Photo 167797555 © Pablo Avanzini | Dreamstime.com

Years ago, before Abercrombie & Fitch lost their minds, they used to sew patches onto their clothes that read: “A F (Original), Expert Quality, Guaranteed Durability, Genuine Performance,” and the year it was made, “Issue No. 1993” This patch was evidence of the garment’s authenticity. They had other versions of this on various labels, depending on the garment.

Dictionary.com defines authentic as - 1) not false or copied; genuine; real; 2) having an origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; verified; 3) representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified.

Given the above definition and demonstration of the use of the word, imagine my surprise when I read, in Esquire Magazine, an article entitled, “Meet One of the Most Popular Men on Tinder.” The article begins with the advice from a popular figure on Tinder who states that in the first pic of your profile, you have to be strategic about your smile. A closed mouth implies one negative thing and too wide a grin implies something else negative. The article states, regarding your smile, “Display the faintest whiff of inauthenticity and you’re done for.”

Well, wrong. Who makes up these rules? If you were actually being legitimate about it, you would display your natural smile and not some contrived version meant to send a signal that hopefully everyone knows how to interpret. And, if your eyes are your nicest feature, show them off instead. Just sayin’. Appearances have nothing to do with authenticity. You have all heard the old saying not to judge a book by its cover, and if you have ever read a book, you know that to be true. Appearance may be important as to the level of physical/sexual attractiveness, but otherwise, as they say, beauty is only skin deep.

The article then goes on to tout the wisdom of presenting a very sparse profile (4 items per category). This is fine unless you are not a sparse person and, thus, your brevity is a misleading representation of who you actually are. Suppose you are gregarious or funny or collegial or very extroverted and sparseness doesn’t really represent you? So much for realness. And if you are only allowed 4 photos, 4 interests, a 4 word bio, how credible can you really be?

Authenticity is a word that currently gets thrown around a lot. I see it on LinkedIn and in various “How to Job Hunt” articles that warn that you’d better be authentic in the process even though, as we spoke about in my previous post, you are also supposed to be a brand. And where are the official guidelines about how you do this in a resume? Honesty is a good idea. Accuracy as to your work history is a good idea. But how can you be authentic if, in your interview, you go in prepared to play the game and bury who you really are?

Or supposed you are on a date and the subject of favorite sandwich comes up. Theirs is arugula and spirulina on gluten-free Naan bread and yours is, in reality, peanut butter and sardines on white bread? Do you dare tell the truth? What happens when they find out later? If that is actually your favorite, in being true to yourself and admitting that sandwich preference, then you are way more authentic than someone who goes with the trends or goes with the politically correct foodie way to eat.

Authenticity is about self-knowledge, character, principles, and integrity. It is about knowing who you are. What you think and feel and believe. It is about the things you do and don’t do well. It is about what you like and don’t like, and the people and places you like and don’t like. It is about knowing how honest you are with yourself, about everything, all of the time. It’s about knowing what you got right, what you got wrong, where you can improve and how you can and will do better tomorrow.

Authenticity is about having and developing character. Character means having ideals that you live by – dignity: wisdom; love; courage; balance; being of service to others; virtue; loyalty; creativity; responsibility; compassion; caring; gratitude; being understanding; always being respectful of others. These are not the only examples but ideals that we seek in the living of life. We don’t ever completely master these, never completely grasp them, but we become more in seeking their bounty. Principles are the things we will and will not do in seeking those ideals. As example, as much as I may love you I will seek the ideal of never ever consciously hurting you. That doesn’t mean, if I am having a bad day or am preoccupied or whatever, that I always will be fully present with you or that I won’t forget something you asked me to do or that I won’t say something without thinking it through that is hurtful. But I will seek the ideal of never deliberately, consciously, making the choice to be hurtful to you. Character is measured by how frequently, or not, you implement your principles.

Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking, and even when it is inconvenient. Integrity is living by my ideals and my ethics and morals. Integrity is keeping my word and keeping my commitments.

Authenticity will not be found by following someone else’s rules about who and what you are supposed to be. You have to make your own rules and live by them and deal with the consequences of those rules – revising them when necessary. Authenticity will not be found in your pics on social media, in getting the buzz words right, or trying to live your life by abiding by the decrees of influencers. It will not be based on the number of social media friends or followers you have or in how many times you have been retweeted. It will be found in the depth that life calls on you to develop.

Sounds like a tall order. Right? It is. It is the work of a lifetime. Where can we begin? One the most authentic things we can do is to meet people where they are, let them be who they are, leave our judgments at home and practice being compassionate and understanding, and by being ourselves in all of our glory.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc