AIDS Survivor Syndrome

For those of us who lived through the 80s and 90s, we have experienced a living hell. We wondered if indeed we were being punished by God for being gay – which made no sense. God has made us this way. Why were we being abandoned by God in such a public and cruel way? Why were we being cursed?

It was spring 1985. Spring in Atlanta is beautiful. Standing in the Armory having one of their 75¢ cocktails on a nice April night, a friend innocently asked me if I had heard of the “new gay cancer.” I replied, incredulous, "How the hell would a cancer cell know if you were gay or not?" Then friends, people who you planned to go through life with and grow old with started dying – in droves. Suddenly we all bore the mark of Cain – shunned, despised, stigmatized, pariahs.

Whether you pulled through as a long-term survivor living with being HIV+ or whether you got through it uninfected, none of us got through it unscathed. Some of us wonder why we survived and others did not. Why was I spared when this or that friend or loved one was not? Why do I still feel so guilty? Will I ever get over the fear and the pain? Will I ever stop missing them?

We all found a way to cope but there never really was any moving on – the scars too deep; the pain too intense.

If you find yourself dealing regularly on an ongoing basis with any of the following, you may be dealing with AIDS Survivor Syndrome:

Depression · Lack of Future Orientation

Panic from Unexpected Older Age - My God it is 10, 20, 30 years later and I survived. What the hell happened to all those years?

Suicidality · Sexual risk-taking · Self-destructive Behavior · Substance Abuse

Social Withdrawal & Isolation · Persistent Negative Thoughts like Deep Regret and Overwhelming Shame · Survivor’s Guilt

Cognitive Impairment Such as Poor Concentration and Loss of Immediate Memory · Loss of Ability to Enjoy Life or Anhedonia

Deep Sadness · Emotional Numbness · Anxiety & Nervousness · Irritability or Flashes of Anger

Difficulty Falling Asleep or Staying Asleep · Nightmares

Personality Changes · Feeling Tense, “On Guard” or Hypervigilant

Low Self-Esteem & Self-Worth · Sense of Hopelessness · Irritability · Self-Stigma

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.”
- Rumi