Living with Uncertainty

January 7, 2022 Michael Dubin

Illustration 238034548 © Brillianceeye | Dreamstime.com

The most common complaint I hear from friends, family, colleagues, is that everybody is exhausted and worn down, to some extent or another, by living for so long in a constant state of uncertainty – about everything. In all aspects of our individual and collective lives, the ground under our feet won’t stop shifting.

What’s next? What’s coming now? What else? I walked into a Trader Joe’s on a recent Sunday night, a time I never usually shop for groceries, and was floored. All of the fresh fruit and veggies, all the bagged salad, bagged veggies, all of it was gone. Not an onion or banana to be had. I asked one of the employees if this is what the store usually looked like at 7P on Sundays. I was assured that it was not. They didn’t get in a truck. All I could think of were the stories I read in high school about the bare shelves in Soviet state stores and I wondered, “Is that where we are headed?”

Last September when we wrote about “The Hydra Head Of COVID,” we talked about the various kinds of impact that COVID has had on people, on their lives, on relationships, on who we knew ourselves to be. We talked about old structures and old ways of doing things, especially on a societal level, are crumbling and there aren’t many new ones being erected yet as states literally burn, the pandemic rages on, people are leaving their jobs in droves (the Great Resignation), and the truck with whatever essential goods didn’t come or isn’t coming.

One of my teachers on my path began talking of a “New Paradigm of Uncertainty,” back in 2018. Now, I usually try to make the concepts and ideas I write about practical and applicable. However, here we are going to have to venture into the slightly abstract for a bit to begin to unpack these ideas and make them more practical.

The New Paradigm of Uncertainty:

· The Freedom of Uncertainty

· The Wonder of Possibility

· The Wisdom of Working Together in Harmony

· The Courage to Keep Exploring

We are all apprehensive of uncertainty. We all like the certainty of, “This is the way the world works. Period. I like knowing what to expect is coming tomorrow.” Now we are all used to dealing with anxiety on a personal level. Will I make this meeting on time? Is this person “the one?” Will they like me? What will my new job be like? Who will my kids turn out to be? We all know that there are no guarantees and no certain outcomes but we have all developed certain strategies in different parts of life that we have come to rely on to keep the chaos at bay and usually ensure that things turn out pretty much the way we want and expect.

But what can we do when the trepidation of apprehension sets in? We can become anxious and fearful, even dreading what might happen and then we tend to lock down and man the barricades. Instead, keep in mind apprehension is not necessarily a bad thing. What is the immediate apprehension here? I may not immediately have an answer but part of the freedom that uncertainty gives us is that we get to make different choices as to how we respond to our apprehensions and forebodings. Does a decision have to me made right now or is it possible to take a step back and wait and see what other information or new ideas might come our way?

Several things to watch out for here. One is impatience. “I want answers right now.” And, if we don’t get those immediate answers, off we go into frustration and, sometimes, anger. Also, some decide to try to control all of the variables and force the desired outcome. Better to deal with the fear underneath the desire to control than to white-knuckle our way through life. For others, instead of outright impatience they decide, “I want to understand why something is happening before I do anything about it.” That is my fave.

When an outcome or future outcome is uncertain, use the freedom you have to choose and work toward – not control – the end result you want. I have the freedom to stop and look at and pull apart my fears and apprehensions. I have the freedom to make new and different choices. I have the freedom not to go into impatience or control or frustration or anger. I can work with those emotions to release them. And I have the freedom to keep amassing data and information as it emerges before I make decisions about an uncertain future.

And I have the freedom to change or alter my perspective. I have the freedom to try to see things differently. A silly example I’ve used before – A co-worker, with whom you are friendly, one morning is very curt with you. Do you decide that you should have known all along that they were rotten and no good or do you think that since this is someone you know, they may just be having a bad morning? Which perspective is correct? Who gets to choose? Perspective - What am I after? What am I trying to accomplish here? What do I hope for? How do I usually see things? What apprehensions need I deal with that might cloud my vision and my understanding? How might I see this differently? And when you find yourself absolutely sure about something, it never hurts to check – Are you certain?

Finally for those with anxiety, please reference our post and podcast entitled, “Running Anxiety.”

Wonder. Wonder gets a dirty name. “The wide-eyed wonder of children.” As adults, we don’t have time for that childish nonsense. Actually, we wonder all the time, only we do it in the negative sense of worry. What if we wondered about what new opportunities we’d like? Or what new chances would we like to begin again? What new hopes and dreams? Is any of this possible? Why not?

Too many of us, the idea of possibility is like walking into the paint store, hoping to find just the right color, and we get overwhelmed by too many options/too many choices. Some of us have reached a point of cynicism where our response to new possibilities is, “Yeah, the other shoe will fall.” However, we can gather our courage and be curious about positive new ideas, hopes, goals. We can sharpen our discernment of possibility with the wisdom we’ve accumulated from past experience. Thus, some possibilities might, upon further examination prove interesting and worth pursuing, while other possibilities won’t feel right, at least not right now.

In fairness, opening to the possible, the positive possible, in our times can be challenging. Thus, take it as something to practice doing over time, not something to do once and cross off your list.

Possibility leads to hope. And you cannot hope without being open to the possibility that it will happen. Finally, don’t be afraid to challenge your imagination to show and do more. What more could I imagine here? What is beyond what I can imagine? Not fantasy. Imagine.

The wisdom of working together in harmony. People fight the idea, that we are all in this together, kicking and screaming. Seems sort of self-evident that however the chaos of the world came to be, we all had a hand in it somewhere and, thus, we are all going to have to fix the world. COVID has and continues to make reaching out in person potentially problematic. But as it clears, turn from the uncertainty and reach out, in whatever capacity, to others involved in something that matters to you. This way you get to put your two cents in as to what will emerge from the chaos and come into being.

Yes, this is all rather esoteric, in a sense. It makes more sense once experienced. Uncertainty, admitting “I don’t know,” can open doors to knowledge. We also get driven inward to find an anchor and a refuge from the stuff outside that is uncertain. And in that process we can find stability. As external and internal security grows, we become more and more open to going with the flow of our life and letting it evolve rather than trying to control.

And, yes, it will take courage to keep exploring. Courage here does not mean absence of fear. It means knowing the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to live and in that determination to keep exploring yourself and the world as the new normal emerges.

There is not nor will there be a quick fix for living with uncertainty, even as it will eventually subside as a new normal emerges. But take bits and pieces of the above as so suits you to work with. You just might come away less uncertain and more confident about the future.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Perfect

December 3, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 166093968 / Hanging Framed Art © Sikth | Dreamstime.com

I clearly remember when I started hearing the response, “Perfect,” to pretty much anything said in a conversational exchange. Could be on the phone with customer service about my computer or the cable company and as they are asking me to try different things to get everything working, I would respond that I’d done whatever they had said to do. “Perfect,” was the response every time. “Well,” I tell a friend, “I’ve got to go to the grocery store tomorrow.” “Perfect.” “Then I thought I’d finally pick up the extension cord I’ve been needing.” “Perfect.” “I want to see if my right big toe will fit in my left nostril.” “Perfect.”

Now “Perfect” used to be reserved and used as a superlative indicating something was exceptional or had surpassed expectations in some way. Now it substitutes for, “OK.” At first, hearing the word more than I was used to was oddly comforting. We all like praise for doing well. But as it became more ubiquitous, it became oddly disconcerting. Things were being referred to as being perfect, but those things didn’t rise to a level where perfection should even have been a consideration.

Now I am reading in the press that the drive for individual perfectionist tendencies has become widespread and problematic since the early 00s. (Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016 – published in the Psychological Bulletin of the American Psychological Association in 2017) The authors, Thomas Curran, University of Bath, and Andrew P. Hill, York St. John University write, “From the 1980s onward, neoliberal governance in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom has emphasized competitive individualism and people have seemingly responded, in kind, by agitating to perfect themselves and their lifestyles. . . Cross-temporal meta-analysis revealed that levels of self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism have linearly increased. . . the findings indicate that recent generations of young people perceive that others are more demanding of them, are more demanding of others, and are more demanding of themselves.”

While there are societal pressures eliciting this kind of behavior, let’s take a step back and have a look at how misleading and potentially dangerous this striving ultimately is.

Often, when we feel we have to do something perfectly or everything perfectly, we immediately run into two problems. First, perfect is the enemy of good enough. In truth, good enough is good enough. Why? Because, problem number two, for something to be perfect it must remain unchanging, static. Perfection is a static state. Works of art like a Monet painting are perfect because they hang on a wall and never change. They are perfect just the way they are. Humans are constantly growing, changing, and evolving. We are imperfect. Therefore, it is neither possible nor desirable for us to remain fixed because we learn, we change, we grow.

“I have the perfect solution,” and, therefore, we must do it this way. “I have the perfect idea or perfect concept.” Problem herein is that once something has been deemed perfect, it is given no room to change and evolve. We get so caught up in something being the one true way, that it almost becomes dogma versus a living, breathing process. We block out learning along the way. We can become absolutist rather giving ourselves the space to explore and learn. Why must something be perfect in order to merit taking action? Why isn’t it enough that a solution or idea is practical or workable or even a good interim step?

Are we allowed to make missteps or mistakes? Of course we are. Whose rules are these that we can’t? How else can we learn? Where else would the motivation come from to take risks, try new things? One thing I have learned as truth is that when I make a mistake, I need to be the one to hold my hand up, say, “Yeah, I did it.” And then ask for help or forgiveness or both. People will break their backs to help you. They won’t if you make excuses, try to place blame elsewhere, deny responsibility, or whine about how hard something is. But admit something isn’t working or didn’t work and, “Here, let me help you,” will be the response. And next time and the time after that and the time after that you’ll get better and better and better at problem solving or coming up with better courses of action, personally and professionally.

Very often, when we feel we must do something perfectly, what we are telling ourselves is that we don’t trust ourselves – our judgment, our thought processes, the quality of our work, our ability to honestly communicate in relationships, or our ability to be and do good enough. Think about what has become a stock answer to the interview question, “What is your greatest weakness?” “I tend to be a perfectionist in my work.” Problem here is that not only is it a cop-out answer, it can hide tendencies of being unyielding, intemperate, uncooperative, or unwilling to see other people’s point of view.

Beneath that, what is the fear? If we are not perfect at work, what will happen? Will we be disciplined? Demoted? Ostracized? Fired? In that process we will, in some way, undermine our own judgment and ability to think critically or creatively, and our trust in our own work. And it is us doing it to ourselves. How realistic are those fears? Yeah, the workplace is competitive and, in too many workplaces, the idea is that we are all replaceable in a moment’s notice. “Well, Schmendrick made a mistake or their work was less than perfect so let’s get rid of them.” Is that the kind of place you’d want to work? Are the people you work for really like that? Any great inventor, thinker, writer, etc., will tell you that they failed many times along the way to their greatest successes as it was those mistakes and the places where they fell short that they learned and changed their perspectives, or got new ideas or new inspiration, or found a new direction or solution.

In relationships, how can you or anybody possibly be perfect? What you will most likely do is wind up doing one of two things. One is that you will walk on egg shells around your friends or family or significant other. Heaven forbid you say or do the wrong thing. You could piss them off or make them unhappy and they won’t like/love you anymore. Or they will abandon/betray/humiliate you because you weren’t perfect? Or you accept whatever they throw at you, good and bad, so as to not jeopardize your standing with them and potentially lose the relationship. You wind up diminishing or invalidating your own needs in the relationship so as to not be demanding and, therefore, less than perfect. Or you lose yourself completely in trying to meet all of their needs so that they deem you the perfect friend, partner, relative, parent.

Think about the people who try to be the perfect parent. They often fall into the trap of trying to be their kids’ best friend instead of the person who teaches them how to best make their way through life and what it means to be fully and completely human in the very best sense of what that can mean. Teaching them to love and care and have compassion for themselves and others. Encouraging their dreams. Being there when they fall short. And also teaching them that everything in life comes with consequences – both good and bad - depending on the choices made. Thus, teach them how to make good choices. But nowhere in that is there a demand of doing it perfectly.

Think about the stress we place on ourselves when we hold ourselves to the standard of perfection. “I must succeed in doing the impossible.” Stress eventually wears us down and affects our physical, emotional, and mental health. Anxious, fearful, undermining our strengths and abilities, and what we know as our own sound judgment. We begin to question and doubt ourselves and self-doubt – whether you are doubting yourself or making someone else doubt themselves – is very damaging. Yes, be skeptical so that you can re-examine the way you approach your life and its problems. Yes, learn from that re-examination and that willingness to see things differently. But swan diving into self-doubt because you can’t be perfect is a no win proposition.

The demand of being perfect has been shown to lead to things like eating disorders and PTSD. It has also been linked to such issues as bulimia, anorexia, depression, anxiety, and more. It is not a healthy behavior and yet, I can hear someone thinking – “Well, at least we know what can happen. Perfect.”

