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How do you know if you can trust someone? Most of us think of it as a leap of faith. “Well, I’ll take a chance.” So we make the leap. Sometimes our trust is rewarded and sometimes it isn’t. And when it isn’t we feel betrayed, disappointed, hurt, angry. “But I trusted you.” And then you blame either them or you or both.
Trust is actually something way more practical. Do someone’s actions match their words? When someone says that they will attend an event with you but then “something” always comes up, do you continue to trust their words or past actions? When someone says that they can keep one of your secrets but they are forever telling you other peoples’ secrets, can you trust them to keep yours? If a friend swears that this time they will be on time for a concert, a movie, dinner, whatever, do you trust their past track record of behavior or what they are telling you now? That doesn’t mean you are not willing to be pleasantly surprised if they actually do show up on time but what are the odds?
If you go out with someone and they check their phone constantly, do you still trust them to be considerate and attentive? If every time you have a disagreement or fight with a friend or family member or significant other and they always go for the jugular and then tell you that it is your fault because they have told you not to make them mad, is this someone you should trust?
If someone tells you, “Listen, I gotta be honest here . . .,” the question isn’t should you trust what they are telling you now, but if they are being honest now, have they not been previously? If every time you go out with someone and they spend the night attention seeking or flirting or cruising the room, are you going to trust them to keep commitments such as fidelity – mental and emotional, not just physical – to you?
This also applies to self. Do you keep your word? Your promises? Or do you only do so when it is convenient? Do you keep confidences or is the allure of gossip too strong to resist? Do you keep your promises to yourself regarding your goals, you hopes, living by your principles like honesty and integrity (two components of self-esteem), your commitments to yourself? Are you the good friend, sibling, partner, you say you are or only when you have time?
You know yourself and your patterns and you know others and their patterns of behavior. It doesn’t take a lot of analysis or special powers of intuition. It only takes the power of observation regarding others and the power of honesty regarding yourself. Are you trustworthy with yourself? That will also impact your process and ability of trusting others. Do you say what you mean and do what you say? It is really that simple and that practical. Maybe not always easy or convenient but it is that simple.
If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, good.
If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, good.
If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, not good.
If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, not good.
All this to say that it doesn’t mean trust will never be broken by someone who you appropriately trusted. But the odds are much slimmer. And if and when that happens, that is on them for a poor choice or series of choices they made and not a reflection on you.
It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. It starts with you. Are you trustworthy? Can you trust you?
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Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc