Did you know that Axios is reporting that dating has now been simplified to the level that a well-known, fast-causal burger chain has partnered with a well-known food delivery company to launch a temporary dating site on which to pair prospective lovers who share an affinity for the chain’s version of a buffalo chicken sandwich? “Yes, I met your mother over our shared love of fried and brown chicken breasts covered in a house-made buffalo sauce that features a tangy flavor with a lot of sweetness balanced by a hint of spice. It’s not as spicy as it can be, but the lack of heat allows you to focus on the layers of flavors, from pungent garlic to smokey paprika and a noticeably sharp tangy finish.” Oy vey. If that is the basis of a sustainable, long-term, committed relationship that has some depth – that true love can be found in the mutual exploration of layers of flavor - I’ll dance naked in Macy’s window. Dating is not about gimmicks. It is about authenticity, about which I’ve recorded a podcast and published a blog post.

So far, in this series, we’ve talked about ghosting and mosting, submarines and zombies. If one were to inventory those terms, you’d think that dating was connected to the supernatural with a slight military influence thrown in. So now, on to space terms -orbiting and holding space – with a side of effective message transmission from your space capsule. How did dating become this complicated?

Orbiting. The person that ghosts you then continues to follow you on social media and may interact with you by liking or retweeting your tweets or liking your Instagram photos or whatever. The thinking is that this is a new behavior that only started because of social media. No. It just made it easier. Depending on what they knew about you when you dated, even without social media you could have been orbited in a sense. They could know mutual friends or someone in your family and have kept close tabs on you that way. Or you somehow kept running in to them at your favorite movie theater or restaurant or store or wherever. Social media just makes keeping tabs on somebody much easier. It takes a lot less leg work.

Why would someone do this? As we’ve talked about, people have all kinds of issues when it comes to relationships. Love, intimacy, caring, vulnerability, communication, etc., are all very scary things. One of the big reasons they are unnerving is that it involves emotions – feeling them, dealing with them, knowing what to do with them. I am currently involved in an ongoing online discussion with a few folks on Twitter who preach and swear by the gospel of avoiding feelings at all costs. The best self-care you can give yourself, they say, is to stay with logic and reason through thick and thin. I can see professional relationships being based mostly on logic and reason. But how does one navigate marriage and/or parenthood, or friendship or familial connections solely from a basis of the rational when relationships of all kinds are messy and complicated? You can’t love or be loved without venturing into the waters of emotion.

We all want to be cared for. We all want and need some kind of human connection in our lives. But how well prepared are we for the “big” relationships? Lots of people aren’t emotionally prepared to know how to deal with the emotions that relationships bring up. There are no “How To” manuals. No two relationships are alike. And we can and hopefully do learn a great deal about ourselves in the process. It is a lot to take on even when you are prepared to try to navigate those waters. But suppose someone is not able to maneuver through those depths even though they really liked you and don’t want to lose contact completely. Then orbiting, though creepy, makes more sense.

The point here is that when someone demonstrates that they don’t have the capacity, for whatever reason, to go further and they don’t even have the ability to have an honest conversation about that fact, then bless them and let them go, unless they are posing a threat to you. Either engage or ignore their presence in your social media feed. Call them out if you want to. If they pose a threat, then take whatever steps you need to keep them at a distance and keep yourself safe.

Holding Space. Holding space is a term that initially came out of talk therapy. The therapist provides a safe space in which the client can be open and honest and not feel judged. And that is important. Thing is that your therapist’s office is not the only place you should be open and honest. That space, ideally, is established and held by both parties to a relationship. However, it often is up to one of the couple to provide and hold that safe space while their partner acclimates and learns to function within it.

My question is why would you have to announce to someone that you are holding space for them? Regardless of whether the activity is fun and light, or a deep conversation, or anything in between, are you not usually present with the people you are with? We all want to be seen and heard and the experience I will have, if you have been present with me, is that I will feel seen and heard, without feeling any judgment coming toward me. Now, if we are having a serious conversation, then I need to up my game a little bit and be even more focused, actively listening but also paying attention to body language, facial expressions, etc. I don’t need to offer solution or try to fix anything. But you still need to be seen and heard and met where you are and accepted and not judged.

If you are not in the space to be present with someone, then OK. Be honest about that and see if their pressing need can wait a bit or, if it is acutely important, give yourself a minute or two to get ready to be in a more present headspace. Being present is important.

“Hardballing”. The truth is that we teach others how we want to be treated. If I do not inform you about what is and is not OK in your treatment of me, then I am relying on your own sense and practice of common decency; of being respectful; and of being present. Or I am either expecting how I want you treat me to come to you in some sort of an epiphany or psychic insight, or I am willing to put up with anything you dish out. And, as we have been discussing, putting up with anything is not OK and certainly is not healthy or productive. Thus, I need to be clear withing myself and then clear with you about what I want from you and from the potential relationship we are embarking on.

Am I looking for something short-term, medium-term, or a long-term committed relationship? Do I even want a committed relationship or NSA? Do I expect or want the relationship to go somewhere in real time, in real life, or are we just pen pals online, texting, messaging, dragging out the conversation that really goes nowhere but feeds my need for attention without us ever having to actually meet? I am told that dragging out online conversations that go nowhere is called breadcrumbing. So now we are introducing baking terms into our collection of dating terms drawn from the supernatural, from space travel and from the military. But I digress.

What do I want? And does what I want mesh with what you want, at least at this point in time? Now, as we get to know one another, all that may change, certainly so. But supposedly what hardballing is about is that we are trying to make sure there are no surprises, no bs, no games, and everything is above board and transparent, another currently popular word. The potential trap here is, as we talked about in “Ya Gotta Get a Gimmick,” what I call the Pre-husband Interview - the checklist we run somebody through before we even go on a date. In trying to cover all the bases up front and making sure there are no surprises, not only will you possibly avoid the unpleasant surprises, but you will also never get the really delightful and welcomed surprises either.

By all means, set your boundaries by be clear on an on-going basis about what those boundaries are – what is and is not OK. As example, for me, sarcasm and constant witticisms wear thin very quickly. I need someone who can hold a conversation that has some depth. Don’t rush into a relationship or, once in, don’t try to rush the progress of the relationship. Let it unfold and enjoy the journey. Good communication is important. Again, is what you are looking for and what they are looking for – FWB, activity buddies, casual dating, or an openness to see where things go – in synch with one another?

Start with simple things. What are your preferred methods of communication? Text? Phone call? Email? Messenger? Video calls? What? Primarily I want to be called. Texts and other forms of written communication can be more easily misconstrued than when I hear your voice. What is the response time you expect? Communicate early on, over time, who you are, what you are looking for, what is not negotiable for you, and what you are hoping to find. But, above all, have fun with the process of discovering the mysteries of another human being.

Next time, we will talk about preparing for the dating journey.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc