Dignity is valuing yourself and valuing others. If you do a Google search, it will tell you that it means being valued and respected for what you are, what you believe in, and how you live your life. It means treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves – which is basically the Golden Rule of “do unto others . . .”

Dignity has several components. Value is primary but dignity also includes character and integrity; your personal framework of memory and myth; your personal dreams and visions; and freedom. In our current world, too many are seeking to strip others of their dignity and that is a contributing factor in the breakdown of civility and communication in our society. We often won’t take the time to talk with, much less understand, those who we have deemed unworthy of being valued and respected for who they are, what they believe in, and how they live their lives.

In other blog posts we have talked a great deal about valuing ourselves and others. It begins with self-awareness - knowing our needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, the choices we make and why, and more. And while the hopes, dreams, needs, wants, of others are more than likely are very different than ours, it doesn’t make those things any less valuable. When you deny or dismiss the value those things, you strip away some dignity.

Beyond self-awareness, value also includes self-confidence and self-self-love. Self-confidence is knowing that you can cope with whatever life throws at you – both good and bad. We all have different coping mechanisms and different ways of evaluating whether we feel prepared to cope with life. We are all impacted by different things in our own unique way. What may be devastating to one of us might just roll off the back of others of us. What we cannot do is undermine peoples’ coping mechanisms by insisting that they see things or react or deal with things in the way we think they should or as we would. Doing so would undermine their sense of self-confidence.

Self-love is also part of value. When we learn to love ourselves, we are more likely to recognize our own value and, thus, the value of others and the value of the loving relationships they have in their lives.

We won’t go into self-respect here as there is an entire blog post and podcast devoted to that subject that is available to you.

When we deny or refuse to see and respect the needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams, goals, beliefs, choices, self-respect, self-love and self-confidence, in others, we are stripping them of dignity. And that is not OK.

Character is an important part of dignity. Character and integrity go together. As we discussed when we talked about authenticity, character is about living by our ideals and principles like honesty, compassion, caring, morals, ethics, being responsible, never deliberately being hurtful to others, etc. The measure of our character is how often and how successfully we live by our principles. Integrity is doing the right thing because it is the right thing to do, even when no one is looking. Integrity is keeping our word and keeping our commitments.

When we disparage or disregard or harshly judge the character and integrity of people we know nothing about, we are blinding ourselves to their dignity. We cannot make any kind of value judgment about the character and integrity of anyone based on their appearance or gossip we have heard about them, much less based on some assumption that we have made about them. When we treat others from a place wherein we are not living by our own character and integrity or when we make negative assumptions about anyone’s character or integrity, we turn our backs on dignity.

Also, we all have our own framework of memory and myths. Even if you and I and a friend of ours all went to the same concert or party, all three of us would remember the event differently. We would certainly all remember some of the same things but there would be no absolutely correct version of our memories. So it goes with all of us. Often we remember things from our childhood differently than our parents. A big shock for many as an adult is when they find out that a memory that they have held onto since childhood that was a defining moment for them, their parents have no recall of it ever happening. My point is we all have a storehouse of memories that shape and mold us – our perceptions, our perspectives, our ways of coming at the world and our ways of being in the world. And, over time, we let go of some memories and replace them with newer and more important memories – both good and bad. But everyone’s storehouse of memory is exclusive only to them. We don’t get to judge their memories. We only get to try to understand them and the impact they have had or continue to have. And refusing to respect that the memories that have shaped someone else, that are more than likely very different from your lived experience, cheats them of respect and dignity.

Further, we all have our own personal framework of myths. Most people think of myths as nice stories like fairy tales. Myths are stories but not fairy tales and certainly not fiction. Myths have been used throughout history to explain where we came from, how we got here, and the origin of our people or tribe, our customs, our beliefs, our rituals as a society or as a people. Myths are also instructional. They explain how to approach life or make it through life in a variety of situations. They are archetypal in that sense. This or that myth explains how we should do this or get through that challenge in life or how to make good decisions or do the right thing. Many are about how to avoid the traps that life can set for us.

We all have a set of stories that we tell ourselves about the ways the world works and about how life works and about how we have to approach life and the people in it. Those myths that we live by are informed by the memories we hold, the experiences we have, as well as the beliefs we have come to trust. This is the way life or relationships work and that is just the way it is for us, at least until we decide to change. This is why, as the old wise saying goes, “You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” You have no idea of the memories and personal myths that have come to form them as they are because those experiences and memories and strategies of getting through life are so personal and so singular to each and every one of us.

We all also have our own dreams and visions for our life. The things we want to accomplish and experience. Where we see ourselves as our life progresses. The life we want to live. And freedom is about the freedom to be and become whomever we want to be, unencumbered by the judgments or obstacles placed on our path by others.

When you encounter someone who doesn’t think like you, look like you, dress like you, worship like you, eat the same things you do, like the same music or movies that you do, remember it is their personal value made up of self-awareness, self-love, self-confidence, self-respect; their character and integrity, their myths and memories; their dreams and visions for their own lives; and their God-given freedom to be and become whomever they want; that has produced the person you are encountering. You do not get to judge them or their process. As we said above, dignity is about treating others the way we'd like to be treated ourselves and nobody likes being judged unfairly or deemed less than others.

There are a lot of problems in the world right now and to begin to fix them, we are going to need all hands on deck. And in order for us to do that we are going to need to begin respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity. No, not everybody is going to be just like you nor should they be. A society of the Borg would be a horrible place to live. But as we once again learn to and practice respecting and honoring one another’s inherent dignity, the good news is you are going to meet some amazing people along the way. And as we learn to work together, so will come quite literally, our salvation.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc

An abbreviated version of Branding & Self-Image was printed in the June 6, 2021 issue of Georgia Voice

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For more than 10 years, it has become a “thing” to think about and talk about oneself as a brand. You are encouraged to protect your brand and grow your brand and promote your brand, especially in regard to business relationships. I bring my brand and its services to your business, and I expect us to be on a more or less equal footing.

In addition to this being total bs, I find it deeply offensive and unhealthy.

Brands refer to things like the brand of toothpaste you use or the mayonnaise you like. And when you are done with it, you throw out the old tube or jar and go buy a new one. Humans are neither disposable nor interchangeable. Humans are not things. We are complex, sentient beings and each of us is unique and multi-faceted. We are not a thing engaged in a series of transactions. The idea that all interactions are transactional, that we are each supposed to “get” something out of the transaction each and every time precludes the higher parts of our nature like altruism, compassion, understanding, caring, intimacy, even love.

Back in the late 80s and early 90s we heard the idea that, especially in personal relationships, we were to become the right kind of product that “people would want to take off of the shelf.” Become the right product and you will succeed. People will want you. You’ll find the relationship or job you are looking for.

I like the products I buy at the store. Whether bagged lettuce, nice shirts, comfy shoes, or sliced deli, I like and use certain products regularly. Is that the way I would want myself to be treated? A bought and paid for product that is then used by the purchaser however they see fit? “I got someone to take me off the shelf.” Well, that’s nice. Did you get to have any input into the transaction? Did it work out well? The problem herein is that people begin twisting and distorting who they are, or completely losing who they are, in order to be the “right” product or the right brand. Who sets these rules? When it comes to what the “right” product is, everybody will never all like or want the same thing(s). Right? Nevertheless, I am willing to lose myself to become a desired product.

The right product/brand wears the right clothes, goes to the right places, knows the right people, watches the right TV shows, likes the right music, and has the right kind of thinking, whatever. No dissent or divergence or diversity of thought is tolerated. The danger here is that these things that we are supposed to do and be begin to warp our self-image. “Well, I’m a yoga pants wearing, paradigm-aware, synergy of best practices augmented and informed by my core competencies.”

Heinz is a brand of ketchup. Tide is a brand of clothes detergent. Dial is a brand of soap. A brand is nothing more than the name of the maker of a product. The product has a very specific use but no matter how good the ketchup or the all-beef franks or the paper towels are, they are objects, things, and once used or consumed, I move on. Is this how you want the relationships in your life to be?

My identity – what I do, what I say, what I think and what I feel. If my identity is that of a product or brand, then I am focusing only on what I need to do or be to please other people – professionally or personally. What this leaves out are important questions like - Who are you? What are you about? What really matters to you? What brings you joy? Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, who are you? Who are you becoming? What fulfills you?

My self-image is about how I see myself. And that starts with the components of self-value. Self-awareness. Knowing who I am. Knowing my beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, decisions and choices. Giving myself a sense of agency in my own life, rather than being something that others use to fulfill their purposes. My self-worth, acknowledging and honoring my emotions and the complexity of them. My self-esteem, the esteem that I earn from myself. Self-love. When I learn to love myself, no one can take that away from me. Self-confidence, knowing that I can handle what life throws at me on a daily basis. These are some of the important things that influence and inform my image of myself.

When I relate to other people, whether in a business, personal, or intimate relationship, I need to have a real good idea of who it is that I am asking them to relate to. If I have fallen into trying to be the right product or the right brand, then the potential trap here is I am letting others define who I am. I may be a good brand for making your teeth whiter and stronger but what about my own teeth? Problem with being a tube of toothpaste is that the tube never gets to refuse being squeezed.

Self-image and self-identity are big and important issues in our lives and should not be trivialized. Yet in the “brand” way of thinking, that is exactly what we wind up doing to ourselves – trivializing ourselves. Why am I making an issue of this? Because next time we are going to talk about another popular buzzword circulating right now – authenticity. Product and brands don’t ever reach the level of authenticity. They may be good or bad quality. I may or may not like them. But they are only good for one purpose. They work or they don’t. We are all so much more than that. You are so much more than that.

If you have to play the Brand Game at work, OK for now. But don’t let those narrow confines define who you are and are becoming.