Certainly in life, strive to do your best. Putting your best foot forward, in that sense, at work or with friends or family and, most importantly, with yourself, is a good thing. It means that you are open to doing better with everything you do, learning along the way, but also enjoying the journey in a way that demanding perfection never will allow. Some days you will be glorious in your achievements and other days – meh. Welcome to the human experience. Winston Churchill put it best, “"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often." Change is really the only constant in life, as much as we may tell ourselves we hate change. But when we learn that we can improve almost anything in our lives, just a little bit every day, then we have opened the door to the potential of ongoing happiness and continued success.

Attention vs Affection

November 18, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 96577206 © Erikreis | Dreamstime.com

Attention and affection are both very important needs but they are different. Be clear as to which you are seeking and why.

Attention is a big deal. It is in the giving and receiving of attention that we become equal in one another’s eyes. If I pay attention to you or you to me, that means we have decided that this person is worth the time and effort and acknowledgment that attention provides. Nothing drives people up a wall faster than being ignored. It is certainly one of my pet peeves. There is an eyeglass store in Midtown Atlanta that has been in its location for a number of years now. Every time I have been in that store, none of the sales people have ever bothered to acknowledge my existence. Doesn’t matter how I am dressed, the time of day, nor the placement of the stars in the heavens.

We all want attention. We all seek attention. Why? Because it provides a sort of validation from others that in their eyes, we are worth them paying attention to. And as you have seen, in our current world, it seems like everyone is seeking to stand out and garner, and in many cases monetize the attention, recognition and validation they are getting, mostly via social media. Others use social media to hookup. They want the attention that provides, as long as it is “no strings attached” but the minute emotion, affection enters the picture, they move on despite the fact that what they are most likely seeking on a deeper level, is true affection.

Conversely, others of us, mostly us introverts, do not like attention or being in the spotlight. For many years I actively practiced hiding in plain sight and am still quite adept at being invisible, especially in a crowded room, in contrast to the people who strive to be the center of attention. They feed off the energy that the attention provides them, whereas for me, I find it exhausting after a while. I prefer operating quietly, behind the scenes, and am very effective in that role of making things happen without it having to be all about me. We shun the spotlight but that does not mean we shun accomplishment.

But regardless of whether you are a person who actively seeks attention, or welcomes it in limited quantities on occasion, or you do your best to avoid it, it is always – ALWAYS – useful to look at what you pay attention to in your life. The things you feed your attention to tend to grow and the things/people/places/activities we withhold attention from tend to wither and fall away in our lives. Do you only give attention to getting more and more attention or do you give attention, for example, to things like the important relationships in your life? Hard to do when you are constantly giving your attention to your phone. Just sayin’.

Do you give attention to needs like what makes you feel safe and secure in life – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Do you give attention to generating a real sense of self-esteem from within or do you get caught in the insatiable and impossible task of seeking it from others? Do you pay attention to your need to be really creative – rather than just pumping out content to stay relevant on social media? Do you give attention to creating and producing substantive accomplishments or are you relying on whatever captures your attention at the time? Needless to say, attention to self and one’s deeper needs like self-esteem, like being creative and being productive, is not only important but is paramount. Those deeper needs do not go away even when we get the dopamine hit that momentary attention provides.

We all need love and happiness; and passion and compassion; and hope and trust; and the thrill, the eagerness, excitement, the enthusiasm of just being alive. We also want to feel optimistic about our lives and need and want a sense of well-being. Do we pay attention to the primacy of those needs within ourselves and seek to meet them or do we focus our attention solely on the hit of a response to a text message?

The things we pay attention to are often what we manifest in our lives. So it is useful to inventory and review the things we feed with our attention. The things we feed with our attention often become habituated. Do you feed your hope or your cynicism, for example? Do you feed competitiveness, your jealousies, your grudges, your feelings of being unappreciated? Or do you feed joy and love and friendship and fun?

Attention seeking is also a way to try to staunch the pain, frustration and even despair of loneliness. As connected as we all are, there is a lot of loneliness out there in our world and that loneliness will not be assuaged by surface level connection. The worst loneliness is being lonely in a loving relationship or even when surrounded by friends. I have long referred to it as the howl of loneliness wherein the sense of isolation and alienation and even despair can be so overwhelming that there seems no way out. Many of us have all felt, at one time or another in our lives, that unanswered and unanswerable howl.

I have a column planned on the subject of loneliness as it is a big subject, just as is attention. But one of the surest symptoms of loneliness is becoming consumed with being superficially popular. That driving need to be popular, having lots and lots of superficial friends and acquaintances but none of those relationships having any depth or substance. How many people do you know who make no distinction between acquaintances and real friends? Real friends – the people who will drop everything and be there – good times and bad – when you need and/or want them there. Ask Dickens wrote in Nicholas Nickleby, “Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we’d give blood.”

The need for attention and the desire to staunch the howl of loneliness often replaces, for many, the real need of affection. The withdrawal of affection or, even worse, the absence of affection from those we love or care about threatens to leave us lonely and alone. And that loss or absence of affection causes pain, real mental, emotional and spiritual pain. The Dalai Lama said, “We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”

We all need affection and that need for genuine affection is something worth paying attention to. Our friends at Oxford Languages via Google say that affection is “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.” If you look at the many definitions of affection available online, fondness is one of the most common words used in relation to describing what affection is. Merriam-Webster.com also defines affection as, “a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something.” We all want to be liked and cared for and have people feel fond of us. Yes, love is also included in affection but it need not be what we feel to feel affectionate toward someone. “Affectionate attachment” is another term found commonly.

There are all kinds of ways to express or give affection. Physically things like cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc. Words of affirmation; acts of service; receiving gifts; quality time; and physical touch are commonly associated with ways affection is shown or given. These five things are often associated with what has come to be called the languages of love but they are ways of expressing and receiving affection.

It is an important need. Yet do we pay any attention to giving affection to ourselves or is it always better if someone else gives it to us? How do we give ourselves any affirmation about who we are and what we do and accomplish and who we are becoming? What acts of service do we provide for ourselves or do we tend to treat ourselves in a very utilitarian manner? What do we give of ourselves, to ourselves, like our humor, compassion, intellect, patience? Can we spend quality time alone with ourselves or would we rather chew glass than be alone with ourselves? When was the last time you made yourself laugh because you thought of something funny that only you would understand?

Too often in our current world people substitute and settle for attention, any kind of attention, any port in a storm, rather than seek and cultivate real affection from themselves and from others. Attention, as discussed above, is valuable and essential in our lives but it will not replace the genuine need for affection. Affection, like trust, is something that grows and is earned over time. There is no easy or quick fix to meeting that need. So, by all means, grab all the attention you think or feel you need and want but be careful about thinking it will meet the deeper and more important need of genuine affection.

Dramatic vs. Drama

October 9, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 89856276 / Stage Theater © Siarhei Kazlou | Dreamstime.com

There is drama and there is being dramatic. Being dramatic is an act of expressing what feel like big emotions. Drama is elevating the trivial or less significant things or events to an inappropriate level of meaning and significance.

Now, admittedly, being dramatic can be fun for both the person being dramatic and the people listening in the sense of dramatization. Think of the people who are great story tellers or great writers. They have a way of elevating the mundane into something compelling and interesting. They are often articulate and very observant and have a way of using their observations to embellish and enrich the stories that they are telling. They often are very funny and in touch with the irony of a situation. A woman I have known for many years has a way of making a trip to the store for tomato paste fascinating. The preparation for the excursion; the trip itself; the process of finding the tomato paste, or not, the people she met in the process, all carefully wrought and expressed in a way that leaves you hungering for more.

Or the writers who can fully imagine a world and its inhabitants and bring them to life in such a way as to make it not only real but they also fully immerse you in the world of their creation. My favorite novelist, Richard Russo, has a brilliant way of tackling tough events and situations and sometimes heart-rending emotions in a way that is unmatched. And, he can also be very funny when it serves his purposes of dramatization. People like this are to be cherished for their dramatic skills.

Sometimes, being dramatic is a way good way of expressing emotions that feel, at the moment, too big or too overwhelming or too unbelievable or too wonderful. I have been known to go on dramatic rants when I am frustrated with something that makes no sense to me. These rants are often very funny to the people listening and allow me to blow off steam, but they are a rare occurrence and not a daily activity nor my usual way of expressing what I am thinking and feeling. And yes, sometimes being dramatic serves us well in expressing the good stuff sometimes.

Dramatization can play an important role in understanding. People have new ideas and inspirations and goals all the time. But how often do they stop to evaluate if the idea or inspiration or goal is a good idea or achievable or desirable? Do they stop and evaluate the potential outcomes of their thoughts or decisions or actions? And, as you have all experienced, there are times a colleague or friend or loved one just doesn’t see it. You are trying to get them to see what could happen or why this is not a good path to take or it could be harmful to them and you might as well talk to the garage door.

Storytelling, in a sense, can help people to see. By dramatizing what outcomes could be, you are painting a picture. You are telling a story and that often can be very helpful rather than declarations or judgments or even threats. Rather than, “That’s the dumbest damned thing I have ever heard,” or, “You must have lost your mind to think of something that stupid,” or, “If you do that, I’ll . . .” Paint them a picture. Now this can also work well when someone needs encouragement because they are not sure they are ready to take the risk, or they really can’t see how wonderful something could turn out or they just aren’t sure – but you can see it. By bringing it to light through dramatization, if you will, you may help kindle the spark they need for that chance or for that next step to happen.

Drama is a whole different story. OMG. EVERYTHING rises to the same level of earth-shattering importance. Whether it was the butcher at the supermarket seemingly ignoring them or their best friend not listening to them completely, it is all a concern or crisis that must be talked about and processed to death and resolved before they can move on.

Our culture revels in drama. I don’t know about y’all, but because of the whole Brad-Angelina-Jen thing, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years. Right? So much of what now drives our popular culture is the constant swirl of drama that surrounds the people who produce that culture. What are the latest details about Britney and her fight with her conservators? Name your celebrity or influencer and there is bound to be controversy somewhere. Why? Because it sells and keeps people’s names in the news, regardless of their art or accomplishments.

We are surrounded by drama. Now, again, admittedly, a lot of the cultural drama is done in the service of monetization of that drama. But beside the few who might profit, for the overwhelming majority of us, all the drama does is leave us hanging on by the final thread of our very last nerve.

Now let’s take this down a notch to the more practical. We have all experienced or know someone who has experienced being caught up in some drama of their own making. At my friend Fred’s workplace, people began leaving. At the time the job market was OK but not great but good enough for people to be able to find jobs. Rather than really delving into the reasons people were leaving this particular workplace, Fred chose instead to focus on the drama going on in the management level just above him as he was also a manager. He spent hours trying to decipher what this person meant when they said or did this or that. Months worrying and not sleeping over the current or possible next daily crisis. And this focus on other people’s drama distracted him from the fact that he had seen the writing on the wall that it was time to leave.

Finally his job was eliminated. He had had several years in which to send out applications, network, interview, etc., but instead focused on trying to control the effect that other people’s drama could have on his livelihood.

Why do people get caught up in drama – either their own or that of others’? Because something has to give our lives meaning and significance. That is a basic human need. What do I mean?

Significance. You go to your mechanic for a long overdue oil change. He or she says that they are too backed up with work and asks you to come back tomorrow or the day after. How significant is that? Well, that would depend on what shape you car is in. If you are down to very low oil level and a filthy filter, it is certainly way more significant than if your vehicle hasn’t reached that point. Is something significant to you? Your partner’s birthday or your anniversary? Some people hate celebrating special events. Other people love to celebrate everything they can. The Black Friday sales. Is it significant to you because that is when you traditionally do your XMAS shopping hoping for the best deals or a you’re one of those people who couldn’t be paid to set foot in a mall on Black Friday?

Meaning. What does something mean to you? You mechanic says to come back in a day or two. Does that mean he is swamped or he hates you and hopes your car falls apart so there is more for him to fix? You are the one who has to remind your partner of significant dates or events. Does that mean they don’t care or their mind just doesn’t work that way? What does something mean to you? Big gestures mean very little to me. An expensive gift or sudden declaration of whatever means a lots less to me than how you treat me on a daily basis. For me the little things mean more and I assign them greater significance.

Who gets to decide what is and is not significant in your life and what the event or problem or happy occasion means to you? You do. And there are no right or wrong answers and you can change your mind at any time. But a clue that you are a drama junkie is giving everything the same level of life-changing significance and meaning. That everything means the same thing and has the same significance – that life as you know it will change – is not only not true but impossible. Practice assigning meaning – what does this really mean to me? Practice assigning significance – yeah it happened but is it really significant? Is it really all that important to me? As you do this, you will find that your life gets a lot easier.

The Hydra Head of COVID

September 16, 2021 Michael Dubin

Illustration 217921389 © Daniel Eskridge | Dreamstime.com

According to Greek mythology, the Hydra is a nine-headed gigantic water-snake-like monster. Like the Hydra, there have been many faces to the impact COVID has had on people. For some it has been as traumatic as losing a loved one. For others, outside of being a major inconvenience, it really hasn’t that bad. During these troubling and challenging times, Hercules has not been available to come and rescue us from this monster. We’ve been thrown back onto our own resources to save ourselves.

For people who are more introverted like me, in many ways, it has been an unexpected gift of time. The exile imposed by COVID allowed me time to read, think, meditate, reflect and enjoy the peace that came with the slowing down of the outside world. That said, I was not immune to the fact that life as we all knew it had come to a screeching halt and that all of our heartfelt desires for life to return to return to normal as soon as possible were not going to be answered. And in the course of the last 20 months, my life has changed, and I have changed profoundly in ways that I could neither have foreseen nor imagined.

For the more extroverted among us who thrive on social interaction and get energized by being around others and engaging in out-of-the-house activities, it has been a tough time. Unable to safely and freely move about and be on the go, separated from the touch of friends and loved ones, missing favorite activities, having to find new ways to have fun and connect, has been more difficult. Some have slipped into depression. Others have felt hopeless or helpless or even a sense of despair. Some have gotten very angry. That anger has shown itself in a variety of ways. Angry at politicians. Angry at those who sought to protect themselves by wearing masks. Angry about getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about others getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about businesses shutting down. Angry that life as we had known it has gone away.

Life has changed. Many of us would like to say that it was all the result of COVID but many of the changes in our world have been brewing for a long time. In our world, old structures - whether that be media, healthcare, politics, education, international relations, supply chains, alliances, etc. – have and are breaking down and we don’t yet have the new structures to replace the old. In some cases these changes are coming slowly and in other cases coming more rapidly. Some changes are more subtle than others but the old ways, the old traditions of how we thought our world worked or was supposed to work, are breaking down. Order will eventually emerge from the chaos but right now we don’t know what that world will look like and that is bringing up a lot of fear and anxiety and stress in people. COVID added to all that.

Many people felt that they and/or their world was in crisis. The demands made on them - to help stop the spread, to stay home, to give up many of life’s pleasures - were coming too quickly; changes too fast to process; their normal routine, their daily routine had been disrupted and things just weren’t working the way they were supposed to. But we did what we needed to do – we established new routines; processed the changes one step at a time; and we handled the new demands coming from every facet of life as best we could. And this was easier for some than for others. Humans don’t really like change.

Many of us ran into the fact that just because something had worked in the past – job, relationship, hobby, perspectives, goals – did not mean that it would continue to work. Things that we had taken for granted could no longer be taken for granted. Our health, our safety, our survival, our relationships, the things that brought us joy, even our ability to purchase paper towels could no longer be counted on in quite the same way. Spouses and or families having to spend real time together. For some, the increased contact only strengthened the already existing closeness and bonds. Other found themselves looking at loved ones and wondering, “Who are you?”

Many people discovered a desire to not constantly be tied into work and wanting more of a work/life balance. Wanting more flexibility in work schedules. Tired of missing their kids grow up. Quality of life becoming more important than living by arbitrary rules imposed by the workplace. This Hydra-head occasioned the re-prioritizing of life.

Some people found new or alternative or additional ways to make money and survive. Some moved to new places – whether out of choice or by necessity. Many are currently seeking new jobs. That may be for better working conditions, better money, better living conditions or just something new to do as they have become bored and restless.

Having been locked down in our houses for so long, it has been interesting to see people emerge with the drive to be seen and heard. When I was younger, sequins, flashy, sparkly dress was something that was reserved for a very dressy or formal occasion. Now everything glitters, including bedroom shoes – which have moved from the bedroom to everyday footwear. Bling has become de rigueur. Informality in dress and appearance has also become more commonplace. So, in some senses, COVID has changed the way we present ourselves to others as we re-emerge.

COVID also forced people to deal with themselves and then those close to them in ways that they could have avoided before. In the busyness of life, I can keep myself distracted from dealing with me. When I am stuck at home with not a lot to do, eventually binging my fave TV shows, eating, playing with the dog, etc., only will go so far. And then the things like that vague unease you have been feeling starts knocking at the inside of your head. Some people began to rethink what really matters and what is important to them. Others began running into the aspects of themselves that didn’t work for them anymore. Some began to realize how stale their lives had become.

Some began to look at the relationships in their lives and whether they were still important or past their expiration date. The people we cherished and longed for. The touches, the hugs, the warmth of their presence that we so desperately missed but had previously taken for granted. In other cases, people began to get on our nerves – like our spouse or friends who disrupt our equanimity or relatives who we kept in touch with out of a sense of duty and obligation. Nothing was immune from review. In certain cases, we clearly saw what and who we treasured and why, and in other cases, we saw what we had outgrown – people, habits, ways of living our lives.

Others began to dream new dreams and have different hopes and goals. Some went back to school or learned new things from a variety of available resources. Others took on new projects that they had not had the time for before like finally repainting the kitchen or remodeling a room.

We can’t begin to cover all the changes COVID has wrought in the world. COVID, in many senses, made us all realize that we’ve been going with what we know or knew to be good and true and right for us in life, at least up until the pandemic. Nevertheless, for so many of us, it forced us to come face-to-face with – Is this all there is? What now? What’s next? Do I want something more or new or different? Do I deserve more or new or different? Do I dare ask for that? The answer is always, “Yes.”

Being Liked as a Manipulation

August 11, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 25092880 © Damedeeso | Dreamstime.com

We all need and want to be liked. In being liked we get positive attention from others and that makes us feel valued and worthwhile. It helps us to feel that we are on equal footing with others. It is nice to know that others hold us in high esteem. Nothing sends us over the edge as quickly as when other people ignore us or deem us unworthy of their attention.

In our current Age of Social Media, many of us have become experts in “getting” people to like us. Lots of people openly express the idea that they love social media because you can present yourself as anyone you want to be or pretend to be. Doesn’t matter if that image is real or not. One Gen Z’er I recently spoke to is planning his own You Tube channel wherein he will play a character that is not himself but in so presenting this character, he hopes to gain a following and he tells me that lots of people do this. You get liked and you get followed and, hopefully, you eventually find a way to monetize your presentation and make money presenting yourself as someone else.

As a form of programming or publishing, I think that this is basically no different than an author presenting new characters in books or likeable characters in movies or television. The problem here is that these people are not real. So, in presenting yourself as someone you are not, you are still not being liked for who you actually are and you have to keep up the artifice or face significant backlash from your online community. But, for a group of our compatriots, this level and fashion of being liked may be fine, at least for a while. But it still is a paper-thin level of being liked and accepted, and what happens if and when your 15 minutes is over?

All of that said, that discussion is for another time. What I want to talk about here is about the people who in “real life,” whether that is in the workplace or with friends or family, manipulate you into liking them so they can get what they want out of the relationship - but nothing of value or mattering comes back from them. These are usually people who are, on the surface, very likeable people. They are most often very talkative and personable and almost constantly in motion, at least when you are watching. But they are also, underneath all of the collegiality and bonhomie, getting away with murder.

Some examples. Let’s start with work. Years ago, I bartended with a nice enough looking young guy who used his looks to get in good with our female manager. She walked it right up to the line in giving him preferred shifts and scheduling but not enough for anyone to accuse her of favoritism. Problem was that he wasn’t that good a bartender and didn’t really want to work that hard. What he was willing to work hard at was getting what he wanted from his manager and maintained a passable level of civility with the rest of his co-workers.

He certainly never went above or beyond for anything or anybody. One day his manager had to call him out about something that needed correction and she did it in front of other staff. It was procedural and the correction could have applied to any of us and was thus more of a reminder to all in hearing distance than it was a personal attack on him. He escalated the argument, attacking her and it went back and forth until he said something nasty to her and she announced, in front of the other staff, that he was a “lousy fuck.” Needless to say, neither his nor her employment lasted much longer at this particular establishment. But he had gotten what he wanted for as long as he could until it was time to move on.

How about the person in the office who is always fun and friendly and willing to briefly help others but never gets their own work done? They talk a great game. They suck up to management, who think them delightful. They get the scheduling they want. They get the time off they want. Senior management is always stopping to talk with them. Sometimes they even get to flout the dress code when no one else does. They often talk and talk and talk constantly and the rest of the staff likes them until they begin to realize that they never complete anything and, in many cases, never start anything they really don’t want to do. But they get away with it because they’re always so busy, busy, busy with everything and everyone else that for a while they can make it look like they are working themself to death. One particular woman was busy having fun with her co-workers and drinking on the job. She was popular, and on occasion did do enough work that she could show some accomplishments. But over time, people began to realize she was hardly ever at her desk. She was here and there and yon but rarely ever actually applying herself to her actual work. But they liked her.

A similar version of this was a young guy who was also a big talker. Talked mostly about himself and what he was doing and his exploits way from work, as did the lady above. But when he was unable to avoid a work task, he would do it but at a plodding snail’s pace. Regardless of the complexity of the task, it was done at a pace that was just above glacial. Usually someone would step in and help or take it over for him as otherwise he would never be finished. He often resented being told what to do and made no bones talking badly about managers who made demands on him, making sure that we knew he thought they are all assholes and not to be trusted. But he was well liked by staff and management and he moved on just as soon as more was expected of him. But until then, he got whatever he wanted and never did anything he didn’t want to do or could get out of because he got people to like him.

The point in these examples is that sooner or later people will see through the artifice. As the old saying goes, you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. Eventually people will see through the constant talking, all the busy activity that accomplishes nothing and will also begin to resent the sucking up to those who they think can do them some good. So, it goes with the friends or family from whom they take and take and give nothing back. You can’t help liking them until you get tired of being manipulated into giving them what they want, but when you actually need them, they are nowhere to be found. And the best part is that, in whatever circumstance, when you or someone else finally has had enough and says no to them, they feel a self-righteous sense of betrayal and abandonment. But when you finally say no it is because you are so tired of the constant barrage of talk that actually says nothing substantial and activity used to camouflage who they really are and what they really are about, that you feel nothing but relief.

Whether online as a persona in cyber space or in the actual living of life out among the other humans, people will watch you and figure out who you really are through your behavior. Behavior doesn’t lie. Why? Because, in general, people wind up doing the things they really want to do and they don’t do or procrastinate until the end of time the things they don’t really want to do, regardless of what they say. As charming or fun or personable or interesting as someone may present themselves to be, the truth will out as to whether there is any real substance there.

Playwright and poet Ben Jonson was named England's first ever Poet Laureate in 1616. (Wikipedia) He wrote, "True happiness Consists not in the multitude of friends, But in the worth and choice." Who you choose to be and become will reflect and express your true worth to yourself. And others will see whether there is someone of depth and consequence there through your actions and behavior, regardless of what comes out of your mouth and regardless of all the activity you use to distract others from seeing the truth of your being. Make good choices as to who you are as it will raise your value and worth to others and, most especially, to yourself. And it will spare you a lot of tap dancing.

Dignity

July 13, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 224035920 © Seventyfourimages | Dreamstime.com

Dignity is valuing yourself and valuing others. If you do a Google search, it will tell you that it means being valued and respected for what you are, what you believe in, and how you live your life. It means treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves – which is basically the Golden Rule of “do unto others . . .”

Dignity has several components. Value is primary but dignity also includes character and integrity; your personal framework of memory and myth; your personal dreams and visions; and freedom. In our current world, too many are seeking to strip others of their dignity and that is a contributing factor in the breakdown of civility and communication in our society. We often won’t take the time to talk with, much less understand, those who we have deemed unworthy of being valued and respected for who they are, what they believe in, and how they live their lives.

In other blog posts we have talked a great deal about valuing ourselves and others. It begins with self-awareness - knowing our needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, the choices we make and why, and more. And while the hopes, dreams, needs, wants, of others are more than likely are very different than ours, it doesn’t make those things any less valuable. When you deny or dismiss the value those things, you strip away some dignity.

Beyond self-awareness, value also includes self-confidence and self-self-love. Self-confidence is knowing that you can cope with whatever life throws at you – both good and bad. We all have different coping mechanisms and different ways of evaluating whether we feel prepared to cope with life. We are all impacted by different things in our own unique way. What may be devastating to one of us might just roll off the back of others of us. What we cannot do is undermine peoples’ coping mechanisms by insisting that they see things or react or deal with things in the way we think they should or as we would. Doing so would undermine their sense of self-confidence.

Self-love is also part of value. When we learn to love ourselves, we are more likely to recognize our own value and, thus, the value of others and the value of the loving relationships they have in their lives.

We won’t go into self-respect here as there is an entire blog post and podcast devoted to that subject that is available to you.

When we deny or refuse to see and respect the needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, choices, self-respect, self-love and self-confidence, in others, we are stripping them of dignity. And that is not OK.

Character is an important part of dignity. Character and integrity go together. As we discussed when we talked about authenticity, character is about living by our ideals and principles like honesty, compassion, caring, morals, ethics, being responsible, never deliberately being hurtful to others, etc. The measure of our character is how often and how successfully we live by our principles. Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking. Integrity is keeping our word and keeping our commitments.

When we disparage or disregard or harshly judge the character and integrity of people we know nothing about, we are blinding ourselves to their dignity. We cannot make any kind of value judgment about the character and integrity of anyone based on their appearance or gossip we have heard about them, much less based on some assumption that we have made about them. When we treat others from a place wherein we are not living by our own character and integrity or when we make negative assumptions about anyone’s character or integrity, we turn our backs on dignity.

Also, we all have our own framework of memory and myths. Even if you and I and a friend of ours all went to the same concert or party, all three of us would remember the event differently. We would certainly all remember some of the same things but there would be no absolutely correct version of our memories. So it goes with all of us. Often we remember things from our childhood differently than our parents. A big shock for many as an adult is when they find out that a memory that they have held onto since childhood that was a defining moment for them, their parents have no recall of it ever happening. My point is we all have a storehouse of memories that shape and mold us – our perceptions, our perspectives, our ways of coming at the world and our ways of being in the world. And, over time, we let go of some memories and replace them with newer and more important memories – both good and bad. But everyone’s storehouse of memory is exclusive only to them. We don’t get to judge their memories. We only get to try to understand them and the impact they have had or continue to have. And refusing to respect that the memories that have shaped someone else, that are more than likely very different from your lived experience, cheats them of respect and dignity.

Further, we all have our own personal framework of myths. Most people think of myths as nice stories like fairy tales. Myths are stories but not fairy tales and certainly not fiction. Myths have been used throughout history to explain where we came from, how we got here, and the origin of our people or tribe, our customs, our beliefs, our rituals as a society or as a people. Myths are also instructional. They explain how to approach life or make it through life in a variety of situations. They are archetypal in that sense. This or that myth explains how we should do this or get through that challenge in life or how to make good decisions or do the right thing. Many are about how to avoid the traps that life can set for us.

We all have a set of stories that we tell ourselves about the ways the world works and about how life works and about how we have to approach life and the people in it. Those myths that we live by are informed by the memories we hold, the experiences we have, as well as the beliefs we have come to trust. This is the way life or relationships work and that is just the way it is for us, at least until we decide to change. This is why, as the old wise saying goes, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” You have no idea of the memories and personal myths that have come to form them as they are because those experiences and memories and strategies of getting through life are so personal and so singular to each and every one of us.

We all also have our own dreams and visions for our life. The things we want to accomplish and experience. Where we see ourselves as our life progresses. The life we want to live. And freedom is about the freedom to be and become whomever we want to be, unencumbered by the judgments or obstacles placed on our path by others.

When you encounter someone who doesn’t think like you, look like you, dress like you, worship like you, eat the same things you do, like the same music or movies that you do, remember it is their personal value made up of self-awareness, self-love, self-confidence, self-respect; their character and integrity, their myths and memories; their dreams and visions for their own lives; and their God-given freedom to be and become whomever they want; that has produced the person you are encountering. You do not get to judge them or their process. As we said above, dignity is about treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves and nobody likes being judged unfairly or deemed less than others.

There are a lot of problems in the world right now and to begin to fix them, we are going to need all hands on deck. And in order for us to do that we are going to need to begin respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity. No, not everybody is going to be just like you nor should they be. A society of the Borg would be a horrible place to live. But as we once again learn to and practice respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity, the good news is you are going to meet some amazing people along the way. And as we learn to work together, so will come quite literally, our salvation.

The Metaphysics of Gender Non-Conformity

June 23, 2021 Michael Dubin

A slightly edited version of The Metaphysics of Gender Non-Conformity was published on the Georgia Voice website on 6/24/2021: https://thegavoice.com/outspoken/the-metaphysics-of-gender-non-conformity/

Photo 166580129 © Monkey Business Images | Dreamstime.com

I first became aware of the issue of gender non-conformity a number of years ago when I saw straight boys with their girlfriends walking around Little Five Points with sundresses pulled over their tee shirts and jeans. At this same time I was doing volunteer counseling with homeless LGBTQ young adults and they were giving me an education into the rising awareness of transgendered people and their needs and what they face societally. Awareness of and respect for the transgendered community has been growing, rightly so. It has sparked culture war battles over who can use what bathroom and issues with transgendered athletes. And it has led to people of all stripes specifying the pronouns they wish to be addressed by in the signature of their emails.

What I have found most interesting about all of this is the intense focus on living and expressing physical gender and little to no discussion of the masculine and feminine energies that we all possess. All of us. These energies have NOTHING to do with stereotyped sex roles. Nothing. They are about complimentary energies at work in each of us that need to find a balance that leads to wholeness as a person, as a human.

Jung talked about them, I believe, as inner opposites. They are not. Ancient Chinese philosophy, more correctly, talks about them as part of a dualism - complementary, interconnected forces within each of us. Dualisms – light and dark, summer and winter, expansion and contraction, for example. You can’t have one without the other. More closely aligned with our purposes here are thinking and feeling, heart and mind, doing and being.

The masculine energy of will and the feminine energy of imagination. Imagination is a sense that is common to us all. Think of how dreary and empty life would be without it. What you can imagine for yourself and your life is unlimited. Who you can be and become, places you can go, experiences you would like to have, things you would like to do for yourself and others, and more, is all within the province of your imagination. As example, can you imagine yourself being wildly successful? For some of us, heck yeah I can imagine that. For others of us, no, I can’t imagine not having to work like a dog to get what I want. Can you imagine being a great parent? Can you imagine being loved and cherished? What would that be like?

But how do you bring all of that into manifestation in your life? Those things won’t just walk up the driveway. It takes will to make things happen, otherwise, all of the wonderful things we can imagine remain flights of fancy. But when our will, our determination, our focus, our perseverance are applied, we can move mountains. Maybe not immediately but people know to get out of the way as it is our will to create what we truly want in life that is essential in making it happen.

The feminine energy of being and the masculine energy of doing. I ask this question constantly – Who are you? That is about being. Your goals, hopes, dreams, desires, beliefs, choices, what you imagine for yourself and your life. All of that and more contributes to your being. However, most of us are way more comfortable with doing. It has become a badge of honor, at least until the COVID pandemic, to be constantly busy. “I have to be wired into work 24/7. I must stay on top of growing my personal brand on social media. I have things to do, kids to raise, aging parents to take care of, projects to finish. Who the hell has time to worry about being? Piffle. I’m busy doing. Besides, how ‘do’ you do being?”

I keep reading about the rising number of people who are really questioning whether they want to return to that pre-pandemic rat-race life. There is no right or wrong answer here. The only right answer is what works for you. But as some people got to put down all of that doing, they got in touch with just being. Being closer, in some senses, to what they wanted more of in their lives and busyness wasn’t on that list. “I want to hug and just be with the people I care about again.” “I have been able to be there for my kids in a way that I wasn’t pre-pandemic.” You all have heard or said these kinds of things.

It is the feminine energy that creates the space in which something can happen. The womb of creation, metaphorically, if you will. If there is not the space nor the place for something to occur in your life – “Well, I just don’t have time for a relationship right now,” – it won’t. “It isn’t the right time or place for me to seek a new job, start a new career, go back to school, start painting again, get back to baking.” And it never happens because the space was not created. Feminine energy. The masculine energy fills that space. It brings the activity and fills that created space with the activity of job seeking, career switching, firing up the oven to bake. But without the space being properly prepared, we may start something with the best of intentions but we never see it through. Our goals never fully come to fruition.

And finally, the feminine energies of conception and perception. To conceive of something new – a new idea, a new project, a new way of doing things, a new goal, a new hope, a new dream, a new way of expressing something creatively that has never been done before. And conception’s handmaiden, perception. How we perceive something to be. We perceive through our five familiar senses, yes. We talk about the range of light or sound that our human senses are able to perceive. But we also perceive through unfamiliar senses as well. Perception is about the mental and emotional impressions that we get. An awareness, if you will. For example, what we perceive of our past, our present, and the future we think or hope is coming. How we perceive ourselves through our own experience of ourselves.

These are balanced by the masculine energies of meaning and understanding. Who decides what things mean to you? You do. “What if I get it wrong?” There are no right or wrong answers. However, you can always change your mind about what something means to you. What does it mean that some of your shirts have started coming back from the laundry with cracked or broken buttons? Could mean it is time to switch your dry cleaner/laundry. Could mean they are just being careless and you need to point it out to them. Could mean you’ve had those shirts since the dinosaurs roamed and they have been laundered and pressed a thousand times and it is about time for the whole shirt to give out. Whatever meaning you assign to anything is A) your choice and B) a masculine energy.

Understanding. There is a real crisis in the world right now of understanding. Nobody wants to try to understand anyone else. They want to be understood first. The act and process of really understanding yourself or someone else is a masculine energy. And it has a number of components to it as understanding is a process. For our purposes here, I want to focus on the three final components of the process as I understand it. What can you infer from the thoughts, feelings, facts being supplied to you? We can gain a deeper level of understanding through something that was not directly said. You may tell me you don’t like shopping malls but what I can infer is you don’t like crowds.

Then comes appreciating the other person’s point of view, lived experience, and meaning they have assigned to things, just was you are able to assign meaning to things in your life. And finally, the understanding process concludes with valuing what you have learned and come to understand. And giving that new level of understanding meaning and significance.

Will and Imagination. Doing and Being. Creating the space for manifestation and taking action to bring into manifestation. Conception/Perception and Meaning and Understanding. All important and things that all of us do. So maybe the next time your physical gender identity is not resolving or answering life’s dilemmas, consider starting here with these eight things. Begin bringing them into balance. The gifts you find along the way can be priceless.

Beware the Bogeyman

June 15, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 174548842 © Raggedstonedesign | Dreamstime.com

There is a lot of fear out there in the world. And there are a lot of people out there telling you to be afraid. The bogeyman is coming to get you – be very afraid. The deficit is killing the economy • Government spending got us through the pandemic • Vaccines will give you autism • Vaccines are the only thing that will save you • If you interfere with my religious freedom to not bake that cake, you are violating my rights • If your behavior isn’t in line with the actual teachings of Jesus, you are not a Christian • Georgie Soros and the Illuminati are forming one world government • Gerrymandering is killing democracy • The Muslims /the Jews / the Evangelicals are coming to get us • Undocumented workers are taking our jobs • Do you want to come pick the tomatoes and cantaloupes? • The rich are the job creators • Small businesses create jobs and opportunity - Everybody and everything gets its turn at being the bogeyman.

Whether you fear death panels, creationism, being limited to one hamburger a month, cannibalism, being told what you can and can’t do with your body, or believe that cows farting is causing climate change, you all are aware of the fear-based insanity we have been living through. And everybody is doing it – certain members of the clergy, quite a number of politicians, and various media empires catering to whoever will listen to them, are using fear to manipulate the masses into frothing-at-the-mouth levels of fear and anger. This is nothing new, but it has reached levels that are moving us toward the point where we have all taken leave of our senses and trust no one and believe nothing.

Any political leader, media figure, or someone in a corporate/business environment, trying to scare you is someone to run from. Usually they tell you either they are the ones to fix it or it can’t be fixed. So do as you are told. Don’t think for yourself. Facts don’t exist. Um, yes they do. They are not interested in the greater good. What they seek to do is pit you against friends, neighbors, family, in order to serve their own ambitions or their political or business agendas.

There are scary things happening that do need to be addressed with a quickness. But the answer is never to give your power to others and then cower and quake in fear, nor to get so angry, as a response to your fear, that you are incited to harm others or yourself. So let’s take a small step together toward addressing all of the fear that is out there and, hopefully at the same time, take some of our power back, thus robbing the bogeyman of his power over us.

When our fears come up, they tend to cluster in certain groupings. We all have patterns. That is normal, expected and human. So, it is always helpful, when some hobgoblin is trying to push your buttons, to know which button is being pushed and then take their finger off your button.

For some of us, we fear that we will somehow or for some reason be abandoned or rejected or humiliated, or betrayed. Now these all work together in all kinds of combinations. But as example, I fear being abandoned, left all on my own to fend for myself and, in being abandoned, I will also feel rejected. And because I was rejected, it is so humiliating to me that “they” would do this to me, that I feel betrayed by those I loved or trusted or relied on. In whatever combination or in whatever arena of my life the fear presents itself, this is where I go. I was rejected because I was not good enough, says the fear, and that feels humiliating to me. My trust was betrayed and now I feel humiliated for ever having trusted whomever. I fear friends, family, people will abandon me. You see how this can go. For many of us, though we each have our own pattern of it, this is the button that gets pushed when we are afraid.

For others of us, I fear the punishment of a martyr. No matter how hard I have tried or have worked, no matter how much I have loved or given, no matter how much I have personally sacrificed, no one will appreciate it. No one will understand what I have been through, how I have suffered, fearing they will misunderstand my good intentions. Or, I am being expected to do things that are beyond my responsibility, beyond my paygrade, if you will, beyond my capabilities. I am afraid of getting punished for things that I had nothing to do with. Martyred somehow, for some reason. “Why should I suffer and only get one hamburger a month when it isn’t my fault?” “They did or didn’t do . . . whatever. Why am I being punished?” You see how this can play out from the absurd to real work situations or within relationships. “After all I have done for you . . . The sacrifices I have made, the things I have given up.” The fear of being martyred and punished in the process.

A third grouping of fears for some of us is the fear that if I am not perfect – at work, as a parent, in an intimate relationship, as a friend – that I will get blamed. That I will fall short, for some reason, of my own expectations of myself, much less everybody else’s expectations. Afraid of not getting it right. Afraid of being wrong or incorrect or misguided or having misunderstood. What that really means is I will blame myself or others will blame me for not being perfect. The demand of perfection is often what many of us substitute for lack of self-trust. And when we have not learned to trust ourselves, we are open to being manipulated by those who seek to make us doubt ourselves and be fearful.

Others of us fear exclusion. It is not the same as fear of abandonment. Everybody else will get something but I will be excluded or left out or it won’t work for me. You see a lot of this societally in the anger that so many have about some group or another supposedly getting advantages or tangible benefits that I am being excluded from receiving. And that makes me mad because I am being excluded but they are not. I am being left out. And that fear triggers a lot of people.

Now, these are not the only clusters or groupings of fear. And, again, we all have our own patterns. When you look at yours, you will be amazed at the consistency of that pattern. Look at where you go when your buttons get pushed. You can start taking your power back just by recognizing what is happening and by refusing to give your power away to a habituated response to someone trying to make you feel afraid. You will find, as some darned Democrat once said, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. And in recognizing that, you will have learned a universal truth that transcends politics, media and religion.

Self-Respect

May 27, 2021 Michael Dubin

An edited version of Self-Respect was published in the Georgia Voice paper and website on 7/23/2021: thegavoice.com

Photo 213490420 © Kukurund | Dreamstime.com

I don’t usually eavesdrop on conversations. That said, when someone is talking loud enough for me to hear, it’s on them. Right? So I am listening to this guy tell a friend that as he is now in his 50s, he has recently discovered self-respect and having done so, has put his wife and his twenty-something aged kids on notice that if they dare to disrespect him, they are all going to be sorry. He isn’t going to take it anymore. But wait, there’s more.

Not only is his family now on notice, but he isn’t taking it from anybody else either. So he finds himself on a surface street that is being blocked by two cars, one headed in one direction and one headed in another and they are having a conversation. When the one headed in the opposite direction of him moves, he drives around the person that has been blocking him, yelling something out the window at the driver. Then the driver catches up to him and starts yelling at him. This goes on with them now chasing one another so that the last person that got yelled at can yell back and get the last word. It escalates with an open water bottle being thrown back and forth between cars and then eventually an opened canned soda being thrown back and forth between the two cars.

The story teller eventually chases this other car into a cul-de-sac where they are both stopped with the cars facing one another. The yelling continues until the passenger in the other car gets out and pulls a gun on the guy telling the story, who then backs his car out of the cul-de-sac and goes home. But he feels vindicated, even though he almost got himself shot, because he wasn’t going to put up with being disrespected.

Respect is not something you can demand any more than you can demand that someone trust you. Respect, like trust, is earned. First from self and then from others. It is not unlike understanding. If you want people to understand you, you must first seek to be understanding of others. “Oh, no. They better ‘get’ that they need to understand/trust/respect me first.” Good luck with that. People that can’t or won’t treat others with respect, as clichéd as it sounds, usually have no idea what respect means or they don’t respect themselves.

So, where to start? Step one is to honestly and appropriately express all of your emotions. Back in March I wrote a blog post entitled, “Feelings, Wo-O-O Feelings,” about dealing with feelings so I am not going to belabor this now. However, first you have to be able to correctly identify what you are feeling. Are you angry or are you sad? Are you happy or just content? Are you really hurt or just disappointed? Once you have identified what you are feeling, then express it appropriately. If I am angry or confused, let’s say, sometimes just the admission of that can help clear it. If I acknowledge I am angry with myself or someone else, or, if I am confused about something or you are confusing me, then I can do something about it. And I will earn respect from myself for having identified the feeling and moved beyond it. But if I scream and holler at you because I am angry at you or I punish myself because I am angry with me, I am inflicting pain by my inappropriate expression and there is no basis there for earning respect from myself.

Further, too many people, like our friend above, get the idea in their heads that “out of self-respect, I get to tell you what a no good, dirty rotten, low down Communist I really think you are.” That isn’t acting out of self-respect. That is acting out of judgment and ego. Far better to just walk away from behavior you find offensive or inappropriate.

So it goes with positive emotions like love. Famed Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca wrote, “To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” Or suppose you are proud of yourself or someone else and instead of expressing that pride, you give them or yourself some kind of left-handed compliment or say something snarky instead. There will be no foundation on which to build self-respect. When you can appropriately express of your feelings, your estimation of yourself will rise.

Secondly, when you fail at something or fall short of your goal, stop and figure out what went wrong. Why did you not succeed as you had intended? Do not blame anybody or anything else. You can‘t fix what you won’t be responsible for. Whether it is a work project, a hobby, or a relationship, whatever the nature of that relationship, when something goes awry or doesn’t work or falls apart, look for what happened. Could it have been avoided? What decisions, actions, choices, beliefs, etc., led you to where things are now? And own and admit that you contributed to this outcome.

Now, a lot of us grew up with the idea that if we made a mistake, not only do we feel terrible about having done so, but we were supposed to be punished for it. No. I learned many years ago that when you hold up you hand, say, “Yeah, I did it,” and be responsible, people will break their backs to help you correct whatever went wrong. And you and others will respect that.

But what about when things go right, go well? How did you get here? What decisions, actions, choices, commitment, perseverance, got you here across the finish line? Own that. Not out of ego. Succeeding doesn’t make you better than. But it is important to figure out and know how you succeeded. Why? So you can do it again. ‘”It was just luck.” Really? Honor the process you used to succeed so that you can replicate, usually with adjustments for the situation, additional successes and greater successes. That you can and will respect.

And finally, always – always – operate from a place of integrity and character, meaning that the ends never ever justify the means. It is always about how you got there. The process. The steps taken. How you conducted yourself along the way, on a daily basis. Were you honest or did you manipulate others? Did you cut corners or did you make sure that the quality of work or product was not sacrificed in the name of expediency? Did you build bridges to others or did you burn bridges in your quest to be first? Did you seek to be understanding and compassionate of self and others or were you impatient, condescending and rude as you progressed? My personal yardstick has long been if I can look into my own eyes in the bathroom mirror at the end of the day and feel good about me, that is all that matters.

Life is a process in the big picture, and so are all of our days, in the little, immediate picture. No one is saying we have to be perfect. Clearly not. But process is the means to our ends and how, on a daily basis, we get to where we are going, is one of the surest ways we can and will learn to respect ourselves. And, rather than risking getting ourselves shot in a dark cul-da-sac, we will be able to respect that maybe someone else was just having a bad day.

Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick

May 19, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 128496492 © Aleksii Sidorov | Dreamstime.com

The 1959 Broadway musical Gypsy was based on the memoir of Gypsy Rose Lee, a burlesque entertainer known for, among other things, her striptease act. The show was turned into a movie and one of the numbers that I loved in the movie was the song, “You Gotta Have A Gimmick.” Three strippers tell Louise that you don’t need talent to be a stripper. What you need is a gimmick. “You gotta get a gimmick if you want to get ahead.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkO4Ae2gPsQ

Human history is ripe with people in pursuit of the magick bullet or quick fix that will solve all of their problems and, if God is really good, make them rich as well, with as little effort as possible. The human desire to get rich quick has evidently been with us since at least biblical times. Proverbs 13:11 as quoted in the New American Standard Bible says, “Wealth obtained from nothing dwindles, But one who gathers by labor increases it.” So this human drive has been with us for quite some time.

I started thinking about gimmicks again while I was watching the recent documentary about WeWork on Hulu. Social media and technology are the latest scheme that is supposed to make us rich quickly and deliver us to the Promised Land. Tech was supposed to help us pull out of the Great Recession. WeWork defined itself as a co-working community that was created for small businesses, entrepreneurs and freelancers with the idea that people in that communal community would almost be forced to help one another and in so doing, not only rebel against the office culture of the 80s and 90s but change the way people work and redefine success. Their words, not mine. Kind of a tall order given the research that shows open offices actually decrease creativity and productivity.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have been in WeWork and like it, the free kombucha kegs on every floor notwithstanding. The short and dirty version of the story is the venture capital people saw it as a way to make a lot of money quick, threw enormous amounts of money at the company, all of which was mismanaged and, like they say, the rest is history. My point is, instead of slow steady grow and planning, they went for the quick and easy, all in the name of changing the world and lots of money. Now, while the argument can be made that a few tech companies have changed the word, Apple, Google, FB, etc., the overwhelming majority of companies have not. And, how many app developers in WeWork spaces do we really need or can the world absorb?

Also, we are told, that Millennials want a calling, not just a job or a career. Here is the thing. You are called to a calling, you don’t go out and find it. It will find you, come to you, and not let you go. I had a friend years ago who used to go to Become a Shaman School. In the course of a few weekends or whatever the training timeframe was, you were taught to be a shaman. I think not. Wikipedia defines Shamanism as “a religious practice that involves a practitioner who is believed to interact with a spirit world through altered states of consciousness, such as trance. The goal of this is usually to direct these spirits or spiritual energies into the physical world, for healing or another purpose.” Shamans are thought to not only be able to see beyond the veils but to walk between the veils that separate different levels of reality. I am not doubting shamanism at all. I am doubting you’ll learn that level of enlightenment over a few weekends. And if you are to be a shaman, you will be called and you will know it. And the preparation will take years and will not be a day at the beach. No path of spiritual development is.

Want instant relationship? Swipe right and find true love. Do the personality test and get matched to your soulmate. Gay guys love what I call the Pre-husband Interview. The checklist that they run somebody through before they even go on a date. Do you like - this movie, this kind of food, this music or recording artist, this sport, this hobby, this video games. Do they have the right answers about friends, family, politics, kids, religion, places they want to travel and can they cook? If it all checks out, now we can go on a date. The fly in that ointment is that first you must do the hard work of developing a relationship with yourself.

Our politics have become a shrine to dogma and talking points. Lots of righteous blame and anger on both sides. But no matter how many times Bernie says, “If you have to steal an election to win it, you are a coward,” true as that is, it won’t fix the voter suppression and gerrymandering that has become commonplace.

Want to be healthy? All you’ve got to do is eat spirulina plankton and radishes. Want to be spiritual? Become vegan, even though veganism is a diet not a spiritual path. Want to avoid disease? Take Vitamin D and your problems will be solved. Groupon tells me true health will be mine when I have my vagina steamed.

The ATSs – the applicant tracking systems – that reject 75% of job applicants, supposedly because they don’t contain the right words. But there is not a National Resume Bureau from which to get the list of the “right” words. And nobody wants to do the hard work of actually having to read a resume.

The endless apps that we must have that are supposed to conduct and manage our lives for us. The apps that keep track of how long each individual egg has been in your smart refrigerator. Coloring book apps for your phone in case you don’t have enough else to do. How about the human to animal translator app? How about one of the apps that measures how high in the air you can throw you phone? Then there is the app that lets you stream your conversations and crowdsource them by bringing a group of your friends or strangers along to listen in and assist you. If you don’t know what to say on a date, a meeting, or any other situation – just let some other people help you.

Love, relationships, the environment, politics, work, spiritual development, personal development – becoming authentic, being a good person - raising children, education, and more are all substantive, complex, complicated subjects. They all need serious attention with intention to move forward with them. Contrary to the most earnest human desire for the magic bullet, the gimmick that will fix it all instantaneously, there is no such thing. The only way out is through. We are here to learn. Life and learning is a process. We must do the long, slow steady work it takes in any area of life to see and produce substantive results. So the next time you have a desire to start flipping houses, remembering the Great Recession. The next time somebody tells you the way become enlightened is sell everything and move to Machu Picchu, remember you don’t speak Spanish. The next time you think, “Yeah, that’s the ticket,” please know that it probably isn’t the ticket to anywhere you actually want to go.

Running Anxiety

May 13, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 99771959 / Lightning © John Sirlin | Dreamstime.com

There is a lot of anxiety run riot in the world right now. It is everywhere and is about pretty much everything. The world has entered uncharted territory and we are uncertain of where our lives or our world are going. Uncertainty often produces anxiety. Problem is, thinking about anxiety makes us anxious.

Many of us are so used to living with it, that we don’t give it a lot of thought. It is kind of there in the background but, hey, it’s only anxiety. We get used to the feelings of unease, apprehension, nervousness. “I’m just feeling a little out of sorts or off center or I’ve got things on my mind but it is no big deal.” Actually, yes, it is.

Anxiety, left unanswered builds, suffocates you mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and eventually can destroy your health. “Come on. It’s not big deal and I’ll get to it later. I’ve got bigger fish to fry right now. What’s a little jitters?” Now, as it is a big subject, we are going to start with how do you even know you are anxious? Right? If what I said is true, that we become so accustomed to it that we don’t realize that we are at sufferance of it, then how do we know?

My fave is food. Eating when I am not hungry. Many people call it stress eating. Standing in front of the open fridge at 3:30 AM grabbing out the fixin’s for a turkey and cheese sandwich. “Well, I was having trouble sleeping and I always sleep better with food on my stomach.” You feed your spouse their favorite meal and they’ve eaten until they nearly fell out but 30 minutes later they are rummaging through the pantry looking for a bag of chips because they are feeling peckish. How is that even possible?

The presence of addictions – chemical or mechanical – are a sign that we are trying to run off anxiety. Chemical addictions whether food, booze, drugs, coffee, cigs, chocolate, sugar. That chocolate that you just gotta have. That cig before you commit murder. The food consumption that borders on or crosses over into binging. If I ate it fast, it didn’t count. If I didn’t enjoy it, it didn’t count. Needing to fill my mouth. Habituated chemical addictions as way of doing anxiety.

Mechanical addictions. The nail biters who will chew their own fingers down to their first knuckle. The hair twisters who aren’t even conscious of how much they do it. The jaw clenchers and grinders. I had a boss who clenched and unclenched her jaw all day, every day, regardless of what was going on around her. She was oblivious to it. My roommate in college who ground his teeth and jaw so ferociously every night that I could hear it from down the hall. The folks who can’t stop jiggling their leg, bouncing that knee up and down at ever increasing speeds. Running off anxiety.

Some people pick fights, usually about insignificant things. “How many times do I have to tell you to put the cap back on the toothpaste? It is unsanitary and messy. Can’t you ever respect my wishes? How come everything always has to be your way?” And off we go. One guy’s boyfriend came home and launched into a tirade about who knows what. When he was finished, the guy asked him, “So what has any of that got to do with me?” “Why can’t you ever listen to anything I tell you?” Usually they aren’t or you aren’t really even angry. Just looking to pick a fight to run off anxiety. And even though the fight usually starts over minor or inconsequential things, the person being attacked gets suckered in and will fight back and it can escalate and terrible things get said and emotional damage done and trust gets broken all because I was feeling anxious. Potentially throwing away a loving relationship to run off anxiety.

Another way many of us handle our anxiety is to worry about everything. Everything. Constantly. It can almost become obsessive. “Do my tires look worn to you? I am thinking that they are starting to wear out. Maybe I should go check them.” “Well, it’s dark outside right now and you just bought them six months ago so it is unlikely that they are about to give out.” “Did you see the rash in that commercial? Doesn’t that look just like this red spot on my elbow? My God, I better go get checked out for psoriasis.” “Your elbow is red because you’ve been leaning on it.” “Yeah, well, just in case.” What if the lunch meat in the kids’ sandwiches wasn’t stored properly? How many eggs are there in the fridge? I worry and I worry and I worry. Things will rotate on and off the checklist of things I worry about but by trying to be hyper-vigilant and aware, by worrying about everything, maybe I can keep the bad stuff at bay. Running my anxiety through worrying.

Some people turn into martyrs. You go to get your COVID vaccine and you even have an appointment and they not only keep you waiting but they take other people first. And you know that they deliberately did it to you. The server refills everybody else’s water glass except yours and you know it was premediated. The busybody at work who is so busy helping everybody else with their work that they can’t get their own done and then can’t understand why nobody appreciates all that they’ve done to help everybody else. “Nobody understands me. Nobody ever helps me. I guess I’ll just have to do it all myself,” followed with a heave and sigh. Martyring themselves as a way to distract from the anxiety they are feeling.

Some people go into depression. The weight of the depression gets so heavy that they can’t get out from under it. Not feeling “a little down” but really depressed and it can take weeks, months, years to escape the suffocation of the depression brought on by anxiety.

Others go into righteousness and blame. There is a lot of this out in the world right now. But it gets to the point of absurdity. “The world is going to hell in a handbasket because the rotten liberals are a bunch of satanic, cannibalistic pedophiles, blah, blah, blah.” It makes me mad because if I had known I was a cannibal, I could have saved a fortune at Kroger over the years. In the 10,000 years of recorded human history blame has never solved anything. Accountability yes, blame no. But there is tons of blame in our world. And righteousness whose sole purpose is to make the righteous feel superior to and better than whomever is the object of their scorn. Running anxiety by blaming and being righteous.

And, finally, procrastination. The people who let the mail pile up for weeks or months but they’re gonna get to it. That closet that I’ve been meaning to clean out and sort through forever but I keep throwing stuff in there instead. That two minute phone call that I need to make for work but I can’t make it on Monday because they are just getting back to work and I don’t want to bother them. Then Tuesday comes and I’d call but they are just really getting back in the swing of things so I don’t want to be a nuisance. And on it goes and now it is Friday and the week is over so I’ll call next week. The bill I need to pay. Procrastination is how I do my anxiety.

If any of this sounds familiar, good. Because one of the steps of escaping being smothered by your anxiety is to know you have it and being aware of what you do to run it off. And then you can start looking for alternative, less destructive ways to express it.

Sensuousness

May 7, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo <a href="https://www.dreamstime.com/romantic-night-sky-large-moon-orange-color-beautiful-sprawling-branches-dark-leaves-skies-universe-stars-concept-image158084427">158084427</a> © <a href="https://www.dreamstime.com/luciferlucifermetal_info" itemprop="author">Phuttaphat Tipsana</a> - <a href="https://www.dreamstime.com/">Dreamstime.com</a>

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Sensuous.” “Sensuous who?” “Sensuous up, would you bring me another soda out of the fridge?”

Sensuality is about feeling. I started thinking about it listening to a friend complain about how unsatisfying most of his online hookups were. They were very mechanical but not much more. Certainly no feeling on any level other than physical. Sensation, yes, sensuality, no. Most people think of sensuality as something between two people but the sensuousness of life starts with self and our own experiences.

Life is full of sensuousness, if we will pay attention. Full of luscious, rich, sumptuous, exciting experience of feelings on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. Once we understand what it is, then we can better share that understanding with others.

Think about the feeling of certain foods in your mouth. The taste of your favorite dish and how that resonates throughout your body and the satiation that can bring. When I was little, my favorite dinner was fried shrimp. I liked the crunch of the breading. Combined with flavor of the shrimp and either the kick of the cocktail sauce or the cool tanginess of the tartar sauce. All of that together gave me a feeling of pleasure and excitement because it was so good. Or, the warming sensation of a hot drink on a cold day. A cup of tea or coffee or hot chocolate soothing you as you drink it. There is also the added bonus of the caffeine helping you to feel more alert to the sensations of your body relaxing into the warmth.

The feel of a breeze on a beautiful spring day as it gets inside your clothes and inflates them, making your skin tingle and feel refreshed. It can also refresh the mind and spirit if it has been a long winter and you are now free to go back outside and enjoy the freedom. The lightness you feel by not being weighed down by heavy winter clothes plus that rush of anticipation that you are about to take off with the wind.

The feeling of a friend’s hand on your shoulder that tells you you belong and are accepted just as you are and that you are alright. The sound of rain on a tin roof or the rustle of the wind through the trees that reminds you that nature can be soothing and healing.

Intimacy is not about the mechanics of sex. You’ve been watching too much porn. It is about the closeness, the tenderness, the vulnerability, and the trust between two people regardless of the specific nature of the relationship. The tenderness in the way we treat each other. How close we feel to each other. How willing we are to trust one another enough to be vulnerable with each another. All part of the sensuousness of life.

Thoughts and feelings are very sensual. Some people love drama and the way it makes them feel excited and alive. Other people hate drama. Some people like confrontation, others hate it. Some people love surprises. Other people hate surprises. Some people like spontaneity, others don’t. The sensations of life lived through our physical senses as well as our mind and emotions. Though they all seem something that just happens on the surface, all of these feelings, that rush of sensuousness takes us someplace deeper into our psyche, somewhere outside of time and space, giving our momentary experience a richness and texture and meaning that physical sensation alone can’t provide.

But there is also the sensuality of your spirituality. Our lives are constantly sending us messages with feelings that provide context and texture. A song we hear in passing on the radio that has a message we needed to hear at the moment. A passage we read in a book that is timely. A conversation we overhear. A chance meeting. An unexpected good fortune where something just arrives out of the blue. A feeling that won’t leave us alone. A thought that urges us forward or warns us to stop. A coincidence where – “Hey, I was just thinking about you and here you are.” A synchronicity where something worked out perfectly though it wasn’t planned at all. “Yeah, well, it was just luck or fate or chance.” Are you sure?

“Stop and smell the roses,” we are told when we feel too stressed or overwhelmed. We all live in a world that now prides itself on being so busy all the time that we need to be plugged in 24/7. We are constantly distracted from our own life and the cornucopia of sensual pleasures it affords us every minute of every day.

Sensuousness is about connection on an unspoken level. It happens between the words used to describe it and beyond those words. It is experiential through the five common senses, and through the senses you possess like intuition and knowing and warmth that lie beyond the familiar ones. It opens you to the transcendent where in a moment, and maybe only for a moment, you are lifted beyond time/space where you can touch and be touched by something more than what words can describe. A sensual experience – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - between two people can end the sense of separateness and/or alienation, leading to a sense that approaches oneness whether with partners, family or friends. Your work, your creative projects, your hopes and dreams all are sources of and all benefit from sensuousness.

Put down your phone. Open your senses. What are the smells, touches, tastes, sounds, sights, that your life is providing you with? Where do the accompanying thoughts and feelings take you? Do you find inspiration or hope or beauty or peace? Maybe a sense of well-being or contentment. Gratitude. Pleasure. Excitement. Life is a very lush experience. But you’ve got to be paying attention or those experiences will slip on by and you’ll be left wondering, just like my friend, why is this all so mechanical and rote? It’s not. But do you dare to find out?

Authenticity

April 26, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 167797555 © Pablo Avanzini | Dreamstime.com

Years ago, before Abercrombie & Fitch lost their minds, they used to sew patches onto their clothes that read: “A F (Original), Expert Quality, Guaranteed Durability, Genuine Performance,” and the year it was made, “Issue No. 1993” This patch was evidence of the garment’s authenticity. They had other versions of this on various labels, depending on the garment.

Dictionary.com defines authentic as - 1) not false or copied; genuine; real; 2) having an origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified; 3) representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.

Given the above definition and demonstration of the use of the word, imagine my surprise when I read, in Esquire Magazine, an article entitled, “Meet One of the Most Popular Men on Tinder.” The article begins with the advice from a popular figure on Tinder who states that in the first pic of your profile, you have to be strategic about your smile. A closed mouth implies one negative thing and too wide a grin implies something else negative. The article states, regarding your smile, “Display the faintest whiff of inauthenticity and you’re done for.”

Well, wrong. Who makes up these rules? If you were actually being legitimate about it, you would display your natural smile and not some contrived version meant to send a signal that hopefully everyone knows how to interpret. And, if your eyes are your nicest feature, show them off instead. Just sayin’. Appearances have nothing to do with authenticity. You have all heard the old saying not to judge a book by its cover, and if you have ever read a book, you know that to be true. Appearance may be important as to the level of physical/sexual attractiveness, but otherwise, as they say, beauty is only skin deep.

The article then goes on to tout the wisdom of presenting a very sparse profile (4 items per category). This is fine unless you are not a sparse person and, thus, your brevity is a misleading representation of who you actually are. Suppose you are gregarious or funny or collegial or very extroverted and sparseness doesn’t really represent you? So much for realness. And if you are only allowed 4 photos, 4 interests, a 4 word bio, how credible can you really be?

Authenticity is a word that currently gets thrown around a lot. I see it on LinkedIn and in various “How to Job Hunt” articles that warn that you’d better be authentic in the process even though, as we spoke about in my previous post, you are also supposed to be a brand. And where are the official guidelines about how you do this in a resume? Honesty is a good idea. Accuracy as to your work history is a good idea. But how can you be authentic if, in your interview, you go in prepared to play the game and bury who you really are?

Or supposed you are on a date and the subject of favorite sandwich comes up. Theirs is arugula and spirulina on gluten-free Naan bread and yours is, in reality, peanut butter and sardines on white bread? Do you dare tell the truth? What happens when they find out later? If that is actually your favorite, in being true to yourself and admitting that sandwich preference, then you are way more authentic than someone who goes with the trends or goes with the politically correct foodie way to eat.

Authenticity is about self-knowledge, character, principles, and integrity. It is about knowing who you are. What you think and feel and believe. It is about the things you do and don’t do well. It is about what you like and don’t like, and the people and places you like and don’t like. It is about knowing how honest you are with yourself, about everything, all of the time. It’s about knowing what you got right, what you got wrong, where you can improve and how you can and will do better tomorrow.

Authenticity is about having and developing character. Character means having ideals that you live by – dignity: wisdom; love; courage; balance; being of service to others; virtue; loyalty; creativity; responsibility; compassion; caring; gratitude; being understanding; always being respectful of others. These are not the only examples but ideals that we seek in the living of life. We don’t ever completely master these, never completely grasp them, but we become more in seeking their bounty. Principles are the things we will and will not do in seeking those ideals. As example, as much as I may love you I will seek the ideal of never ever consciously hurting you. That doesn’t mean, if I am having a bad day or am preoccupied or whatever, that I always will be fully present with you or that I won’t forget something you asked me to do or that I won’t say something without thinking it through that is hurtful. But I will seek the ideal of never deliberately, consciously, making the choice to be hurtful to you. Character is measured by how frequently, or not, you implement your principles.

Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking, and even when it is inconvenient. Integrity is living by my ideals and my ethics and morals. Integrity is keeping my word and keeping my commitments.

Authenticity will not be found by following someone else’s rules about who and what you are supposed to be. You have to make your own rules and live by them and deal with the consequences of those rules – revising them when necessary. Authenticity will not be found in your pics on social media, in getting the buzz words right, or trying to live your life by abiding by the decrees of influencers. It will not be based on the number of social media friends or followers you have or in how many times you have been retweeted. It will be found in the depth that life calls on you to develop.

Sounds like a tall order. Right? It is. It is the work of a lifetime. Where can we begin? One the most authentic things we can do is to meet people where they are, let them be who they are, leave our judgments at home and practice being compassionate and understanding, and by being ourselves in all of our glory.

Branding & Self-Image

April 20, 2021 Michael Dubin

An abbreviated version of Branding & Self-Image was printed in the June 6, 2021 issue of Georgia Voice

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For more than 10 years, it has become a “thing” to think about and talk about oneself as a brand. You are encouraged to protect your brand and grow your brand and promote your brand, especially in regard to business relationships. I bring my brand and its services to your business, and I expect us to be on a more or less equal footing.

In addition to this being total bs, I find it deeply offensive and unhealthy.

Brands refer to things like the brand of toothpaste you use or the mayonnaise you like. And when you are done with it, you throw out the old tube or jar and go buy a new one. Humans are neither disposable nor interchangeable. Humans are not things. We are complex, sentient beings and each of us is unique and multi-faceted. We are not a thing engaged in a series of transactions. The idea that all interactions are transactional, that we are each supposed to “get” something out of the transaction each and every time precludes the higher parts of our nature like altruism, compassion, understanding, caring, intimacy, even love.

Back in the late 80s and early 90s we heard the idea that, especially in personal relationships, we were to become the right kind of product that “people would want to take off of the shelf.” Become the right product and you will succeed. People will want you. You’ll find the relationship or job you are looking for.

I like the products I buy at the store. Whether bagged lettuce, nice shirts, comfy shoes, or sliced deli, I like and use certain products regularly. Is that the way I would want myself to be treated? A bought and paid for product that is then used by the purchaser however they see fit? “I got someone to take me off the shelf.” Well, that’s nice. Did you get to have any input into the transaction? Did it work out well? The problem herein is that people begin twisting and distorting who they are, or completely losing who they are, in order to be the “right” product or the right brand. Who sets these rules? When it comes to what the “right” product is, everybody will never all like or want the same thing(s). Right? Nevertheless, I am willing to lose myself to become a desired product.

The right product/brand wears the right clothes, goes to the right places, knows the right people, watches the right TV shows, likes the right music, and has the right kind of thinking, whatever. No dissent or divergence or diversity of thought is tolerated. The danger here is that these things that we are supposed to do and be begin to warp our self-image. “Well, I’m a yoga pants wearing, paradigm-aware, synergy of best practices augmented and informed by my core competencies.”

Heinz is a brand of ketchup. Tide is a brand of clothes detergent. Dial is a brand of soap. A brand is nothing more than the name of the maker of a product. The product has a very specific use but no matter how good the ketchup or the all-beef franks or the paper towels are, they are objects, things, and once used or consumed, I move on. Is this how you want the relationships in your life to be?

My identity – what I do, what I say, what I think and what I feel. If my identity is that of a product or brand, then I am focusing only on what I need to do or be to please other people – professionally or personally. What this leaves out are important questions like - Who are you? What are you about? What really matters to you? What brings you joy? Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, who are you? Who are you becoming? What fulfills you?

My self-image is about how I see myself. And that starts with the components of self-value. Self-awareness. Knowing who I am. Knowing my beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, decisions and choices. Giving myself a sense of agency in my own life, rather than being something that others use to fulfill their purposes. My self-worth, acknowledging and honoring my emotions and the complexity of them. My self-esteem, the esteem that I earn from myself. Self-love. When I learn to love myself, no one can take that away from me. Self-confidence, knowing that I can handle what life throws at me on a daily basis. These are some of the important things that influence and inform my image of myself.

When I relate to other people, whether in a business, personal, or intimate relationship, I need to have a real good idea of who it is that I am asking them to relate to. If I have fallen into trying to be the right product or the right brand, then the potential trap here is I am letting others define who I am. I may be a good brand for making your teeth whiter and stronger but what about my own teeth? Problem with being a tube of toothpaste is that the tube never gets to refuse being squeezed.

Self-image and self-identity are big and important issues in our lives and should not be trivialized. Yet in the “brand” way of thinking, that is exactly what we wind up doing to ourselves – trivializing ourselves. Why am I making an issue of this? Because next time we are going to talk about another popular buzzword circulating right now – authenticity. Product and brands don’t ever reach the level of authenticity. They may be good or bad quality. I may or may not like them. But they are only good for one purpose. They work or they don’t. We are all so much more than that. You are so much more than that.

If you have to play the Brand Game at work, OK for now. But don’t let those narrow confines define who you are and are becoming.

Carrying a Grudge

April 15, 2021 Michael Dubin

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One of my all-time favorite refrigerator magnets is that of a well- dressed woman in evening clothes saying, “I would say my biggest strength is my ability to hold a grudge until the day I die.” (www.ephemera-inc.com) Makes me think of my maternal grandmother, whom I worshipped. She was famous for carrying grudges forever. Both of my parents were only children so any close family went back to aunts and uncles of my grandparents’ generation. I know very little about any of them because, for whatever reason, especially regarding my mother’s family, we didn’t talk to them – for decades. Why? Because my grandmother had a grudge against them that was carried as a badge of honor.

We all know people who carry grudges. We have all been guilty of it at some point in our lives. Why do we carry them? Because we believe that if we forgive the infraction that has precipitated the grievance, that doing so makes it alright. And we are bound and determined that it is never going to be alright. Ever. So forgiving it is not an option on the table.

But forgiving doesn’t mean that whatever happened is now OK. It’s not. But holding onto a resentment, feeling animosity, because of something that happened in the past keeps us locked in that past. Every time we think of it, we have to remind ourselves of what happened and feel those feelings all over again and again and again. It is almost as if we are punishing ourselves by making ourselves feel that bad once more.

Now, I am not talking about experiences like abuse of some sort, or when someone does something that has serious negative consequences for you, a loved one, your family or your life. I mean the more venal sins rather than the mortal ones. Someone says something untoward that you don’t like or agree with or that hurts you feelings. Someone blames you or a loved one for something that you had nothing to do with. They refuse to take responsibility for something they clearly need to. Someone tries to manipulate you or actually succeeds in manipulating you. Someone betrays a secret confidence or gossips about you behind your back. And you will be damned if you will forgive whatever it was.

Forgiving, as already stated, does not make what happened OK. It may never be OK, especially depending on the severity of the impact of the misdeed. But it does begin to let you off the hook. Think about it this way. The person who spends the most time in jail is the warden. Prisoners come and go over time but the warden is always there. Forgiving lets you out of prison. “Well, what about them? What about what they did? There should be consequences for them.”

You don’t have to forgive the what, but to let yourself out of prison, forgive the why. Why did they do what they did? You may know exactly why they did what they did. They always look for someone else to blame. They always like to feel sorry for themselves and try to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them as well. Or they never take responsibility for anything. Or they have this compulsive need to always be right. Or maybe, if they admit they have made a mistake, in their own mind, they are admitting that they are a mistake, and that is too hurtful for them to process. Or they just can’t resist gossip. They know it is wrong and destructive but they just can’t resist the siren’s call. Or you may never know exactly why they did what they did. Nevertheless, you can forgive the why.

Also, forgive yourself, as well, for it happening in your life, rather than an endless litany of self-recriminations. “I should have known when I looked into their beady little eyes that I should never had trusted them or been their friend or whatever.”

One other thing to keep in mind, are you sure they know why you hold this grudge? Are they really aware of their deeply felt offense? For example, maybe they were drunk when they did or said something that humiliated you and they don’t remember. Doesn’t make it alright. They are still responsible for their behavior and their actions.

Now the what. No. You don’t have to forgive that but you don’t have to keep reminding yourself of it either. Doesn’t mean you are going to kiss and make up. Doesn’t mean now you can go back to being besties. You can still walk away from them. They may not be someone you want in your life. They have been hurtful. They have shattered your trust. They have shown no compassion or remorse. This is not someone that you have to keep in your life. The glory is that by forgiving the why, you get to stop reliving it, walk away from it and be free of it.

Yes, there will still be times when friends or family or a store clerk or whomever pushes your buttons and it sends you into a fit of pique where you are mad as a wet hen. Someone crosses the line of one of your pet peeves and now they are going to be sorry. No one is asking you to become a saint. And yes, forgiveness is a much bigger topic than what is being addressed here but this is a good place to start.

Think about some of the things you have been holding on to that are well past their expiration date. Take some time with this. This is not about the clerk at the deli counter being short with you. When you find something of substance that you are willing to forgive and let go of and have thought about it, then, how do you feel about it? Angry? Hurt? Scared? Self-blame? A sense of loneliness or betrayal? These feelings could impede the forgiveness process if not recognized and acknowledged, processed and released. Listen to the parts of you that don’t want to forgive. There may be a part of you that feels forgiveness is weak. There may be a part of you that tells you that you don’t need to forgive. Pay attention to this process. The goal is to understand what you think and feel here.

Next step is to look at what can I learn from this? Beside the reason of wanting to let yourself out of prison, what can I learn about myself in this process? What lesson(s) can I take from this? And then forgive the why. Once the why is forgiven, you don’t have to have those feelings of anger or hurt or fear or self-blame around this issue any longer. You can now reclaim some of your power and strength and love and that was lost by holding on to not forgiving. But above all, you can be free.

The Geometry of Choice

April 8, 2021 Michael Dubin

An abbreviated version of The Geometry of Choice was printed in the May 7, 2021 issue of Georgia Voice

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Do you ever stop and think about the number of choices you make every single day? From the moment you open your eyes, you are choosing to do or not do something. How good are the choices you make? Do you ever stop to evaluate them? Are they good or bad or neutral? Further, when you make a bad or neutral one, does it register differently with you than when you make a good one? Do you take your good choices for granted? How about your bad and neutral ones?

Choices define a singular point in time. What will I have for breakfast? Will I get dressed up today or be casual? Do I need to go to the grocery store? Should I call my brother? Is it time to run the dishwasher? You get the point. It is a singular choice made at a certain point in time. We don’t usually pay a lot of attention to them because many of those that we make are habituated.

Habituated choices are those that have become automatic. I don’t consciously choose to feed the cat while my coffee is brewing. It is something I do every morning without thinking about it. I leave my keys in the same place all the time so I don’t have to think about where to leave my keys. I never let my gas tank go below half full so I just automatically turn into the gas station when the fuel indicator is at about ½ full. No thought involved. But in all of these examples, there is a choice made.

Then there are choices made around the initial choice. If I want to have coffee, how many cups do I think I want this morning? Do I want my usual Folgers or do I want one of Peet’s varieties? If I am going out to lunch, what kind of food do I feel like having? Which restaurant do I want to go to? These kinds of choices define the area around that initial determination of having coffee or going out to lunch. In geometry, the initial choice to go out, for example, would be a single point on the page. The rest of the choices about what kind of food, etc., supporting that initial decision define the area around it – Length X Width = Area.

Then there are the choices that define the space, the volume (length X width X depth) of our life in which all of those things happen. These are the fundamental choices that we make about ourselves, our beliefs, our emotions, other people, our relationships, our work, how we see rest of the world. They shape and mold, and in many cases, twist and distort the choices we make on a daily basis. They not only effect the individual ones that define a singular point in space and time but all the others we make around those individual choices. Here are some examples of the kinds of foundational choices we might make. And keep in mind, sometimes we make a number of fundamental decisions that come to define who we are and how we live our lives.

I am good enough. I am not good enough. I can forgive myself. I am unforgivable. I can trust myself. I can’t trust myself. I seek to be understanding of others. I only try to understand people who try to understand me first. Love heals. Love hurts. I can easily create successes. I have to struggle with everything. I can handle it when challenges arise. I have to control everything so there are no surprises. I can handle my feelings. I avoid my feelings. I am responsible for my life, the good and the bad. I get to blame everybody else for anything bad in my life. I get to decide what matters in my life. I let other people tell me what matters in life. People are basically good. People are selfish and rotten. The world is a friendly place. The world is a scary place.

As you can see, the list could be and is, indeed, endless. But let’s look at one example very quickly. Love hurts. I’ve made the fundamental choice to believe that. Thus I will believe that if I love, I am going to get hurt. I will have an attitude of wariness and mistrust of others, especially anyone I might decide to date. I will want to control. I will potentially think love is too much work or is a struggle or is not worth it. Or, that I need to keep love at arms’ length so that, if I get hurt, it won’t hurt as badly. I feel scared or mistrustful or suspicious. I may decide to sabotage my relationships before I can really get hurt. All of this and more out of just one fundamental choice that love hurts. And that colors and taints all the others I make about dating or not, intimacy on any level - not just physical, the level of caring I am willing to have and show, how vulnerable I am or am not willing to be. All the many many choices contained within that volume, that cube, that world of mine are defined by that fundamental decision that love hurts.

It is always a good idea to review the choices we make. The simple, point-in-time ones and then those we make around it that make it happen. And also to evaluate and review the environment, the structure of our own direction and design, that we have created for ourselves by the big choices, the foundational choices we make about ourselves and our lives.

Do you make good or bad choices? Do you practice making them? Do you think about their potential impacts and outcomes? Do you look at the really big foundational choices that don’t often come up for review? As you review and revise the big, fundamental choices you make, the single point-in-time choices you make will change. And as those choices change, the choices that you make around those single choices will change. And as all of those choices change, your life will change. Change for the better.

Cancel Culture & Smiting

March 29, 2021 Michael Dubin

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I find it interesting that suddenly, as a society, we all have our drawers in a knot over cancel culture. The Left uses cancel culture as a means of testing progressive ideological purity and the Right uses it as a reason to whine and as a weapon to beat the Left with. Benjamin Wallace-Wells wrote an article entitled, “Cancel Culture Is Not a Movement,” that was posted on the New Yorker site on March 11 of this year. He writes, “When politicians or commentators talk about ‘cancel culture,’ they are typically speaking of a fear that even ordinary people who express ideas that are politically incorrect will be publicly shamed—that social media has enabled a universal speech surveillance, and that people and institutions are now self-policing, out of fear of it.” Basically our version of Orwell’s Thought Police.

Wikipedia defines cancel culture as, “Cancel culture is a modern form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether it be online, on social media, or in person. Those who are subject to this ostracism are said to have been "cancelled". In other words, banishment and exile.

Gay men are well aware of this phenomena. Gay men have been practicing cancel culture forever – and doing so in broad daylight so it isn’t new to us. Cancel culture, behaving as if someone or something does not exist and/or does not have the right to exist. If you are not pretty enough, don’t have a good enough body, have the wrong skin color, are too old, not wearing the proper trendy clothes, etc., you are toast.

Picture yourself out walking through the mall, let’s say, and a nice looking gay guy walks into your line of vision. They clock you looking at them. If you are not someone they find attractive, they will look away from you using a gesture I have come to call the “Neck Snap,” in which they turn their head, thus averting their eyes, away from you with such suddenness and ferocity, it is a wonder it doesn’t give them cervical damage. And they get to pretend you don’t even exist and, thus, get to avoid having to acknowledge you as a living, breathing presence on Earth. What would be nice would be if we learned to at least acknowledge one another.

As powerful as words are, words do not create reality. Yes, there are a lot of hurtful, condescending, demeaning pejorative phrases out there. And I have no issue with it being politically incorrect to use them, as well as morally wrong in many instances. That said, political correctness has been in use for a while now and those words or attitudes are still around. Banning words doesn’t fix the underlying problem. And if someone calls me a faggot or a pansy or says I am light in the loafers, well, sticks and stones may break my bones but you can kiss my ass. Doesn’t mean I want you banished from society. Just stay away from me. Your bad behavior is a reflection of you on you and has nothing to do with me. What I need to know is what has made you think and feel and act this way. What would be great would be if we started to ask people what led them to beliefs or opinions we find politically and/or morally incorrect and seek to understand.

It is the underlying issues of why the bad behaviors continue, in spite of political correctness, that need addressing. Yes, human history is chock-full of atrocious behavior that needs to be faced and dealt with but dealt with in the sense of what we are going to do moving forward. Rather than cancelling, I think on-going public reproach and shaming of people or groups is way more effective than banning or ostracism. Personally, I would like to see the return of public stocks and pillories. Now, I wouldn’t let the public physically harm those thus confined. I simply want them to be publicly shamed for their bad behavior. Dunce caps would be fine. Making someone stand on the courthouse steps holding a sign that says, “I haven’t mastered three syllable words yet,” works for me. You get the idea. As a friend of mine says, “If you don’t know how to act decently, we’ll show you how to act.” Problem is that those we judge as being in need of being confined to the public stocks and pillories no doubt feel the same way about us.

We live in a world where we all decry the lack of civility and decency and the shamelessness run riot though our society. Banishing, ostracizing, excommunication, exile, cancelling, doesn’t make the problem go away. The only thing that goes away, at least for a while, is the particular offender or group of offenders. It was Joseph N. Welch, chief counsel for the United States Army, in his confrontation with McCarthy in hearings before McCarthy’s Senate subcommittee, in which he famously asked McCarthy "At long last, have you left no sense of decency?" This was widely seen as a turning point against McCarthyism. (Wikipedia) The problem here is we all no longer seem to have a consensus on what constitutes decency.

Cancelling is a form of smiting. Very Old Testament. We end up judging those we deem or who have proven themselves as being beyond redemption, thus the need to banish. Does not the Judeo-Christian ethic teach us in the Bible about mercy and compassion over judgment? Mercy is taught in the Quran. Buddhism teaches compassion and mercy. You get my point. Now, yes, there are those in our history who seem by their acts and/or beliefs to be beyond redemption. And certainly, for some, redemption would be a long, hard road. But who among us, at some point in our life, has not needed compassion and at least the possibility of and chance at redemption? But, here again, those we judge and condemn as either needing redemption or being beyond redemption no doubt think we are as equally a lost cause.

Rather than cancelling, ostracizing, banishing, public shaming, exiling, etc., how about we learn to talk with one another again rather than at one another? We do still have the facility as thinking/feeling humans to create safe spaces in which we can begin to communicate rather than cancel. We can ask one another - How did you get here? What propelled you on your journey to these beliefs and actions? - We don’t have to agree with what we hear but at least we can begin to understand and in that understanding, odds are we will begin to once again find some common ground.

Feelings, Wo-o-o Feelings

March 23, 2021 Michael Dubin

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The song “Feelings” by Morris Albert begins with the lyric, “Feelings, nothing more than feelings, Trying to forget my feelings of love.” Truth is most people, especially men, would rather forget their feelings period, not just feelings of a lost love as in the song.

Feelings are messy. Feelings are problematic. Right? Where do they come from? What are you supposed to do with them? Why do you need them? Better just to not feel them, be done with them and enough already. Problem is that thoughts and feelings are a combination package. You can’t have one without the other. “Well,” they’ll say, “let me put my feelings aside here so I can be objective. Let me get my feelings out of the way so that I can be open-minded.” Or, conversely, “I need to get out of my head. I’ve been thinking about this too much and I just want to feel about it. I am just going to follow my feelings.” People try to pretend that they can do one without the other. But you can’t.

When we are determined to stay just with thinking, the thinking can lead to an endless loop of thinking-thinking-thinking that goes nowhere and you can’t make any kind of decision because you don’t get the confirmation or disapproval that feelings (your gut) provide for your thought process. Trying to deny feelings keeps you from some very important information that is available to you. Your feelings will let you know good idea, bad idea, try something else, get over it already, whatever. When we are determined to stay just with feelings, the feelings can become irrational because they are not tethered to anything, not grounded by anything. As a simple example, you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you are grumpy. So whatcha going to do? “Well, I’ll just feel grumpy until it goes away and let it potentially ruin my day. Or I’ll take it out on people who had nothing to do with me being grumpy.” Do you have any reason for feeling grumpy? If not, why not just let it go and enjoy your day?

So what are you supposed to do with thoughts and feelings? Recognize that the thought or feeling is there. Then acknowledge that it is you thinking or feeling this way and that nobody made you think or feel this. And then what? Well, is it important or is it just a passing thought or feeling? If it is just a thought or feeling passing through, let it go. “Well, I can’t do that.” Why not? Most people can do that with passing thoughts but feelings – “You have to understand. I had a feeeeeeling!” OK. And?

You all have noticed that there are lots of feelings right now out there in the world, with anger being one of the predominant emotions going around. Lots of people are angry about lots of things and many of these fine folks haven’t the slightest idea of what to do with all that anger except make sure that everybody else knows they are having this feeling. We will deal specifically with anger in a future column and there is certainly nothing wrong with anger any more than there is nothing wrong about having any emotion. It is what you do with those feelings.

So what is your pattern of dealing with feelings? There is the ever-popular approach of trying to numb them so you don’t feel them at all. Some try to numb their feelings with the refreshment of their choice – weed, pills, booze, coke, mushrooms, some combination thereof. Others try to numb their feelings with other emotions like self-pity. “Oh, poor me. I am dealing with this or that and it is causing me to feel things I don’t want to deal with so I’ll just feel sorry for myself. Or, it is all so unfair. This and that has happened and I am the victim here.” It all goes numb when I feel like a victim and complain to anyone who will listen. Numbing, long-term, regardless of your method, does not work as those feelings don’t really go away unless acknowledged and consciously released.

Or do you just stuff it in one of your pockets and walk around with it a while? Men especially, usually when angry, love to withdraw and/or stomp around for days, weeks, months, acting angry but never doing anything about it. “I’ll just carry my feelings of love, anger, hope, fear, around in my shirt pocket.” But, again, those feelings don’t go anywhere until acknowledged and released appropriately.

Others blame, especially if it is a constricting emotion. “You made me feel this way.” No they didn’t. You feel what you feel. I can walk up to someone and tell them that they are ugly and their mother dresses them funny and get all kinds of reactions. One person might find it funny and laugh, another might be offended and insulted, and a third might wonder if I’d lost my mind. Or they might respond, “You know my mother?” But the reaction engendered reflects the makeup of the person, not what I did to them. Now that is not to say that when someone does something that evokes a response of love or fear or anger or whatever that that response isn’t important. If it is truly what you feel, then it is up to you to decide what to do with that feeling and how you are going to respond.

Some folks deny their feelings or distract themselves from their feelings or discount their feelings. “No, I’m not feeling whatever.” “Let’s go do something so I don’t have to deal with what I am feeling.” “Well, yeah, I am feeling a bit whatever but it isn’t that important.”

Finally, some people know what they are supposed to feel in certain situations but they would rather act those feelings out than actually feel those feelings. So it becomes a performance of feeling without actually feeling. And sometimes they can get away with it for a while but people catch on that there is little or no depth or substance to those performed feelings. You’ve all heard the complaint that someone is emotionally unavailable.

What is your pattern of handling feelings? It is a good time to do that self-assessment with so much free-floating anger and despair and uncertainty out there in the world. And when you do come across love or hope or joy or compassion, you will be able to access those feelings and reap their bounty.

But, But, I Trusted You

March 19, 2021 Michael Dubin

Photo 91623375 © Romolo Tavani | Dreamstime.com — Photo 91623375 © Romolo Tavani | Dreamstime.com

How do you know if you can trust someone? Most of us think of it as a leap of faith. “Well, I’ll take a chance.” So we make the leap. Sometimes our trust is rewarded and sometimes it isn’t. And when it isn’t we feel betrayed, disappointed, hurt, angry. “But I trusted you.” And then you blame either them or you or both.

Trust is actually something way more practical. Do someone’s actions match their words? When someone says that they will attend an event with you but then “something” always comes up, do you continue to trust their words or past actions? When someone says that they can keep one of your secrets but they are forever telling you other peoples’ secrets, can you trust them to keep yours? If a friend swears that this time they will be on time for a concert, a movie, dinner, whatever, do you trust their past track record of behavior or what they are telling you now? That doesn’t mean you are not willing to be pleasantly surprised if they actually do show up on time but what are the odds?

If you go out with someone and they check their phone constantly, do you still trust them to be considerate and attentive? If every time you have a disagreement or fight with a friend or family member or significant other and they always go for the jugular and then tell you that it is your fault because they have told you not to make them mad, is this someone you should trust?

If someone tells you, “Listen, I gotta be honest here . . .,” the question isn’t should you trust what they are telling you now, but if they are being honest now, have they not been previously? If every time you go out with someone and they spend the night attention seeking or flirting or cruising the room, are you going to trust them to keep commitments such as fidelity – mental and emotional, not just physical – to you?

This also applies to self. Do you keep your word? Your promises? Or do you only do so when it is convenient? Do you keep confidences or is the allure of gossip too strong to resist? Do you keep your promises to yourself regarding your goals, you hopes, living by your principles like honesty and integrity (two components of self-esteem), your commitments to yourself? Are you the good friend, sibling, partner, you say you are or only when you have time?

You know yourself and your patterns and you know others and their patterns of behavior. It doesn’t take a lot of analysis or special powers of intuition. It only takes the power of observation regarding others and the power of honesty regarding yourself. Are you trustworthy with yourself? That will also impact your process and ability of trusting others. Do you say what you mean and do what you say? It is really that simple and that practical. Maybe not always easy or convenient but it is that simple.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, not good.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, not good.

All this to say that it doesn’t mean trust will never be broken by someone who you appropriately trusted. But the odds are much slimmer. And if and when that happens, that is on them for a poor choice or series of choices they made and not a reflection on you.

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. It starts with you. Are you trustworthy? Can you trust you?