Some humans love dating. Some humans tolerate it as a chore or necessary evil. They could be looking for a long-term relationship or a mate, or they could be looking to not be lonely. Some people date infrequently. Others can’t go on without being in a dating relationship. Some see it as an adventure. Some see it as a game. Ever stop to examine your attitudes and beliefs about dating – what it involves; what you’d like it to be like; why you do or don’t want to do it; what are your expectations? Do you feel it is a process to lead you to your soul mate that is controlled and blessed by the Divine or is it a roll of the dice?

Any and all of those beliefs, your beliefs, can make a big difference as to the impact and outcome of your dating experience. When I was growing up, the idea that the rom-coms of the time promulgated was the idea that dating was really about the War Between the Sexes and that someone had to outsmart or outlast the other on the way to the end-goal of winning. Winning usually meant getting married. Think of all those Rock Hudson and Doris Day movies. They were funny and full of strategy in outfoxing or trying to stay ahead of your opponent of the opposite sex.

But in our current day and age, there is not a lot of room for such innocence and naivete. Street smarts are seen as more valuable and more helpful in a world where anyone can present themselves on dating sites as anyone they want to be, so buyer beware. Look out for the games and manipulations and nonsense that we’ve talked about in the first three parts of this series on dating. These challenges are not new but bad behavior seems more prevalent in our current times because they are often perpetrated very publicly and with the intent to hurt or embarrass. Thus, you’d better put on your best game face and have your strategy in place before stepping out onto the field of dating.

All is fair in love and war, right? Well, no. Love and war are mutually exclusive. That said, let’s look at somethings that are helpful and, in truth, absolutely necessary before stepping out on the battlefield to claim your conquest.

There are some questions you need to honestly answer. Honestly - not answers you think other people want to hear, not what sounds good – because you are the only one who will know the answers you give yourself, unless you choose to share. Start with what you think about relationships. They are fun? Problematic? Time consuming? Easy? Hard? Worth the extra effort? Only interested if it comes easy? A really important question here is do you think relationships take conscious direction and design or should they just evolve organically somehow or both? Are you only are interested in relationships that you know are going to go somewhere or are you are game to see where something goes, even if it doesn’t end in matrimony? Do relationships give you a kind of freedom or they make you feel tied down and trapped? What do you really think and feel?

Then, why do you want a relationship? Well hell, doesn’t everybody? No. There are times in life where we don’t have the time and/or space for a relationship. So, why do you want one? To have someone to share things with. Companionship. To not be lonely. Because everybody else is in one. A helpmate in life. There are many possible reasons why you would want someone in your life, but you need to honestly answer that question for yourself.

Once you know why, then what kind of relationship do you want? Activity buddies/someone to have fun with. Casual and allowed to date others. Casual but exclusive. Commitment. No commitment. FWB. Open to marriage. Not open to marriage. Monogamous. Polyamorous. Common interests and goals. Someone completely different from you. Lots of romance. Let’s keep things practical. What do you envision when you see yourself in the relationship that you want?

And what do you expect from them, from yourself, and from the relationship? I know, the Thought Police are on their way because you’re not supposed to expect anything. Expectations only get you in trouble. Right? The Spiritual Police will be after me for this but having been on a spiritual path for a long time and having been in relationships, I don’t see how anyone thinks that they can navigate a relationship of any kind without any expectations. As example, if you want to date me, you had better have the basics of some good manners. You know how to say please and thank you and be considerate and behave well toward others or I’ve got nothing for you. I expect you to be able to have substantive conversations when needed. I expect you to keep a relatively clean house because no, I’m not going to go through life picking up your socks that you left all over the house. Just sayin’.

What do you think about love? It hurts or it heals? It is easy or hard? Is it about sacrifice or taking? Getting or giving? Can you trust love? Is love something solid that you can count on or is it fickle? Can you trust it to be there when you need it, or does it always seem to vanish when the rubber meets the road? Can you trust others in a loving relationship, or do you feel the need to control? Are you trustworthy in a relationship? A lot of questions to ask yourself, yes. They are all about you. Why? Because you are the person you are asking them to relate to. So, if you want something casual and fun and they want long-term commitment, better to know these things up front and honestly communicate about them. Remember hardballing from Part 3? That communication up front about who you are and what you’re about and how you want to be treated.

What do you expect – there’s that word again – the relationship to give you? What are you hoping to get out of it? Do you expect your current relationship to make up for the sins of past bad relationships? When someone shows you who they are, do you believe them? Or do you think you can and will be the one to change/heal them? Do you want companionship? Sharing? Attention? To be really seen and heard? Unconditional acceptance? Love? Understanding? Caring? Someone reliably having your back?

What does love mean to you? How do you define it? What does it mean to you when you love someone? What does it mean to you when someone loves you? How do you do it? How would you like them to do it? Beyond the rush of head-spinning emotion, what are its components? Respect? Trust? Giving of self? Knowing? Understanding? Safety?

What makes you feel loved? There is a really wonderful book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts (1992), by Gary Chapman, who is a marriage counselor. The 5 Love Languages is a method of understanding how people prefer to give and receive affection. There is also an online version of the test that quickly measures your preferences. They are:

· Acts of Service

· Words of Affirmation

· Quality time

· Physical Touch

· Receiving Gifts

Which of these is most meaningful to you? If you are someone who likes to receive gifts as an act of love, if you find yourself with someone who would rather spend quality time with you as an expression of their love for you, eventually either you will have to adapt, or the unmet need will slowly become a wedge. “You never buy me anything. You never take me anywhere.” Etc. If acts of service are important to you, meaning you want to be with someone who wants to pitch in, who makes and keeps their commitments, who loves doing things with you out of love rather than obligation, then if you find yourself with someone who will affirm how wonderful they think you are but never offers to cook dinner, maybe you need to re-evaluate.

These love languages are only a starting point to thinking about what communicates to you that you are loved. All of us need and want all five of the above but their priority rank may differ wildly. As an example. I really don’t like Valentine’s Day because I am way more interested in what you do the other 364 days of the year than candy/flowers/dinner/whatever on Feb 14. However, am I willing to make the commitment to someone for whom it is a big deal? That would mean I will have to participate in making it a big deal for them. Or would I rather have a partner who has the same opinion as I do about that holiday? And so it goes for so many things. You need to know where you stand on all of the above and more before you head out to battle.

Finally, what are some of the qualities that you want in a prospective mate? Sure, we want them to be fun and kind and loving. But take it a little deeper. Sometime in my 30s, I got the bright idea to write a list of some of the qualities that I felt an ideal mate would possess. They were:

Trust. Do their actions match their words consistently over time? Loyalty. I want someone who is loyal not so much to me but to the relationship. No one and nothing gets put between us. Someone who keeps their commitments. Respect. Do they respect themselves, me, our relationship? All are important. Responsiveness. Are they responsive to my feelings or only concerned with their own? I can handle my own emotions but is this someone to whom they matter? Mutual Reliance. Intimacy – closeness, vulnerability, tenderness, trusting. Passion. I mean we ain’t dead yet. And what qualities do you bring to the table?

A lot to digest. If you will do some of this work ahead of time, when you embark on your next dating adventure, you will find yourself much better prepared to navigate and enjoy the process wherever it leads. In dating, you are not powerless. You are not a victim. You are not an innocent bystander. As you venture out, have some idea of what you are looking for and what you want and why. Even if you do wind up with someone vastly different than you, you will be better prepared to manage those differences and make them work for you. And as you increasingly know ever more about who you are in a relationship, your relationships of all kinds, will be able to take you to places they previously could not.

Living Skills offers positive psychology counseling, spiritual counseling, and life coaching services in Atlanta, and online. We are sensitive to the needs of the LGBT community. Sessions available by Skype. Please email us at livingskillsinc@gmail.com or visit www.livingskills.pro. Podcast: “The Problem with Humans” now available on Apple Podcasts, Buzzsprout, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, and Spotify, Overcast, Castro, Castbox, and Podfriend, as well as on my site. Follow us on Twitter - @livingskillsinc