Dating – Part 3 - Orbiting, Holding Space & Hardballing

Did you know that Axios is reporting that dating has now been simplified to the level that a well-known, fast-causal burger chain has partnered with a well-known food delivery company to launch a temporary dating site on which to pair prospective lovers who share an affinity for the chain’s version of a buffalo chicken sandwich? “Yes, I met your mother over our shared love of fried and brown chicken breasts covered in a house-made buffalo sauce that features a tangy flavor with a lot of sweetness balanced by a hint of spice. It’s not as spicy as it can be, but the lack of heat allows you to focus on the layers of flavors, from pungent garlic to smokey paprika and a noticeably sharp tangy finish.” Oy vey. If that is the basis of a sustainable, long-term, committed relationship that has some depth – that true love can be found in the mutual exploration of layers of flavor - I’ll dance naked in Macy’s window. Dating is not about gimmicks. It is about authenticity, about which I’ve recorded a podcast and published a blog post.

So far, in this series, we’ve talked about ghosting and mosting, submarines and zombies. If one were to inventory those terms, you’d think that dating was connected to the supernatural with a slight military influence thrown in. So now, on to space terms -orbiting and holding space – with a side of effective message transmission from your space capsule. How did dating become this complicated?

Orbiting. The person that ghosts you then continues to follow you on social media and may interact with you by liking or retweeting your tweets or liking your Instagram photos or whatever. The thinking is that this is a new behavior that only started because of social media. No. It just made it easier. Depending on what they knew about you when you dated, even without social media you could have been orbited in a sense. They could know mutual friends or someone in your family and have kept close tabs on you that way. Or you somehow kept running in to them at your favorite movie theater or restaurant or store or wherever. Social media just makes keeping tabs on somebody much easier. It takes a lot less leg work.

Why would someone do this? As we’ve talked about, people have all kinds of issues when it comes to relationships. Love, intimacy, caring, vulnerability, communication, etc., are all very scary things. One of the big reasons they are unnerving is that it involves emotions – feeling them, dealing with them, knowing what to do with them. I am currently involved in an ongoing online discussion with a few folks on Twitter who preach and swear by the gospel of avoiding feelings at all costs. The best self-care you can give yourself, they say, is to stay with logic and reason through thick and thin. I can see professional relationships being based mostly on logic and reason. But how does one navigate marriage and/or parenthood, or friendship or familial connections solely from a basis of the rational when relationships of all kinds are messy and complicated? You can’t love or be loved without venturing into the waters of emotion.

We all want to be cared for. We all want and need some kind of human connection in our lives. But how well prepared are we for the “big” relationships? Lots of people aren’t emotionally prepared to know how to deal with the emotions that relationships bring up. There are no “How To” manuals. No two relationships are alike. And we can and hopefully do learn a great deal about ourselves in the process. It is a lot to take on even when you are prepared to try to navigate those waters. But suppose someone is not able to maneuver through those depths even though they really liked you and don’t want to lose contact completely. Then orbiting, though creepy, makes more sense.

The point here is that when someone demonstrates that they don’t have the capacity, for whatever reason, to go further and they don’t even have the ability to have an honest conversation about that fact, then bless them and let them go, unless they are posing a threat to you. Either engage or ignore their presence in your social media feed. Call them out if you want to. If they pose a threat, then take whatever steps you need to keep them at a distance and keep yourself safe.

Holding Space. Holding space is a term that initially came out of talk therapy. The therapist provides a safe space in which the client can be open and honest and not feel judged. And that is important. Thing is that your therapist’s office is not the only place you should be open and honest. That space, ideally, is established and held by both parties to a relationship. However, it often is up to one of the couple to provide and hold that safe space while their partner acclimates and learns to function within it.

My question is why would you have to announce to someone that you are holding space for them? Regardless of whether the activity is fun and light, or a deep conversation, or anything in between, are you not usually present with the people you are with? We all want to be seen and heard and the experience I will have, if you have been present with me, is that I will feel seen and heard, without feeling any judgment coming toward me. Now, if we are having a serious conversation, then I need to up my game a little bit and be even more focused, actively listening but also paying attention to body language, facial expressions, etc. I don’t need to offer solution or try to fix anything. But you still need to be seen and heard and met where you are and accepted and not judged.

If you are not in the space to be present with someone, then OK. Be honest about that and see if their pressing need can wait a bit or, if it is acutely important, give yourself a minute or two to get ready to be in a more present headspace. Being present is important.

“Hardballing”. The truth is that we teach others how we want to be treated. If I do not inform you about what is and is not OK in your treatment of me, then I am relying on your own sense and practice of common decency; of being respectful; and of being present. Or I am either expecting how I want you treat me to come to you in some sort of an epiphany or psychic insight, or I am willing to put up with anything you dish out. And, as we have been discussing, putting up with anything is not OK and certainly is not healthy or productive. Thus, I need to be clear withing myself and then clear with you about what I want from you and from the potential relationship we are embarking on.

Am I looking for something short-term, medium-term, or a long-term committed relationship? Do I even want a committed relationship or NSA? Do I expect or want the relationship to go somewhere in real time, in real life, or are we just pen pals online, texting, messaging, dragging out the conversation that really goes nowhere but feeds my need for attention without us ever having to actually meet? I am told that dragging out online conversations that go nowhere is called breadcrumbing. So now we are introducing baking terms into our collection of dating terms drawn from the supernatural, from space travel and from the military. But I digress.

What do I want? And does what I want mesh with what you want, at least at this point in time? Now, as we get to know one another, all that may change, certainly so. But supposedly what hardballing is about is that we are trying to make sure there are no surprises, no bs, no games, and everything is above board and transparent, another currently popular word. The potential trap here is, as we talked about in “Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick,” what I call the Pre-husband Interview - the checklist we run somebody through before we even go on a date. In trying to cover all the bases up front and making sure there are no surprises, not only will you possibly avoid the unpleasant surprises, but you will also never get the really delightful and welcomed surprises either.

By all means, set your boundaries by be clear on an on-going basis about what those boundaries are – what is and is not OK. As example, for me, sarcasm and constant witticisms wear thin very quickly. I need someone who can hold a conversation that has some depth. Don’t rush into a relationship or, once in, don’t try to rush the progress of the relationship. Let it unfold and enjoy the journey. Good communication is important. Again, is what you are looking for and what they are looking for – FWB, activity buddies, casual dating, or an openness to see where things go – in synch with one another?

Start with simple things. What are your preferred methods of communication? Text? Phone call? Email? Messenger? Video calls? What? Primarily I want to be called. Texts and other forms of written communication can be more easily misconstrued than when I hear your voice. What is the response time you expect? Communicate early on, over time, who you are, what you are looking for, what is not negotiable for you, and what you are hoping to find. But, above all, have fun with the process of discovering the mysteries of another human being.

Next time, we will talk about preparing for the dating journey.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Dating – Part 2 - Submarines & Zombies

Dating. You can speed date. You can online date. You can date smarter. Your next date can be just a swipe away. You can find your soul mate, make real connections, or immediately streamline your dating life.  As I read somewhere online, “Love is messy, but technology can be perfect.”

Wikipedia defines dating as a process “whereby two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a future intimate relationship.” It “refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible by participating in dates with the other. With the use of modern technology, people can date via telephone or computer or arrange to meet in person.” Thing is, at some point, the two people involved will have to meet in person and there’s the rub because in actual versus virtual life, as we discussed last time, dating can lead to all kinds of bad behaviors and complications.

In Part One, we talked mostly about ghosting and mosting, and why some people like dating while others, not so much. Ghosting is about someone you’ve dated or maybe just even talked to who suddenly disappears off the face of the Earth without any explanation and are never to be heard from again. It is cowardly and disrespectful behavior. Mosting includes all of the goodies contained in ghosting but in the process you get told, sometimes repeatedly, that you are all that and a bag of chips in an attempt to manipulate you and then they vanish. Good times. Right?

But wait. There’s more. You can be submarined or zombied. If you’ve been submarined, the person who ghosted you suddenly pops back up, like a submarine suddenly surfacing, in your life but you get no explanation as to why they disappeared. If you get zombied, as in they have suddenly returned from the dead, it is much the same as being submarined but you get some sort of an explanation as to why they bailed on you – work or family issue or whatever.

Just like with ghosting and/or mosting, many of us have behaved this way at some point in time. In considering why someone would submarine or zombie someone, I wonder if they pop back up to check-in to kind of verify whether they made the right decision in disappearing in the first place. You thought things were going fine and then they are gone. Maybe now they are having a weak moment and reestablish contact to ascertain that things were as they remember them and, therefore, at least in their mind, they were justified in their behavior. Or maybe they began to question their perceptions of their feelings about you or your feelings about them or how they thought the relationship was going or how you thought the relationship was going and rather than wondering if they did the right thing, they show back up to find out for themselves.

An alternative version of this might be that they realize that they’d made a mistake and want to give it another go. It might be hard for the you to ever trust them again, so, if they show up to see if maybe the relationship really could have legs, it could be a tough road to travel. But it is possible. Perhaps they were secretly hoping that you were devastated and are showing back up to see just how terrible life was for you without them. Or, especially with the mosters, they want something else from you, even if that something is just attention.

As we discussed in my post and podcast, “Being Liked as a Manipulation,” getting attention from someone puts us on equal footing. And nothing sends people over the edge like being ignored or ghosted. In their mind, if they can get you to give them attention once again, then possibly their disappearing act wasn’t really all that bad or harmful. Well, yes it was.

Are you being stalked or do they want to sit in judgment of you and your life? Or are they just fishing for details of your life out of prurient interest? Perhaps they are one of those folks for whom the grass is always greener somewhere else. If they can get you to like or date or love them, well hell, they can probably get someone even taller, prettier, younger, richer, better body, whatever, to like them. Then they find out that their newest intended ain’t all that and they resurface in your life.

The zombies will at least offer some plausible excuse. Could have been an illness or job loss that they were embarrassed about at the time or a family issue. We all have big, unforeseen problems come up at inopportune times in life, so why the secrecy? Unless they were in jail or in a coma, some sort of explanation should still have happened.

The real issues with a lot of bad dating behavior is that it tells you the perpetrator wants to believe that their actions really have/had no impact on you or on others. This is a common human delusion that we see in personal as well as professional relationships. The mistaken belief that the decisions made and the actions taken have no impact on anyone. That is nonsense. None of us live in a vacuum. And especially in a dating or friendship relation where things are so personal (versus a business decision or business relationship), things we say and do, the actions we do or don’t take, the compassion, consideration, kindness, patience, interest, shown or not shown, has impact.

Submarining and zombieing, just like ghosting and mosting, say a great deal about the person doing the activity and nothing about you if you are the one at sufferance of their bad behavior. Certainly, if someone just reappears, call them on it and set some very clear boundaries with them. You want to date a peer, someone with some maturity, not a child who thinks vanishing, with or without explanation, is the solution to the complexities of dating. If they disappeared because they have issues with love or commitment or friendship or the give-and-take of relationships or being vulnerable is a bridge too far, fine. Let them be who they are. Just make it clear they can’t act any or all their issues out in any kind of relationship with you.

In Part Three of this series, we will discuss orbiting, holding space & hardballing.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media 

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Dating – Part 1 - Ghosting, Mosting, & More

Is there anything more fraught than dating? Some of us really like it, some of us really don’t. Many people like the adventure that dating can be. That can be the most positive experience of it, in a sense. You never know who you’ll meet, the things you’ll experience, the things you’ll learn along the way. It can be a lot of fun and a rush of thrill and excitement and enthusiasm. You feel alive. However, for others of us, dating is nothing but a complete state of botheration.

The people who seem to like dating the most are the serial daters. They are always dating someone – always – though who that person is will change with some regularity. Why serial date? Perhaps they just don’t like being alone but don’t want to be tied down in a relationship. They really don’t like or don’t want commitment but enjoy the relative freedom that dating provides to enjoy someone’s company for a bit. And, if they get tired of someone after a bit, or they are not interested in taking the relationship to any level of depth, and they’ve run out of stuff to talk about or the sex has become routine, time to move on.

Now, one would think that the serial daters are mostly extroverts. Extroverts thrive on and derive energy from being around others. They like social engagement. They are certainly more outgoing and gregarious and dating is fun. However, for some of us introverts, serial dating works really well. Introverts are not all hermits. We like but limit social engagement, so dating someone casually, over time, may meet our socialization needs.

Then there are the good folks who really just don’t like dating. For some of us, dating is a pain in the foot, and we’d just rather go ahead and get to the relationship part of it. In my blog post and podcast episode, “Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick,” we talk about the Pre-Husband Interview. It is the checklist that they run somebody through to make sure they really are potential husband material because, if they’re not, then why waste the time. Right? Do they like - this movie, this kind of food, this music or recording artist, this sport, this hobby, this video game? Do they have the right answers about friends, family, politics, kids, religion, places they want to travel, and can they cook? If it all checks out, let’s add some bodily fluids, stir, and Bingo, we’ve got a relationship.

Other people don’t like dating because it is too much work and mess. “I don’t want to get involved with anybody and their stuff. Just leave me in peace because I don’t have the energy or interest or desire or wherewithal to put up with all that. I don’t have the time and/or the patience to do the work that goes into building a relationship over time. I’ve got my own stuff to deal with, so, thank you no. I just don’t need the drama.”

Most of us fall somewhere between those extremes. And as we find out, humans can display some really bad behaviors when it comes to dating.  Relationships, whether that relationship is with self or others, are very often what people use to make themselves nuts and then they come for counseling. But I digress. Dating can and does – not always – cause some really bad behavior. There are some new terms out there about some of these bad behaviors but, in truth, these new buzzwords are really about some very old behaviors. So, let’s have a look at some of this nonsense.

Ghosting. We have all been the ghoster, as well as the ghostee. Some people want to blame this on social media and dating apps. I think the truth here is that social media and dating apps made it easier for people to communicate with others about it and thus the knowledge and subsequent conversations about it became more widespread but ghosting has certainly been around a lot longer than even the telephone. As long as humans have been physically mobile, the potential hazard of being ghosted has been there. It is cowardly behavior and it is irresponsible.

It hurts when we are the ghostee. We have no idea what we said or did, or didn’t say or do, if anything, that caused the disappearance. We get no explanation, no closure. The truth is that if someone you are dating just suddenly disappears, once the sting wears off, consider yourself well rid of them. Because if someone either lacks the courage or the respect to have a conversation with you before going their merry way without you, it begs the question - Why would you want someone that gutless or that disrespectful in your life? Relationships need attention and honest communication from the get-go, not just after you’ve reached some artificial line of demarcation like – “We’re going steady now, so we will start bringing communication to the relationship pronto.” No.

Also, for someone to not even extend the courtesy or the decency of some form of communication rather than just discarding you as if you and your feelings don’t matter is not OK. No point in being in any kind of relationship with someone who has no respect for you. (Please see my blog post about Self-Respect.) And, further, when someone behaves this way, they are telling you something important and not very attractive about themselves. Maybe it is all just a game to them. My response to those people is – If you want to play games, go to the Walmart toy section. There are all kinds of reasons ghosters will tell themselves as to why it is OK to ghost you. However, if you are the ghoster, think about what your behavior says about you. Just saying.

Mosting. This goes on online, on dating apps and social media, as well as in person. This can happen from the very start or develop over a short period of time. The person you are potentially interested in starts laying on the compliments. You get all kinds of praise about how you are all that and a bag of chips. That has always been a red flag for me when I am first meeting someone and they start in with how hot I am or how nice I am or how much we have in common or all the things they’d like us to do together, or whatever.

I published a blog post recently entitled, “Being Liked as a Manipulation.” There I focused mostly on the workplace and touched on personal situations. But whether work or personal, when someone, who you have either just met or are in the process of getting to know, starts laying it on, beware. My take is that they are certainly looking to see if they can convince you to like them. We all need some positive reinforcement from others. But in this case, the reason and the methodology they are using to “get” you to like them is not truth-based. They want something from you – attention, sex, to keep them company at night, or go with them to some event. Or it is just the way they roll.

I had a roommate years ago who prided himself on how smart he was because he could manipulate others into doing what he wanted. He felt that if he got away with it, it made him so much smarter than his intended victim because they fell for it or appeared to. Here is the problem. Most people know – either consciously of subconsciously – when they are being manipulated. It just feels icky. You know what they are doing on some level. Now, sometimes we go along for a minute to see where they are going with it or we feel gratified by it as someone is finally seeing how wonderful we are. Or, we know we are being set up and walk away.

Here again, their behavior tells you a lot about them. Children as young as 2 or 3 years old try to manipulate their parents or care givers into giving them what they want as they have not learned yet how to ask for what they want. Or they have learned from previous responses that if they are persistent enough, they eventually get what they want. Ever notice that many times, once they get what they want, they don’t want it anymore. It was more important for them to see if they could do it rather than actually having what it is they say they want. “Oh, I’ve manipulated you into liking me and thinking that I am worth have a relationship with. Perfect. Got the emotional hit I needed. Time to go. Next.” And then you get ghosted. Compliments, praise, etc., need to be genuine. When they are coming fast and furious from someone you have just met or from someone you are just getting to know, whether this is happening in person or in cyberspace, as the robot says on Lost in Space, “Danger Will Robinson. Danger.”

Ghosting and mosting may also be signs of someone who has trouble with intimacy, vulnerability, trusting love, honesty, communication, etc. And there is always the temptation to think that if I love them enough, they will see the light and heal or change. That happens a lot in the movies especially. However, relationships are not about saving someone else or healing someone else’s problems because what happens, too often, is that you end up sacrificing your own well-being in trying to do so.

The point is that if you are ghosted or mosted, it doesn’t say anything about you. It does say a great deal about the person doing it. Your time and attention have value and when you give those to someone, they hopefully have the capacity to appreciate what they are being given. So do not fret, if someone behaves like this, be grateful you’re finding out about them now, even if it stings in the short run.

Next time we will talk about being orbited, being submarined, holding space, hardballing and the primacy of communication. In Part 3, we will talk about somethings to help prepare you for the journey that dating can be. And we will talk about purpose.

© 2022   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media 

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Attention vs Affection

Attention and affection are both very important needs but they are different. Be clear as to which you are seeking and why.

Attention is a big deal. It is in the giving and receiving of attention that we become equal in one another’s eyes. If I pay attention to you or you to me, that means we have decided that this person is worth the time and effort and acknowledgment that attention provides. Nothing drives people up a wall faster than being ignored. It is certainly one of my pet peeves. There is an eyeglass store in Midtown Atlanta that has been in its location for a number of years now. Every time I have been in that store, none of the sales people have ever bothered to acknowledge my existence. Doesn’t matter how I am dressed, the time of day, nor the placement of the stars in the heavens.

We all want attention. We all seek attention. Why? Because it provides a sort of validation from others that in their eyes, we are worth them paying attention to. And as you have seen, in our current world, it seems like everyone is seeking to stand out and garner, and in many cases monetize the attention, recognition and validation they are getting, mostly via social media. Others use social media to hookup. They want the attention that provides, as long as it is “no strings attached” but the minute emotion, affection enters the picture, they move on despite the fact that what they are most likely seeking on a deeper level, is true affection.

Conversely, others of us, mostly us introverts, do not like attention or being in the spotlight. For many years I actively practiced hiding in plain sight and am still quite adept at being invisible, especially in a crowded room, in contrast to the people who strive to be the center of attention. They feed off the energy that the attention provides them, whereas for me, I find it exhausting after a while. I prefer operating quietly, behind the scenes, and am very effective in that role of making things happen without it having to be all about me. We shun the spotlight but that does not mean we shun accomplishment.

But regardless of whether you are a person who actively seeks attention, or welcomes it in limited quantities on occasion, or you do your best to avoid it, it is always – ALWAYS – useful to look at what you pay attention to in your life. The things you feed your attention to tend to grow and the things/people/places/activities we withhold attention from tend to wither and fall away in our lives. Do you only give attention to getting more and more attention or do you give attention, for example, to things like the important relationships in your life? Hard to do when you are constantly giving your attention to your phone. Just sayin’.

Do you give attention to needs like what makes you feel safe and secure in life – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually? Do you give attention to generating a real sense of self-esteem from within or do you get caught in the insatiable and impossible task of seeking it from others?  Do you pay attention to your need to be really creative – rather than just pumping out content to stay relevant on social media? Do you give attention to creating and producing substantive accomplishments or are you relying on whatever captures your attention at the time? Needless to say, attention to self and one’s deeper needs like self-esteem, like being creative and being productive, is not only important but is paramount. Those deeper needs do not go away even when we get the dopamine hit that momentary attention provides.

We all need love and happiness; and passion and compassion; and hope and trust; and the thrill, the eagerness, excitement, the enthusiasm of just being alive. We also want to feel optimistic about our lives and need and want a sense of well-being. Do we pay attention to the primacy of those needs within ourselves and seek to meet them or do we focus our attention solely on the hit of a response to a text message?

The things we pay attention to are often what we manifest in our lives. So it is useful to inventory and review the things we feed with our attention. The things we feed with our attention often become habituated. Do you feed your hope or your cynicism, for example? Do you feed competitiveness, your jealousies, your grudges, your feelings of being unappreciated? Or do you feed joy and love and friendship and fun?

Attention seeking is also a way to try to staunch the pain, frustration and even despair of loneliness. As connected as we all are, there is a lot of loneliness out there in our world and that loneliness will not be assuaged by surface level connection. The worst loneliness is being lonely in a loving relationship or even when surrounded by friends. I have long referred to it as the howl of loneliness wherein the sense of isolation and alienation and even despair can be so overwhelming that there seems no way out. Many of us have all felt, at one time or another in our lives, that unanswered and unanswerable howl.

I have a column planned on the subject of loneliness as it is a big subject, just as is attention. But one of the surest symptoms of loneliness is becoming consumed with being superficially popular. That driving need to be popular, having lots and lots of superficial friends and acquaintances but none of those relationships having any depth or substance. How many people do you know who make no distinction between acquaintances and real friends? Real friends – the people who will drop everything and be there – good times and bad – when you need and/or want them there. Ask Dickens wrote in Nicholas Nickleby, “Family not only need to consist of merely those whom we share blood, but also for those whom we’d give blood.”

The need for attention and the desire to staunch the howl of loneliness often replaces, for many, the real need of affection. The withdrawal of affection or, even worse, the absence of affection from those we love or care about threatens to leave us lonely and alone. And that loss or absence of affection causes pain, real mental, emotional and spiritual pain. The Dalai Lama said, “We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”

We all need affection and that need for genuine affection is something worth paying attention to. Our friends at Oxford Languages via Google say that affection is “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.” If you look at the many definitions of affection available online, fondness is one of the most common words used in relation to describing what affection is. Merriam-Webster.com also defines affection as, “a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something.” We all want to be liked and cared for and have people feel fond of us. Yes, love is also included in affection but it need not be what we feel to feel affectionate toward someone. “Affectionate attachment” is another term found commonly.

There are all kinds of ways to express or give affection. Physically things like cuddling, holding hands, hugging, etc. Words of affirmation; acts of service; receiving gifts; quality time; and physical touch are commonly associated with ways affection is shown or given. These five things are often associated with what has come to be called the languages of love but they are ways of expressing and receiving affection.

It is an important need. Yet do we pay any attention to giving affection to ourselves or is it always better if someone else gives it to us? How do we give ourselves any affirmation about who we are and what we do and accomplish and who we are becoming? What acts of service do we provide for ourselves or do we tend to treat ourselves in a very utilitarian manner? What do we give of ourselves, to ourselves, like our humor, compassion, intellect, patience? Can we spend quality time alone with ourselves or would we rather chew glass than be alone with ourselves? When was the last time you made yourself laugh because you thought of something funny that only you would understand?

Too often in our current world people substitute and settle for attention, any kind of attention, any port in a storm, rather than seek and cultivate real affection from themselves and from others. Attention, as discussed above, is valuable and essential in our lives but it will not replace the genuine need for affection. Affection, like trust, is something that grows and is earned over time. There is no easy or quick fix to meeting that need. So, by all means, grab all the attention you think or feel you need and want but be careful about thinking it will meet the deeper and more important need of genuine affection.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

The Hydra Head of COVID

According to Greek mythology, the Hydra is a nine-headed gigantic water-snake-like monster.  Like the Hydra, there have been many faces to the impact COVID has had on people. For some it has been as traumatic as losing a loved one. For others, outside of being a major inconvenience, it really hasn’t that bad. During these troubling and challenging times, Hercules has not been available to come and rescue us from this monster. We’ve been thrown back onto our own resources to save ourselves.

For people who are more introverted like me, in many ways, it has been an unexpected gift of time. The exile imposed by COVID allowed me time to read, think, meditate, reflect and enjoy the peace that came with the slowing down of the outside world. That said, I was not immune to the fact that life as we all knew it had come to a screeching halt and that all of our heartfelt desires for life to return to return to normal as soon as possible were not going to be answered. And in the course of the last 20 months, my life has changed, and I have changed profoundly in ways that I could neither have foreseen nor imagined.

For the more extroverted among us who thrive on social interaction and get energized by being around others and engaging in out-of-the-house activities, it has been a tough time. Unable to safely and freely move about and be on the go, separated from the touch of friends and loved ones, missing favorite activities, having to find new ways to have fun and connect, has been more difficult. Some have slipped into depression. Others have felt hopeless or helpless or even a sense of despair. Some have gotten very angry. That anger has shown itself in a variety of ways. Angry at politicians. Angry at those who sought to protect themselves by wearing masks. Angry about getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about others getting or not getting the vaccines. Angry about businesses shutting down. Angry that life as we had known it has gone away.

Life has changed. Many of us would like to say that it was all the result of COVID but many of the changes in our world have been brewing for a long time. In our world, old structures - whether that be media, healthcare, politics, education, international relations, supply chains, alliances, etc. – have and are breaking down and we don’t yet have the new structures to replace the old. In some cases these changes are coming slowly and in other cases coming more rapidly. Some changes are more subtle than others but the old ways, the old traditions of how we thought our world worked or was supposed to work, are breaking down. Order will eventually emerge from the chaos but right now we don’t know what that world will look like and that is bringing up a lot of fear and anxiety and stress in people. COVID added to all that.

Many people felt that they and/or their world was in crisis. The demands made on them - to help stop the spread, to stay home, to give up many of life’s pleasures - were coming too quickly; changes too fast to process; their normal routine, their daily routine had been disrupted and things just weren’t working the way they were supposed to. But we did what we needed to do – we established new routines; processed the changes one step at a time; and we handled the new demands coming from every facet of life as best we could. And this was easier for some than for others. Humans don’t really like change.

Many of us ran into the fact that just because something had worked in the past – job, relationship, hobby, perspectives, goals – did not mean that it would continue to work. Things that we had taken for granted could no longer be taken for granted. Our health, our safety, our survival, our relationships, the things that brought us joy, even our ability to purchase paper towels could no longer be counted on in quite the same way. Spouses and or families having to spend real time together. For some, the increased contact only strengthened the already existing closeness and bonds. Other found themselves looking at loved ones and wondering, “Who are you?”

Many people discovered a desire to not constantly be tied into work and wanting more of a work/life balance. Wanting more flexibility in work schedules. Tired of missing their kids grow up. Quality of life becoming more important than living by arbitrary rules imposed by the workplace. This Hydra-head occasioned the re-prioritizing of life.

Some people found new or alternative or additional ways to make money and survive. Some moved to new places – whether out of choice or by necessity. Many are currently seeking new jobs. That may be for better working conditions, better money, better living conditions or just something new to do as they have become bored and restless.

Having been locked down in our houses for so long, it has been interesting to see people emerge with the drive to be seen and heard. When I was younger, sequins, flashy, sparkly dress was something that was reserved for a very dressy or formal occasion. Now everything glitters, including bedroom shoes – which have moved from the bedroom to everyday footwear. Bling has become de rigueur. Informality in dress and appearance has also become more commonplace. So, in some senses, COVID has changed the way we present ourselves to others as we re-emerge.

COVID also forced people to deal with themselves and then those close to them in ways that they could have avoided before. In the busyness of life, I can keep myself distracted from dealing with me. When I am stuck at home with not a lot to do, eventually binging my fave TV shows, eating, playing with the dog, etc., only will go so far. And then the things like that vague unease you have been feeling starts knocking at the inside of your head. Some people began to rethink what really matters and what is important to them. Others began running into the aspects of themselves that didn’t work for them anymore. Some began to realize how stale their lives had become.

Some began to look at the relationships in their lives and whether they were still important or past their expiration date. The people we cherished and longed for. The touches, the hugs, the warmth of their presence that we so desperately missed but had previously taken for granted. In other cases, people began to get on our nerves – like our spouse or friends who disrupt our equanimity or relatives who we kept in touch with out of a sense of duty and obligation. Nothing was immune from review. In certain cases, we clearly saw what and who we treasured and why, and in other cases, we saw what we had outgrown – people, habits, ways of living our lives.

Others began to dream new dreams and have different hopes and goals. Some went back to school or learned new things from a variety of available resources. Others took on new projects that they had not had the time for before like finally repainting the kitchen or remodeling a room.

We can’t begin to cover all the changes COVID has wrought in the world. COVID, in many senses, made us all realize that we’ve been going with what we know or knew to be good and true and right for us in life, at least up until the pandemic. Nevertheless, for so many of us, it forced us to come face-to-face with – Is this all there is? What now? What’s next? Do I want something more or new or different? Do I deserve more or new or different? Do I dare ask for that? The answer is always, “Yes.”

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick

The 1959 Broadway musical Gypsy was based on the memoir of Gypsy Rose Lee, a burlesque entertainer known for, among other things, her striptease act. The show was turned into a movie and one of the numbers that I loved in the movie was the song, “You Gotta Have A Gimmick.” Three strippers tell Louise that you don’t need talent to be a stripper. What you need is a gimmick. “You gotta get a gimmick if you want to get ahead.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkO4Ae2gPsQ

Human history is ripe with people in pursuit of the magick bullet or quick fix that will solve all of their problems and, if God is really good, make them rich as well, with as little effort as possible. The human desire to get rich quick has evidently been with us since at least biblical times. Proverbs 13:11 as quoted in the New American Standard Bible says, “Wealth obtained from nothing dwindles, But one who gathers by labor increases it.” So this human drive has been with us for quite some time.

I started thinking about gimmicks again while I was watching the recent documentary about WeWork on Hulu. Social media and technology are the latest scheme that is supposed to make us rich quickly and deliver us to the Promised Land. Tech was supposed to help us pull out of the Great Recession. WeWork defined itself as a co-working community that was created for small businesses, entrepreneurs and freelancers with the idea that people in that communal community would almost be forced to help one another and in so doing, not only rebel against the office culture of the 80s and 90s but change the way people work and redefine success. Their words, not mine. Kind of a tall order given the research that shows open offices actually decrease creativity and productivity.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have been in WeWork and like it, the free kombucha kegs on every floor notwithstanding. The short and dirty version of the story is the venture capital people saw it as a way to make a lot of money quick, threw enormous amounts of money at the company, all of which was mismanaged and, like they say, the rest is history. My point is, instead of slow steady grow and planning, they went for the quick and easy, all in the name of changing the world and lots of money. Now, while the argument can be made that a few tech companies have changed the word, Apple, Google, FB, etc., the overwhelming majority of companies have not. And, how many app developers in WeWork spaces do we really need or can the world absorb?

Also, we are told, that Millennials want a calling, not just a job or a career. Here is the thing. You are called to a calling, you don’t go out and find it. It will find you, come to you, and not let you go. I had a friend years ago who used to go to Become a Shaman School. In the course of a few weekends or whatever the training timeframe was, you were taught to be a shaman. I think not. Wikipedia defines Shamanism as “a religious practice that involves a practitioner who is believed to interact with a spirit world through altered states of consciousness, such as trance. The goal of this is usually to direct these spirits or spiritual energies into the physical world, for healing or another purpose.” Shamans are thought to not only be able to see beyond the veils but to walk between the veils that separate different levels of reality. I am not doubting shamanism at all. I am doubting you’ll learn that level of enlightenment over a few weekends. And if you are to be a shaman, you will be called and you will know it. And the preparation will take years and will not be a day at the beach. No path of spiritual development is.

Want instant relationship? Swipe right and find true love. Do the personality test and get matched to your soulmate. Gay guys love what I call the Pre-husband Interview. The checklist that they run somebody through before they even go on a date. Do you like - this movie, this kind of food, this music or recording artist, this sport, this hobby, this video games. Do they have the right answers about friends, family, politics, kids, religion, places they want to travel and can they cook? If it all checks out, now we can go on a date. The fly in that ointment is that first you must do the hard work of developing a relationship with yourself.

Our politics have become a shrine to dogma and talking points. Lots of righteous blame and anger on both sides. But no matter how many times Bernie says, “If you have to steal an election to win it, you are a coward,” true as that is, it won’t fix the voter suppression and gerrymandering that has become commonplace.

Want to be healthy? All you’ve got to do is eat spirulina plankton and radishes. Want to be spiritual? Become vegan, even though veganism is a diet not a spiritual path. Want to avoid disease? Take Vitamin D and your problems will be solved. Groupon tells me true health will be mine when I have my vagina steamed.

The ATSs – the applicant tracking systems – that reject 75% of job applicants, supposedly because they don’t contain the right words. But there is not a National Resume Bureau from which to get the list of the “right” words. And nobody wants to do the hard work of actually having to read a resume.

The endless apps that we must have that are supposed to conduct and manage our lives for us. The apps that keep track of how long each individual egg has been in your smart refrigerator. Coloring book apps for your phone in case you don’t have enough else to do. How about the human to animal translator app? How about one of the apps that measures how high in the air you can throw you phone? Then there is the app that lets you stream your conversations and crowdsource them by bringing a group of your friends or strangers along to listen in and assist you. If you don’t know what to say on a date, a meeting, or any other situation – just let some other people help you.

Love, relationships, the environment, politics, work, spiritual development, personal development – becoming authentic, being a good person - raising children, education, and more are all substantive, complex, complicated subjects. They all need serious attention with intention to move forward with them. Contrary to the most earnest human desire for the magic bullet, the gimmick that will fix it all instantaneously, there is no such thing. The only way out is through. We are here to learn. Life and learning is a process. We must do the long, slow steady work it takes in any area of life to see and produce substantive results. So the next time you have a desire to start flipping houses, remembering the Great Recession. The next time somebody tells you the way become enlightened is sell everything and move to Machu Picchu, remember you don’t speak Spanish. The next time you think, “Yeah, that’s the ticket,” please know that it probably isn’t the ticket to anywhere you actually want to go.

© 2021   Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

Carrying a Grudge

One of my all-time favorite refrigerator magnets is that of a well- dressed woman in evening clothes saying, “I would say my biggest strength is my ability to hold a grudge until the day I die.” (www.ephemera-inc.com) Makes me think of my maternal grandmother, whom I worshipped. She was famous for carrying grudges forever. Both of my parents were only children so any close family went back to aunts and uncles of my grandparents’ generation. I know very little about any of them because, for whatever reason, especially regarding my mother’s family, we didn’t talk to them – for decades. Why? Because my grandmother had a grudge against them that was carried as a badge of honor.

We all know people who carry grudges. We have all been guilty of it at some point in our lives. Why do we carry them? Because we believe that if we forgive the infraction that has precipitated the grievance, that doing so makes it alright. And we are bound and determined that it is never going to be alright. Ever. So forgiving it is not an option on the table.

But forgiving doesn’t mean that whatever happened is now OK. It’s not. But holding onto a resentment, feeling animosity, because of something that happened in the past keeps us locked in that past. Every time we think of it, we have to remind ourselves of what happened and feel those feelings all over again and again and again. It is almost as if we are punishing ourselves by making ourselves feel that bad once more.

Now, I am not talking about experiences like abuse of some sort, or when someone does something that has serious negative consequences for you, a loved one, your family or your life. I mean the more venal sins rather than the mortal ones. Someone says something untoward that you don’t like or agree with or that hurts you feelings. Someone blames you or a loved one for something that you had nothing to do with. They refuse to take responsibility for something they clearly need to. Someone tries to manipulate you or actually succeeds in manipulating you. Someone betrays a secret confidence or gossips about you behind your back. And you will be damned if you will forgive whatever it was.

Forgiving, as already stated, does not make what happened OK. It may never be OK, especially depending on the severity of the impact of the misdeed. But it does begin to let you off the hook. Think about it this way. The person who spends the most time in jail is the warden. Prisoners come and go over time but the warden is always there. Forgiving lets you out of prison. “Well, what about them? What about what they did? There should be consequences for them.”

You don’t have to forgive the what, but to let yourself out of prison, forgive the why. Why did they do what they did? You may know exactly why they did what they did. They always look for someone else to blame. They always like to feel sorry for themselves and try to manipulate others into feeling sorry for them as well. Or they never take responsibility for anything. Or they have this compulsive need to always be right. Or maybe, if they admit they have made a mistake, in their own mind, they are admitting that they are a mistake, and that is too hurtful for them to process. Or they just can’t resist gossip. They know it is wrong and destructive but they just can’t resist the siren’s call. Or you may never know exactly why they did what they did. Nevertheless, you can forgive the why.

Also, forgive yourself, as well, for it happening in your life, rather than an endless litany of self-recriminations. “I should have known when I looked into their beady little eyes that I should never had trusted them or been their friend or whatever.”

One other thing to keep in mind, are you sure they know why you hold this grudge? Are they really aware of their deeply felt offense? For example, maybe they were drunk when they did or said something that humiliated you and they don’t remember. Doesn’t make it alright. They are still responsible for their behavior and their actions.

Now the what. No. You don’t have to forgive that but you don’t have to keep reminding yourself of it either. Doesn’t mean you are going to kiss and make up. Doesn’t mean now you can go back to being besties. You can still walk away from them. They may not be someone you want in your life. They have been hurtful. They have shattered your trust. They have shown no compassion or remorse. This is not someone that you have to keep in your life. The glory is that by forgiving the why, you get to stop reliving it, walk away from it and be free of it.

Yes, there will still be times when friends or family or a store clerk or whomever pushes your buttons and it sends you into a fit of pique where you are mad as a wet hen. Someone crosses the line of one of your pet peeves and now they are going to be sorry. No one is asking you to become a saint. And yes, forgiveness is a much bigger topic than what is being addressed here but this is a good place to start.

Think about some of the things you have been holding on to that are well past their expiration date. Take some time with this. This is not about the clerk at the deli counter being short with you. When you find something of substance that you are willing to forgive and let go of and have thought about it, then, how do you feel about it? Angry? Hurt? Scared? Self-blame? A sense of loneliness or betrayal? These feelings could impede the forgiveness process if not recognized and acknowledged, processed and released. Listen to the parts of you that don’t want to forgive. There may be a part of you that feels forgiveness is weak. There may be a part of you that tells you that you don’t need to forgive. Pay attention to this process. The goal is to understand what you think and feel here.

Next step is to look at what can I learn from this? Beside the reason of wanting to let yourself out of prison, what can I learn about myself in this process? What lesson(s) can I take from this? And then forgive the why. Once the why is forgiven, you don’t have to have those feelings of anger or hurt or fear or self-blame around this issue any longer. You can now reclaim some of your power and strength and love and that was lost by holding on to not forgiving. But above all, you can be free.

© 2021 Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

But, But, I Trusted You

Photo 91623375 © Romolo Tavani | Dreamstime.com

How do you know if you can trust someone? Most of us think of it as a leap of faith. “Well, I’ll take a chance.” So we make the leap. Sometimes our trust is rewarded and sometimes it isn’t. And when it isn’t we feel betrayed, disappointed, hurt, angry. “But I trusted you.” And then you blame either them or you or both.

Trust is actually something way more practical. Do someone’s actions match their words? When someone says that they will attend an event with you but then “something” always comes up, do you continue to trust their words or past actions? When someone says that they can keep one of your secrets but they are forever telling you other peoples’ secrets, can you trust them to keep yours? If a friend swears that this time they will be on time for a concert, a movie, dinner, whatever, do you trust their past track record of behavior or what they are telling you now? That doesn’t mean you are not willing to be pleasantly surprised if they actually do show up on time but what are the odds?

If you go out with someone and they check their phone constantly, do you still trust them to be considerate and attentive? If every time you have a disagreement or fight with a friend or family member or significant other and they always go for the jugular and then tell you that it is your fault because they have told you not to make them mad, is this someone you should trust?

If someone tells you, “Listen, I gotta be honest here . . .,” the question isn’t should you trust what they are telling you now, but if they are being honest now, have they not been previously? If every time you go out with someone and they spend the night attention seeking or flirting or cruising the room, are you going to trust them to keep commitments such as fidelity – mental and emotional, not just physical – to you?

This also applies to self. Do you keep your word? Your promises? Or do you only do so when it is convenient? Do you keep confidences or is the allure of gossip too strong to resist? Do you keep your promises to yourself regarding your goals, you hopes, living by your principles like honesty and integrity (two components of self-esteem), your commitments to yourself? Are you the good friend, sibling, partner, you say you are or only when you have time?

You know yourself and your patterns and you know others and their patterns of behavior. It doesn’t take a lot of analysis or special powers of intuition. It only takes the power of observation regarding others and the power of honesty regarding yourself. Are you trustworthy with yourself? That will also impact your process and ability of trusting others. Do you say what you mean and do what you say? It is really that simple and that practical. Maybe not always easy or convenient but it is that simple.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, good.

If you don’t trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are trustworthy, not good.

If you trust someone who has demonstrated over time through their behavior that they are not trustworthy, not good.

All this to say that it doesn’t mean trust will never be broken by someone who you appropriately trusted. But the odds are much slimmer. And if and when that happens, that is on them for a poor choice or series of choices they made and not a reflection on you.

It doesn’t need to be more complicated than that. It starts with you. Are you trustworthy? Can you trust you?

© 2021 Living Skills, Inc. All rights reserved in all media.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc