Self-Care Is Self-Esteem – Part 2

Last time we talked about the fact that self-esteem is a real, on-going need. It is fundamental that we work toward meeting our real needs. Additionally, when you learn how to earn it from yourself, self-esteem can help you make better decisions and choices in life. You can be inspired to not let your life get stale or routine or become trapped in old emotional or mental patterns that can be limiting, if not destructive.

There are all kinds of ideas out there in popular culture about what self-esteem is and isn’t. The bottom line is that self-esteem is your evaluation of you.

In Part 1, we talked about that in order to have more self-esteem, you need to determine that you are a powerful person meaning - you give yourself the permission to take actions in life, to make decisions, etc. You don’t wait on others to tell you it is OK to do so. You don’t rely on others telling you what to do. And you do already have the authority to give yourself that permission - to be powerful enough to take the actions you need to take. None of us are helpless and we are not victims. Power is the willingness and the ability to act, to take action.

Also, self-esteem comes from working to get better and better at thinking and feeling. Look at and reflect upon your patterns of doing each and see where you can improve and grow. Finally, it is essential to evaluate your character. Do you act with integrity? Always? There is no self-esteem without integrity.

We concluded that discussion with Three Things to Do Daily - Be brutally honest with yourself about everything and tactfully honest with others. Be responsible. All or at least most of the time and always about the big things. You don’t have to be perfect. And integrity - Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

All of the above is very doable and most of you do some or most of this already. If you have not read Part 1 or listened to the podcast, I would encourage you to do so. All of that said, what else is there to Self-Esteem?

A big part of self-care and, thus, self-esteem, is seeking to understand yourself. Why are you the way you are? As a silly example - “Well, I’m a Taurus, so that’s why I’m stubborn.” Seriously? Would you accept that excuse from someone else? Why are you stubborn? You like to be right? You hate change? You think you know it all? You don’t trust other people’s opinions or knowledge? What? You get the point. No, you don’t need to call me and do six months of counseling to figure out why you like strawberry ice cream. You just do. OK. Fine. But when you start to run into things like you realize that your lack of trust in love is messing up your relationships, then maybe it would be a good idea to understand why you don’t trust love rather than do without it in your life. Just saying. Learn to understand yourself.

Why do you immediately get defensive when someone asks you a question? Why do you fear losing yourself in a relationship? Why do you like challenges? Why do you hate challenges? Why do you feel like you have to prove yourself to everybody else? Why do you love the thrill of rollercoasters? Why do you love change? Why do you hate change? Why are you always drawn to the “bad” boys or “bad” girls? It is those kinds of things that can trip us up that we should start with. Once you have recognized and acknowledged the pattern, go deeper. Why do I hold on to these patterns or habits? What can I learn about me here?

Also, it is of paramount importance to seek to understand, at least on a working level, other people. Understanding does not mean that you have to agree or be the same, nor does it mean that you have to convert them to your way of thinking or being, nor be converted to their way of thinking or being. It is part of respect – toward self or others – to acknowledge differences and we all are different. I will give you an example of how this might play out in a relationship.

In Dating – Part 4 – Preparing Yourself for the Rigors of Dating – we talked about the Five Love Languages. The 5 Love Languages is a method of understanding how people prefer to give and receive affection. How, in some sense, we feel loved. Comprehending what has meaning to us in a relationship. I recently worked with someone who is in what she reported to be a really good relationship but there was one hurdle. Her partner expressed affection through lots of touching. She didn’t like being touched all of the time. Didn’t mean she didn’t like sex. She did. She just did not like the feeling of having her boundaries, her physical space, invaded all of the time by constantly being touched. She is like me in that our primary love language is acts of service.

Her partner could not understand that.  His primary love language is physical touch. So, who has to change here? Neither of them, in truth. The place to start is having the understanding of each other’s priorities. Have that conversation or series of conversations rather than, “Well, you don’t love me because you won’t let me touch you whenever I want to,” or “You never help me around the house.” So, instead of packing up my marbles and storming off, as we understand one another (and ourselves here), we can build stronger and longer lasting bridges toward one another by making accommodations over time out of respect and understanding. And in that seeking to honestly understand ourselves and someone else or other people in general, we also will generate more self-esteem from ourselves for ourselves.

Also, in seeking understanding, seek meaning. What do things mean to you? You are the only one who has the authority to make that decision. In the example above, what does it mean that one partner does not want to feel like she is being pawed or petted all of the time? It means, at least to her, that she wants to be related to in a way where she feels seen and heard as something and someone more than a sex partner. She wants to be related to on all levels as someone worthy of attention, affection, respect, compassion, and being understood, rather than constantly dealing with, “If you don’t let me touch your endlessly, you don’t love me,” which would not be true. Now I am exaggerating this a bit to make the point.

What do things mean to you? Another seemingly silly example. “If I can’t get to the grocery store early in the week, it causes me anxiety.” OK. We have established that understanding. Now, what does that mean? Well, it could mean I like to have my chores out of the way, so my weekend is free. It could mean that when I go, it gives me some time alone to decompress and be productive at the same time. It could mean that when I go on the weekend and the shelves are picked over and the store is out of what I need and want, it makes me unhappy. What do things mean to you? And what does something mean to someone else? I know someone with chronic pain issues, and they say, “I feel like shit,” a lot. Yeah, I understand that part, but I have no idea what that means. Does it mean the same thing every time they say it? Is it always about their physical discomfort or does it mean something else?

Bottom line – seek to understand yourself and then seek to understand others, even if you don’t agree with them or have the same belief system as them or have any desire to be like them. And seek to understand what things actually mean to you – The Kroger cashier was short-tempered with you. Does that mean they dislike you or were having a bad day or they were just really busy? And seek to understand what things mean to others. I am not trying to turn you all into therapists but if you will work with understanding and meaning, you will become better humans with more self-esteem.

This next step correlates to the third step in Part 1, in which I recommended that you evaluate your own character. We talked about it in terms of looking at establishing integrity and principles, and thus character. Do I live by my principles like not consciously hurting others? Do I do have integrity? Am I a person who keeps my word, etc.? Do I have the courage of my convictions? In this step, take it to the next level. Look at and evaluate your motivations. What motivates the actions you take? Are my actions taken with the motivation, the intention, of being honest; having integrity; being a caring person; establishing a greater level of closeness; whatever; or am I motivated by expediency? Expediency meaning - “I’ll get to all of the character stuff later when I have time or when it is more convenient but for right now, let’s keep things simple at all costs.” (or) “Let’s just go with whatever feels good at the moment or with what meets my desire for immediate gratification.” “I need leverage here, so I am going to manipulate the situation. I’ll just try to see what I can get away with here.”

Now, in Part 1, we talked at some length about dealing with yourself in bad faith. When you look at your motivations and intentions, you will know what is true for you, though you might hate to think it true. In a relationship, I want this and you want that, and that can be anything from where we go to dinner to establishing the boundaries and rules of our relationship and anything in between. And instead of working through the process of understanding, and that can be a quick process, I choose to manipulate you to get what I want whether that means Chinese for dinner rather than Mexican, or having an open relationship even though that is not what you want. Suppose you are having a disagreement with a family member or friend or loved one and they will say and do anything to be right, to win the argument, or they just want to shut you down. They want this to happen now – thus the sense of expediency. Clearly this kind of behavior is not OK, even if it reflects their lack of self-esteem.

A work example. How many of you have had the experience of working for a supervisor or manager who will say and do anything, out of a sense of expediency, to get you to do what they want right then? What they are saying or what they want may not even make rational or logical sense but nevertheless, they want you to do X and they will manipulate you into doing it. Or a manager who is such a control freak that if you walked in and said, “The sky is blue,” the response would be either, “Yeah but except when . . .,” or, “It is not. It’s . . .,” and they will argue you to the mat until you give up in exhaustion. This is obviously neither leadership nor even good or effective management. But, for them, it is expedient. It is what they need and want right in the moment. These people will not have much of any self-esteem to speak of and, having had exposure to these kinds of managers at some point in your life, you are acquainted with this kind of behavior and its potential impact.

Evaluate your own motivations and intentions. Are they motivated from character and integrity or from a need of expediency? The more of this kind of evaluation you do, and the happier you are with what you find, the more self-esteem you will have. And if you don’t like what you find, you are always in a position of power to do something about it.

Next step, this corresponds to the second step in Part 1 which is about honestly evaluating how good you are at thinking and feeling. How good are you at each? What are your patterns? Where can you improve or deepen these abilities? In this step, look at how well you integrate thought and feeling. As example. If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear someone moving about downstairs and you live alone, you are rightfully going to be afraid. Absolutely. However, if you suddenly wake up afraid in the middle of the night, does that automatically mean that there is an intruder downstairs? If someone says something that hurts your feelings, yes, you are going to feel hurt or at least a bit peevish. Right? But if for some reason you are feeling hurt, does that mean someone else said or did something to make you feel hurt or is it just a feeling passing through? If someone does something deceitful behind your back, you are going to be angry. But if you feel angry, does that necessarily mean someone went behind your back?

That you feel something does not always mean that there is a thought of fact behind it. As we have talked about before, that you have a feeling come up, in and of itself, is not a cause for either alarm or celebration. Is the feeling causing the alarm or desire to celebrate tied to anything? Or is it just a feeling passing through that floated up out of your subconscious mind and you need to let it go? In Self-Care is Knowing Your Default Reaction, we talked about habitual emotional responses. “I’m mad because you are late as always even though you knew we had to be on time for this event.” OK. But if I feel mad that doesn’t mean you were late. Anger, remember, is one of the default settings.

All feelings are legitimate in that you are feeling them. But not all feelings are legitimate if the thinking that generates them is not accurate. “You’ve been sneaking around a lot lately, so you must be up to something. You’ve been very secretive and that must mean you are seeing someone else, and I am jealous and hurt.” “No, actually I have been trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you and you know I have a terrible poker face. I can’t hide anything well.” But when you feel something, acknowledge the feeling and then see if you have any valid or logical reason to feel that way rather than denying your feelings. Just don’t let your feelings run your life. And if the feeling isn’t tied to something in fact, let it go.

“If it feels good, do it.” Remember that old trope? That it feels good doesn’t mean it is a good idea. “I really like feeling mellow at work, so I am going to smoke a blunt before work.” But walking into work reeking of weed and looking buzzed may not be a good idea. Also, we need to become really well acquainted with ourselves and our patterns and to learn to differentiate between real feelings and the urgings of our ego. We may feel, for example, that our boss is a complete toadstool and that they deserve to be informed of that posthaste. However, looking at the logic of that, maybe not so much. More likely what our ego wants here is for us to express to them that we consider ourselves better than or superior to them. Probably wouldn’t be good for job security.

You need thinking and feeling together in order to make decisions on what actions to take in your life and then you need to be able to evaluate how good of an idea it was after the fact. So, the question in this step is – How good are you at integrating your thinking and feeling? Do you do just fine until a feeling comes up and then it all goes off the rails? (see blog and podcast Feelings, Wo-O-O Feelings) Or do you think and think and ruminate and stay all up in your head and won’t go near feelings for love or money? “Doesn’t matter what I felt. I think this or thought that.” When you try to separate rather than integrate thinking and feeling, self-esteem tanks. Not only will the integration of thought and feeling boost your self-esteem, it will give you a much firmer foundation for honestly evaluating yourself. And you will also be amazed at how it will help your sanity levels.

The last step and it goes along with the first step of claiming your power. Here, and this in integral, is the determination of and commitment to the fact that we are not helpless. And yes, there are times when we find ourselves between a rock and hard place and can’t imagine a solution. But the determination to eventually find one will get us through it. Ask for help from loved ones and trusted associates, or from professionals in whatever field. Do research if necessary. Certainly, take a step back and see if you can gain some new perspective on the issue. Remember to breathe. Be patient, meaning look and listen over time for answers that make sense and feel right (see previous step). Keep on keeping on and that determination that you are not helpless, will help you find more personal power and generate more self-esteem.

Each of the steps, on its own, has value and will serve you well. Each of us must determine to be powerful and determine that we are not helpless. We evaluate our ability to think and feeling and then we evaluate our ability to integrate what we think and feel. We evaluate whether we are living by our principles, ideals, character, and we evaluate our motivations in everything we do. And we must seek understanding and meaning. This is a process that you can learn to work.

Finally, in Part 1 I told you three things to do daily that will change your life. They are – Honesty; Responsibility; and Integrity.

To those three, I want to add four more:

Trust. Now, my very first blog post and my very first Podcast are entitled But, But, I Trusted You. Learn to trust yourself and then others. A couple of take-aways from that short post. Say what you mean and do what you say. You will be more trustworthy. (Yes, you earn trust from yourself as well, not just from others.) Then evaluate - Do your actions match your words? You can learn to trust peoples’ behaviors, not necessarily what they say. As example. My brother, for a variety of reasons, is always late. Always. He will tell you he is in the process of getting ready early. He may tell you he is working on getting out the door. What I know I can trust is that he will be late. It’s money in the bank. Trust is a very big subject, but this can be a good starting point. Are you trustworthy? Are they? Do you/they say what they mean and do what they say? Do actions match words? How consistent are actions? It is through evaluating those actions and patterns of actions that you can learn what you can and can’t trust.

Listen to the messages life sends you. Pay attention to your life, not your phone. Life, the universe, whatever you want to call it, has a funny way of sending all of us messages. A song you hear that may strike a chord. A poem you read that resonates emotionally. A conversation you overhear that tells you something you needed to hear. Someone reacts to you in an unexpected (good or bad) way. Whatever it may be, pay attention to information coming into you from a variety of sources, especially those from beyond your phone screen. Yes, this is more esoteric, but it will trigger thought and feeling and, in so doing, kick you into evaluating and then integrating your thinking and feeling.

Let yourself listen to your feelings. Listen to your feelings, understand your feelings about this or that, and use the input to make better decisions, without letting your life be run by your feelings. What does your gut – not your ego – but your gut tell you about something or someone? Are your feelings in concordance or at odds with what you are thinking? Thought plus feeling equals emotions. And honor your hopes, goals, dreams, and desires as they are important to you, revising them as necessary.

Finally, never ever ever consciously hurt other people or yourself. That doesn’t mean you may not inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings. But there was no intention to do so present. We aren’t perfect and sometimes we say or do the wrong thing, or we miss the opportunity to say or do the right thing. But never intentionally hurt someone else or yourself. “Well, I told you not to make me mad. You got what you deserved.” Nope. “I told you not to go there.” Nope. It isn’t what you say but how you say it and why you say it that will immediately impact your self-esteem.

Now, you don’t have to take my word that what all I’ve described will work to help you generate more real self-esteem and that it will be rock solid enough to lean on. Try it on your own. Give it some time and be open to the process and what can come of it. As you work with the components and the process itself, you and your life can change and don’t be surprised if and when it does. Let us know if you have questions or if we can help.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Self-Care is Self-Esteem – Part 1

So, let’s talk about Self-Esteem – What it is and what it is not. The “lack” of self-esteem has often been used as an excuse to justify or rationalize bad behavior. Somehow, if I or you lie, play games, are unfaithful, are deliberately hurtful, have no compassion, whatever, if we do those things because we are lacking in self-esteem, well then it isn’t as bad as if we had self-esteem and did those things. That is, of course, complete nonsense.

When people are dishonest or controlling or playing games or whatever, the truth is that those behaviors reflect a lack of character, a deficit in their principles and ideals. It is, funny enough, those old-fashioned values of having morals, character, and integrity that contribute greatly to the process of generating real self-esteem. However, it is a great deal more than that but if you read no further than the end of this paragraph, if you lived your life solely by those values and did nothing more, you would have more self-esteem on a daily basis.

Now, yes, esteem from others is important. We all want to be held in high esteem by others. That means we want to be respected and admired for who we are rather than for what we have accomplished. Although we can certainly be respected and admired for what we have accomplished in life, more importantly, we want to be respected for who we are. We want others to recognize our worth. We all want to be held in high regard by family, friends, and associates. However, being esteemed by others is not the same thing as self-esteem and being esteemed by others will not provide self-esteem. We must earn our self-esteem from ourselves.

Esteem is a real and an essential need. Psychologist Abraham Maslow is famous for having developed what he labelled as the Hierarchy of Needs. These needs are endemic to humans. Level One is Physiological Needs – air, food, water, shelter, sleep, clothing, etc. The things we need to survive physically.

Level Two is Safety Needs. Most people think of safety as a physical thing, absolutely. But we all also have mental, emotional, and spiritual needs that, when met, help us to feel safe. What those needs are can vary widely between people. As example, suppose you are one of those people who is driven by logic and reason, and you need the people around you to be logical and reasonable and rational. Then someone walks into your life who works off of their feelings and intuition. They follow their gut, logic be damned. That person might make your logical self feel profoundly unsafe. Level Two, meeting your safety needs and ensuring the security of your survival.

Level Three of the Needs Hierarchy is Love and Belonging. It is a human need to give, receive, and be loved. We all have the need and the desire to be intimate – close, tender, vulnerable, trusting, caring – with selected others. We all also need to feel like we belong – whether to a group, a tribe, a family, a place, an occupation, etc. Where do I belong in life? What kinds of people, what career or field of interest, what geographic location, is where I belong? We’ve all had the experience of being on the outside looking in, longing to belong - to the “cool” group or the jocks or a specific country club or a certain business association, or a specific house of worship or a recreational group. We need and want that sense of connection.

Then comes the need for esteem. Need Level Four – Esteem. From others, yes, but more importantly, from ourselves. “Why isn’t getting esteem from others enough? Seems to me it is better if I get it from someone else.” Are you sure? What happens if, for some reason, they stop holding you in high esteem? That doesn’t necessarily mean that they begin to dislike you but what if they move away or just drift away and you are unable to get your regular fix? Suppose you have hundreds or thousands of social medial followers? Now, having lots of social media followers may feed your ego but it won’t give you real self-esteem. That said, what happens if you fall out of favor, are deemed to have committed a microaggression or some other infraction and get cancelled? Whatcha gonna do? The real gift here is, and this applies to self-love as well as self-esteem, is that while no one can give these things to you, no one can take them away either when you are getting them from yourself.

When I teach and do counseling, I work off of a modified hierarchy and in my hierarchy, there are four additional levels above esteem but that is for another time. The thing to keep in mind about this hierarchy is that you need to be working to meet the needs of all four of the levels we’ve laid out above concurrently. You don’t wait until you’ve met all of your survival needs and then move up a level to working on your safety needs. And then once you’ve met all of your safety needs, then you can move up to love and belonging needs. No. All four levels must be attended to, though their immediate existential priority in relation to one another will change, often daily. Thus, meeting esteem needs is as important as meeting your survival needs. And, meeting the needs of each of these levels is an ongoing process. The nice thing about meeting our core needs is that we become happier people in the process.

Another nice thing about self-esteem is that when you find your life or yourself to have stopped growing and changing, when things have gotten stale, routine, dull, it can motivate you to keep on growing and stretching. To grow and stretch even more in service of, or at least heading in that direction, becoming all that you can be. This is not an ad for the army – “Be all that you can be.” – No. Maslow called it self-actualization, the peak, the culmination, the highest of the needs, our needs.

The choices we make and the beliefs that we hold are partially sourced from our self-esteem. As example, how often have you made a choice that you knew not to make because you knew what the fallout would be? And yet, you made that choice when you had other options and sabotaged a relationship or a job or even your life? And if not you, how many people have you seen self-sabotage or self-punish? And why did they make those choices? Because they believed they needed to or had to or deserved what they got or they just didn’t want to prove an errant belief wrong. “Nothing ever works out for me,” that is until you let something work out and then you get to see that yes it can, and that the world would remain on its axis. In order to generate more and more self-esteem, we can learn to evaluate potential outcomes of our choices before we act and we can practice, over time, making better and better choices as we go along. And we can root out and heal the errant beliefs like the one just mentioned so that they change into something more positive.

One more thing. Without our own sense of self-esteem, we run the risk of potentially taking on and living other people’s beliefs and other people’s choices. As example, if you are a supervisor or manager, you have seen people who live up or down to your expectations of them, unless they operate from their own expectations of themselves. People who take on the beliefs from others about their worth and what their lives can and can’t or will or won’t be. Or fulfilling a role we think are expected or destined to play rather than living a life that reflects our most authentic self.

Sometimes we wind up making the same kinds of choices we see others making, refusing to make choices for ourselves. I watched my mother self-sabotage herself more times than I can tell you. The choices were fear based but they were also self-sabotaging. Why did she do this? I learned early on that my nerve body couldn’t take that feeling of knowing I’d just deliberately fucked myself. Why did I make those choices? I made them to be self-punishing. Esteem will get you out of these kinds of places.

Self-esteem is our own value judgement of ourself. It is your self-evaluation of you. Your estimate of who you are. So let’s look at what are some valid criteria that we all can use to evaluate ourselves in a way that can generate real self-esteem? And then, what specifically are some things we can and must do daily?

As simple as this is going to sound initially, make the determination to be personally powerful. That is not so easy in our current world. There is a lot of self-pity and people feeling like victims. People feeling helpless. People feeling mistrustful of and anxious about pretty much everything. Pick your area – environment, civil rights, health care, education, whatever - I hear a lot of, “What is the point? The deck is stacked against us. Nothing will ever change.” Or, the ubiquitous “They”. “They did it to me. They are responsible, not me. I am powerless against whomever or whatever.”

First thing is to come to peace with the fact that you are not powerless nor are you helpless, and you are not a victim, in the greater scheme of things. That doesn’t mean bad or unwelcome things won’t ever happen in your life, but you are not, ultimately, a victim. You have power, meaning, you do have the ability to take actions in your life. Yes, there may be times so bad that you are paralyzed by fear or there may be times that you are so happy that you feel life is just going your way and you need take no actions in life for fear of rocking the boat. In either case, you eventually will need to take further positive actions in your life. The question is, are you willing to act, to take action, when necessary?

Start with recognizing that you are powerful enough to act, to have a sense of agency, that you are not helpless nor a victim. Then evaluate how willing you are to take action, to be powerful. Whether that means finding a new job; proposing to your significant other; finally going to the dentist even though you hate going; stop procrastinating about getting the oil changed in your car; applying to grad school; voting; appropriately standing up for yourself; going for that promotion – recognize that you are the only one who has the authority to give you the permission you need to take those constructive actions in your life. Knowing that you are neither helpless nor a victim, but rather are willing and able to act, you will, over time, generate more and more self-esteem.

Secondly, honestly evaluating how good you are at thinking and feeling. Yes, I have written and podcasted a lot about thinking and feeling. Self-esteem is one of the main reasons why. How good are you at each? Most people tend toward thinking everything through, being logical, rational, reasonable, trying to avoid feelings at all costs. (See my blog post and podcast on feelings.) Others prefer feelings, intuition, their gut response to life. They find thought too detached and arid and cold-blooded. If you want self-esteem, you will need more than a passing acquaintance with both your process and habits of thinking and feeling.

What kind of thinker are you? Are you a fast thinker, a slow thinker, a focused thinker, a clear thinker, a creative thinker?  Do you look at the quality of your thinking? That you had a thought is great but is it a good thought, a productive thought, a thought that will lead to good things? Do you practice thinking? How well acquainted are you with your thought process and how it works? Your mental habits. Do you ever question your own thoughts or thought processes? Do you ever work on thinking more clearly, more effectively, more powerfully? Do you work at developing your skill of thinking? Do you try to learn and think about new things, or do you tend to stick with what you know, however limited or expansive that may be?

How well do you feel? Do you feel deeply, powerfully, profoundly, consciously, intensely, or shallowly, reactively, superficially? How good are you at identifying your feelings or do they just sit there as a sort of vague unease until you are able to bury or forget them? Are you willing to go into the depth of your emotions or do you skate around the edges?

The second step is to evaluate and be aware and then set out to grow your ability to think and your ability to feel. Thinking for yourself and feeling what you feel, not what you think you should think or feel, not what you think others think you should think or feel. In our current world where too many blindly accept conspiracy theories, where too many are willing to be influenced by the “influencers” on social media for FOMO, where there is an abundance of folks everywhere who are more than willing to tell you what to think and feel, it is critical that you think and feel for yourself and that you deepen and stretch and grow your ability to think and feel. That will bring you more self-esteem.

One last point here. With your capacity to evaluate your ability to think and feel, it enables you to be able to learn from or get something from pretty much anything – a silly person, a forgettable television show, or a dull job. Without that ability, you could read or hear or watch something remarkably profound and life changing, and you’d miss it because you have not developed those deeper skills. Do the work here. The returns will be immeasurable.

Thirdly, evaluate your character. Do you live by your principles? There are several components to character. What ideals do you try to live by? Being an understanding person is an ideal, for example. Being understanding doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything you understand. But it does mean that you seek to understand yourself. You seek to understand other people and where they are coming from, and you try to see things from their perspective. Or you try to understand situations that you find yourself in that may be unexpected or foreign to you. Another ideal is being compassionate. Having empathy for others and the trials they may be facing. Compassion is often born from having experienced something similar and you understand the depth and breadth of what someone else is going through. Creativity is an ideal. Being a loving person is an ideal. Being honest is an ideal. Balance is an ideal. So is always doing the right thing. We may never reach the fullness of those ideals but in our striving to live by those principles, we become more.

Once you have some idea of what your ideals are, then you establish principles. Principles are the actions you will or won’t take in pursuit of those ideals. My ideal may be to be an honest person, but I also stick to my principle of not deliberately hurting anyone in being honest with them. Principles are boundaries in a sense. Character is the frequency with which you live by your principles. If I only do the right thing when other people are looking, then I don’t have much character. If I only behave responsibly when I have to or when someone makes me, I don’t have much character. Thus, a person who has character can identify and define their ideals, can delineate their principles, and adhere to them, live by them, and function within those boundaries. And those people will have a much greater sense of self-esteem.

We all evaluate our own character. Jean-Paul Sartre in his book, Being and Nothingness, talks about ‘Bad Faith.” Sartre makes a clear distinction between lying to oneself and lying in general. He writes, “The essence of the lie implies in fact that the liar actually is in complete possession of the truth which he is hiding. A man does not lie about what he is ignorant of . . .” He goes on, “. . .in bad faith it is from myself that I am hiding the truth.” “It follows first that the one to whom the lie is told and the one who lies are one and the same person, which means that I must know in my capacity as deceiver the truth which is hidden from me in my capacity as the one deceived. Better yet I must know the truth very exactly in order to conceal it more carefully . . .” And, Sartre insists, we will fail completely in deliberately and cynically attempting to lie to ourselves.  And we will fail because implicit in this is the knowledge that, on some level, we know good and well when we are lying to ourselves. No matter how much we try to justify or excuse or explain it away, we know. And it is that knowing that we are acting in bad faith toward ourselves, that we rob ourselves of self-esteem. When we do not live by our principles and ideals, when we fall short, when we do not act from a position of character, and we try to fool ourselves into believing that what we did wasn’t so bad or that it doesn’t matter, the price we pay is self-esteem because we know better on some level.

Abraham Lincoln said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.” The part he didn’t tell you is that you can’t ever really fool yourself because you know when you are dealing with yourself in bad faith.

So, to wrap up Part 1, first know that self-esteem is a real need. No fine print. Working to meet your needs is an ongoing , never-ending process that, as you work with it over time, becomes easier and more automatic.

Self-esteem can be what shakes you out of the doldrums when life has gotten routine or stale or habitual. It can and will motivate you to continue to grow and change and become more and, in so doing, become free from so much in life that can shackle you or impede you.

Self-esteem can be one of the reasons we learn to make ever-better choices and decisions in our lives.

Self-esteem is your self-evaluation of you. We all are certainly our own toughest critics. When all of the daily noise and distractions and diversions are gone and it is just you with you, no one else, and no one else will know what you really think of you but you, if you are OK in your own book, not perfect, not fabulous, not flawless, but really OK, then you are in a good place headed to even better places.

On a daily basis, claim your power. You do have the ability to act, to take positive, healthy, productive actions in your life. How willing you are to do so is a question you will have to answer. If you are unwilling to act, then know that is an obstacle that can be overcome. You are not helpless. You are not a victim. Victims don’t have self-esteem. They want someone to come and rescue them, fix their life for them. You have the authority to give yourself the permission to act, to be powerful. In so doing, you will have more self-esteem.

On a daily basis, evaluate how good you are at thinking and feeling. We all need to have more than a passing acquaintance with how we think and feel the way we do, and why we think and feel the way we do. We need to know our mental and emotional patterns and habits so we can improve them. And as we become more intimate with our own processes and keep working to improve the quality of those processes, the more self-esteem we will have. You have no idea how well this step alone will serve you.

On a daily basis, evaluate your character. Did you have the integrity to live up to your principles and ideals in pursuit of developing and enhancing your character today? The more you did, the more you’ll have.

Finally, three things to do that will change your life.

Honesty – Brutal honesty with yourself and tactful honesty with everyone else. Honesty about where you excel in life and where you can improve. Honesty about who and what you are and are becoming – the good, the bad, and the indifferent. Honesty about your goals and hopes and dreams and about your fears, your attempts to control and manipulate, your hidden agendas that no one else knows about, and the times you try to manipulate others. Honesty about your beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, and about your intentions. Honesty about your expectations. The list is endless. When you come across things you don’t like about yourself or are not proud of, you have the power to do something about that. And, above all, be honest about the things you do well – your successes, your accomplishments, your ability to love and care and give of yourself, your strengths and your talents.

Responsibility - Responsibility is not, “Well, you made your bed, now lie in it.” Your ability to respond. You know when you are being responsible and when you are not. You know if you’ve met your commitments, your obligations, your duties, if you will, to yourself and others, and you know when you haven’t. You know how and when and where to be responsible and if you’ve done so, and you also know when you’ve procrastinated, put off, ignored your responsibilities like paying the electric bill or going to bed so you can get up and go to work in the morning or getting new brakes on the car for your safety and for the safety of those you love rather than spending that money shopping online and putting off the repair. The more you are responsible, the more self-esteem you will have.

Integrity – Doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do – always, even when no one else is watching, and even when you aren’t going to be praised for it because only you will know. Keeping your word, your commitments and promises to yourself and others. Integrity is saying what you mean and doing what you say. Integrity is being unfailing honest and trustworthy and reliable. Integrity is striving to not let yourself or others down and when you do, doing what you can to make things right again eventually.

This is a lot to digest, I know. And Part 2 is coming, so this is not the complete process. Self-esteem is a process – an ongoing, never-ending process. But it gets easier and becomes a part of who you are, so you won’t even have to think about it. You will just do it. If you need help with any of this, send us an email or give us a call. Start with all of the above. It will change you and it will change your life. I know this because once I learned this process, it changed me and my life forever.

Stay tuned for Part 2. And again, please let us know if we can be of help in any way.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Dignity

Dignity is valuing yourself and valuing others. If you do a Google search, it will tell you that it means being valued and respected for what you are, what you believe in, and how you live your life. It means treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves – which is basically the Golden Rule of “do unto others . . .”

Dignity has several components. Value is primary but dignity also includes character and integrity; your personal framework of memory and myth; your personal dreams and visions; and freedom. In our current world, too many are seeking to strip others of their dignity and that is a contributing factor in the breakdown of civility and communication in our society. We often won’t take the time to talk with, much less understand, those who we have deemed unworthy of being valued and respected for who they are, what they believe in, and how they live their lives.

 In other blog posts we have talked a great deal about valuing ourselves and others. It begins with self-awareness - knowing our needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, the choices we make and why, and more. And while the hopes, dreams, needs, wants, of others are more than likely are very different than ours, it doesn’t make those things any less valuable. When you deny or dismiss the value those things, you strip away some dignity.

Beyond self-awareness, value also includes self-confidence and self-self-love. Self-confidence is knowing that you can cope with whatever life throws at you – both good and bad. We all have different coping mechanisms and different ways of evaluating whether we feel prepared to cope with life. We are all impacted by different things in our own unique way. What may be devastating to one of us might just roll off the back of others of us. What we cannot do is undermine peoples’ coping mechanisms by insisting that they see things or react or deal with things in the way we think they should or as we would. Doing so would undermine their sense of self-confidence.

Self-love is also part of value. When we learn to love ourselves, we are more likely to recognize our own value and, thus, the value of others and the value of the loving relationships they have in their lives.

We won’t go into self-respect here as there is an entire blog post and podcast devoted to that subject that is available to you.

When we deny or refuse to see and respect the needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, choices, self-respect, self-love and self-confidence, in others, we are stripping them of dignity. And that is not OK.

Character is an important part of dignity. Character and integrity go together. As we discussed when we talked about authenticity, character is about living by our ideals and principles like honesty, compassion, caring, morals, ethics, being responsible, never deliberately being hurtful to others, etc. The measure of our character is how often and how successfully we live by our principles. Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking. Integrity is keeping our word and keeping our commitments.

When we disparage or disregard or harshly judge the character and integrity of people we know nothing about, we are blinding ourselves to their dignity. We cannot make any kind of value judgment about the character and integrity of anyone based on their appearance or gossip we have heard about them, much less based on some assumption that we have made about them. When we treat others from a place wherein we are not living by our own character and integrity or when we make negative assumptions about anyone’s character or integrity, we turn our backs on dignity.

Also, we all have our own framework of memory and myths. Even if you and I and a friend of ours all went to the same concert or party, all three of us would remember the event differently. We would certainly all remember some of the same things but there would be no absolutely correct version of our memories. So it goes with all of us. Often we remember things from our childhood differently than our parents. A big shock for many as an adult is when they find out that a memory that they have held onto since childhood that was a defining moment for them, their parents have no recall of it ever happening. My point is we all have a storehouse of memories that shape and mold us – our perceptions, our perspectives, our ways of coming at the world and our ways of being in the world. And, over time, we let go of some memories and replace them with newer and more important memories – both good and bad. But everyone’s storehouse of memory is exclusive only to them. We don’t get to judge their memories. We only get to try to understand them and the impact they have had or continue to have. And refusing to respect that the memories that have shaped someone else, that are more than likely very different from your lived experience, cheats them of respect and dignity.

Further, we all have our own personal framework of myths. Most people think of myths as nice stories like fairy tales. Myths are stories but not fairy tales and certainly not fiction. Myths have been used throughout history to explain where we came from, how we got here, and the origin of our people or tribe, our customs, our beliefs, our rituals as a society or as a people. Myths are also instructional. They explain how to approach life or make it through life in a variety of situations. They are archetypal in that sense. This or that myth explains how we should do this or get through that challenge in life or how to make good decisions or do the right thing. Many are about how to avoid the traps that life can set for us.

We all have a set of stories that we tell ourselves about the ways the world works and about how life works and about how we have to approach life and the people in it. Those myths that we live by are informed by the memories we hold, the experiences we have, as well as the beliefs we have come to trust. This is the way life or relationships work and that is just the way it is for us, at least until we decide to change. This is why, as the old wise saying goes, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” You have no idea of the memories and personal myths that have come to form them as they are because those experiences and memories and strategies of getting through life are so personal and so singular to each and every one of us.

We all also have our own dreams and visions for our life. The things we want to accomplish and experience. Where we see ourselves as our life progresses. The life we want to live. And freedom is about the freedom to be and become whomever we want to be, unencumbered by the judgments or obstacles placed on our path by others.

When you encounter someone who doesn’t think like you, look like you, dress like you, worship like you, eat the same things you do, like the same music or movies that you do, remember it is their personal value made up of self-awareness, self-love, self-confidence, self-respect; their character and integrity, their myths and memories; their dreams and visions for their own lives; and their God-given freedom to be and become whomever they want; that has produced the person you are encountering. You do not get to judge them or their process. As we said above, dignity is about treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves and nobody likes being judged unfairly or deemed less than others.

There are a lot of problems in the world right now and to begin to fix them, we are going to need all hands on deck. And in order for us to do that we are going to need to begin respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity. No, not everybody is going to be just like you nor should they be. A society of the Borg would be a horrible place to live. But as we once again learn to and practice respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity, the good news is you are going to meet some amazing people along the way. And as we learn to work together, so will come quite literally, our salvation.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Self-Respect

An edited version of Self-Respect was published in the Georgia Voice paper and website on 7/23/2021: thegavoice.com

Photo 213490420 © Kukurund | Dreamstime.com

I don’t usually eavesdrop on conversations. That said, when someone is talking loud enough for me to hear, it’s on them. Right? So I am listening to this guy tell a friend that as he is now in his 50s, he has recently discovered self-respect and having done so, has put his wife and his twenty-something aged kids on notice that if they dare to disrespect him, they are all going to be sorry. He isn’t going to take it anymore. But wait, there’s more.

Not only is his family now on notice, but he isn’t taking it from anybody else either. So he finds himself on a surface street that is being blocked by two cars, one headed in one direction and one headed in another and they are having a conversation. When the one headed in the opposite direction of him moves, he drives around the person that has been blocking him, yelling something out the window at the driver. Then the driver catches up to him and starts yelling at him. This goes on with them now chasing one another so that the last person that got yelled at can yell back and get the last word. It escalates with an open water bottle being thrown back and forth between cars and then eventually an opened canned soda being thrown back and forth between the two cars.

The story teller eventually chases this other car into a cul-de-sac where they are both stopped with the cars facing one another. The yelling continues until the passenger in the other car gets out and pulls a gun on the guy telling the story, who then backs his car out of the cul-de-sac and goes home. But he feels vindicated, even though he almost got himself shot, because he wasn’t going to put up with being disrespected.

Respect is not something you can demand any more than you can demand that someone trust you. Respect, like trust, is earned. First from self and then from others. It is not unlike understanding. If you want people to understand you, you must first seek to be understanding of others. “Oh, no. They better ‘get’ that they need to understand/trust/respect me first.” Good luck with that. People that can’t or won’t treat others with respect, as clichéd as it sounds, usually have no idea what respect means or they don’t respect themselves.

So, where to start? Step one is to honestly and appropriately express all of your emotions. Back in March I wrote a blog post entitled, “Feelings, Wo-O-O Feelings,” about dealing with feelings so I am not going to belabor this now. However, first you have to be able to correctly identify what you are feeling. Are you angry or are you sad? Are you happy or just content? Are you really hurt or just disappointed? Once you have identified what you are feeling, then express it appropriately. If I am angry or confused, let’s say, sometimes just the admission of that can help clear it. If I acknowledge I am angry with myself or someone else, or, if I am confused about something or you are confusing me, then I can do something about it. And I will earn respect from myself for having identified the feeling and moved beyond it. But if I scream and holler at you because I am angry at you or I punish myself because I am angry with me, I am inflicting pain by my inappropriate expression and there is no basis there for earning respect from myself.

Further, too many people, like our friend above, get the idea in their heads that “out of self-respect, I get to tell you what a no good, dirty rotten, low down Communist I really think you are.” That isn’t acting out of self-respect. That is acting out of judgment and ego. Far better to just walk away from behavior you find offensive or inappropriate.

So it goes with positive emotions like love. Famed Spanish poet Federico Garcia Lorca wrote, “To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” Or suppose you are proud of yourself or someone else and instead of expressing that pride, you give them or yourself some kind of left-handed compliment or say something snarky instead. There will be no foundation on which to build self-respect. When you can appropriately express of your feelings, your estimation of yourself will rise.

Secondly, when you fail at something or fall short of your goal, stop and figure out what went wrong. Why did you not succeed as you had intended? Do not blame anybody or anything else. You can‘t fix what you won’t be responsible for. Whether it is a work project, a hobby, or a relationship, whatever the nature of that relationship, when something goes awry or doesn’t work or falls apart, look for what happened. Could it have been avoided? What decisions, actions, choices, beliefs, etc., led you to where things are now? And own and admit that you contributed to this outcome.

Now, a lot of us grew up with the idea that if we made a mistake, not only do we feel terrible about having done so, but we were supposed to be punished for it. No. I learned many years ago that when you hold up you hand, say, “Yeah, I did it,” and be responsible, people will break their backs to help you correct whatever went wrong. And you and others will respect that.

But what about when things go right, go well? How did you get here? What decisions, actions, choices, commitment, perseverance, got you here across the finish line? Own that. Not out of ego. Succeeding doesn’t make you better than. But it is important to figure out and know how you succeeded. Why? So you can do it again. ‘”It was just luck.” Really? Honor the process you used to succeed so that you can replicate, usually with adjustments for the situation, additional successes and greater successes. That you can and will respect.

And finally, always – always – operate from a place of integrity and character, meaning that the ends never ever justify the means. It is always about how you got there. The process. The steps taken. How you conducted yourself along the way, on a daily basis. Were you honest or did you manipulate others? Did you cut corners or did you make sure that the quality of work or product was not sacrificed in the name of expediency? Did you build bridges to others or did you burn bridges in your quest to be first? Did you seek to be understanding and compassionate of self and others or were you impatient, condescending and rude as you progressed? My personal yardstick has long been if I can look into my own eyes in the bathroom mirror at the end of the day and feel good about me, that is all that matters.

Life is a process in the big picture, and so are all of our days, in the little, immediate picture. No one is saying we have to be perfect. Clearly not. But process is the means to our ends and how, on a daily basis, we get to where we are going, is one of the surest ways we can and will learn to respect ourselves.  And, rather than risking getting ourselves shot in a dark cul-da-sac, we will be able to respect that maybe someone else was just having a bad day.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Authenticity

Photo 167797555 © Pablo Avanzini | Dreamstime.com

Years ago, before Abercrombie & Fitch lost their minds, they used to sew patches onto their clothes that read: “A F (Original), Expert Quality, Guaranteed Durability, Genuine Performance,” and the year it was made, “Issue No. 1993” This patch was evidence of the garment’s authenticity. They had other versions of this on various labels, depending on the garment.

Dictionary.com defines authentic as - 1) not false or copied; genuine; real; 2) having an origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified; 3) representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.

Given the above definition and demonstration of the use of the word, imagine my surprise when I read, in Esquire Magazine, an article entitled, “Meet One of the Most Popular Men on Tinder.” The article begins with the advice from a popular figure on Tinder who states that in the first pic of your profile, you have to be strategic about your smile. A closed mouth implies one negative thing and too wide a grin implies something else negative. The article states, regarding your smile, “Display the faintest whiff of inauthenticity and you’re done for.”

Well, wrong. Who makes up these rules? If you were actually being legitimate about it, you would display your natural smile and not some contrived version meant to send a signal that hopefully everyone knows how to interpret. And, if your eyes are your nicest feature, show them off instead. Just sayin’. Appearances have nothing to do with authenticity. You have all heard the old saying not to judge a book by its cover, and if you have ever read a book, you know that to be true. Appearance may be important as to the level of physical/sexual attractiveness, but otherwise, as they say, beauty is only skin deep.

The article then goes on to tout the wisdom of presenting a very sparse profile (4 items per category). This is fine unless you are not a sparse person and, thus, your brevity is a misleading representation of who you actually are. Suppose you are gregarious or funny or collegial or very extroverted and sparseness doesn’t really represent you? So much for realness. And if you are only allowed 4 photos, 4 interests, a 4 word bio, how credible can you really be?

Authenticity is a word that currently gets thrown around a lot. I see it on LinkedIn and in various “How to Job Hunt” articles that warn that you’d better be authentic in the process even though, as we spoke about in my previous post, you are also supposed to be a brand. And where are the official guidelines about how you do this in a resume? Honesty is a good idea. Accuracy as to your work history is a good idea. But how can you be authentic if, in your interview, you go in prepared to play the game and bury who you really are?

Or supposed you are on a date and the subject of favorite sandwich comes up. Theirs is arugula and spirulina on gluten-free Naan bread and yours is, in reality, peanut butter and sardines on white bread? Do you dare tell the truth? What happens when they find out later? If that is actually your favorite, in being true to yourself and admitting that sandwich preference, then you are way more authentic than someone who goes with the trends or goes with the politically correct foodie way to eat.

Authenticity is about self-knowledge, character, principles, and integrity. It is about knowing who you are. What you think and feel and believe. It is about the things you do and don’t do well. It is about what you like and don’t like, and the people and places you like and don’t like. It is about knowing how honest you are with yourself, about everything, all of the time. It’s about knowing what you got right, what you got wrong, where you can improve and how you can and will do better tomorrow.

Authenticity is about having and developing character. Character means having ideals that you live by – dignity: wisdom; love; courage; balance; being of service to others; virtue; loyalty; creativity; responsibility; compassion; caring; gratitude; being understanding; always being respectful of others. These are not the only examples but ideals that we seek in the living of life. We don’t ever completely master these, never completely grasp them, but we become more in seeking their bounty. Principles are the things we will and will not do in seeking those ideals. As example, as much as I may love you I will seek the ideal of never ever consciously hurting you. That doesn’t mean, if I am having a bad day or am preoccupied or whatever, that I always will be fully present with you or that I won’t forget something you asked me to do or that I won’t say something without thinking it through that is hurtful. But I will seek the ideal of never deliberately, consciously, making the choice to be hurtful to you. Character is measured by how frequently, or not, you implement your principles.

Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking, and even when it is inconvenient. Integrity is living by my ideals and my ethics and morals. Integrity is keeping my word and keeping my commitments.

Authenticity will not be found by following someone else’s rules about who and what you are supposed to be. You have to make your own rules and live by them and deal with the consequences of those rules – revising them when necessary. Authenticity will not be found in your pics on social media, in getting the buzz words right, or trying to live your life by abiding by the decrees of influencers.  It will not be based on the number of social media friends or followers you have or in how many times you have been retweeted. It will be found in the depth that life calls on you to develop.

Sounds like a tall order. Right? It is. It is the work of a lifetime. Where can we begin? One the most authentic things we can do is to meet people where they are, let them be who they are, leave our judgments at home and practice being compassionate and understanding, and by being ourselves in all of our glory.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

But, But, I Trusted You

Photo 91623375 © Romolo Tavani | Dreamstime.com

How do you know if you can trust someone? Most of us think of it as a leap of faith. “Well, I’ll take a chance.” So we make the leap. Sometimes our trust is rewarded and sometimes it isn’t. And when it isn’t we feel betrayed, disappointed, hurt, angry. “But I trusted you.” And then you blame either them or you or both.

Trust is actually something way more practical. Do someone’s actions match their words? When someone says that they will attend an event with you but then “something” always comes up, do you continue to trust their words or past actions? When someone says that they can keep one of your secrets but they are forever telling you other peoples’ secrets, can you trust them to keep yours? If a friend swears that this time they will be on time for a concert, a movie, dinner, whatever, do you trust their past track record of behavior or what they are telling you now? That doesn’t mean you are not willing to be pleasantly surprised if they actually do show up on time but what are the odds?

If you go out with someone and they check their phone constantly, do you still trust them to be considerate and attentive? If every time you have a disagreement or fight with a friend or family member or significant other and they always go for the jugular and then tell you that it is your fault because they have told you not to make them mad, is this someone you should trust?

If someone tells you, “Listen, I gotta be honest here . . .,” the question isn’t should you trust what they are telling you now, but if they are being honest now, have they not been previously? If every time you go out with someone and they spend the night attention seeking or flirting or cruising the room, are you going to trust them to keep commitments such as fidelity – mental and emotional, not just physical – to you?

This also applies to self. Do you keep your word? Your promises? Or do you only do so when it is convenient? Do you keep confidences or is the allure of gossip too strong to resist? Do you keep your promises to yourself regarding your goals, you hopes, living by your principles like honesty and integrity (two components of self-esteem), your commitments to yourself? Are you the good friend, sibling, partner, you say you are or only when you have time?

You know yourself and your patterns and you know others and their patterns of behavior. It doesn’t take a lot of analysis or special powers of intuition. It only takes the power of observation regarding others and the power of honesty regarding yourself. Are you trustworthy with yourself? That will also impact your process and ability of trusting others. Do you say what you mean and do what you say? It is really that simple and that practical. Maybe not always easy or convenient but it is that simple.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, not good.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, not good.

All this to say that it doesn’t mean trust will never be broken by someone who you appropriately trusted. But the odds are much slimmer. And if and when that happens, that is on them for a poor choice or series of choices they made and not a reflection on you.

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. It starts with you. Are you trustworthy? Can you trust you?

© 2021 Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc